A typical church service according to the Covid Cult

By Baldmichael Theresoluteprotector’sson

GOVERNMENT HEALTH WARNING: Please note a few words may be too strong for some of an overrefined nature, and the nature of the subject may upset a few. But if you like a laugh at the enemy’s expense then go ahead.

24th April, 2022

I thought I ought to expose the goings on behind the scenes of those enthusiastically embracing the Covid 19 narrative, that it will kill us all if we don’t anti-social distance, mask up, vaccinate etc.

As Covid 19 is the latest brand name for the ‘flu, or internal toxicosis of the body, the latest version being the moronic or omicron variety.

In France of course it is the ‘Ma cronic’ variety, or ‘O Macron’ as in Emmanuel, the ‘My God, is he still with us?’ sort.

In French this is ‘Mon Dieu, est-il toujours avec nous?’

Anyway, the following is in the present tense as the service takes place in well-ventilated tents, suitable spaced, and connected by multiplex screens so that the relevant minister can be seen and heard but not touched in case of transmission of the lurgy.

It should be noted that the minister is one of many belonging to that upper elite strata of the Lurgy or Clurgy as they can be known. This is as opposed to the Lye people who have believed the lie that Covid 19 is a monster which will engulf us all.

“Your undercover reporter sidles into a service, avoiding the sides men/women. He observes the following signs and wonders.

‘The congregation shall be arranged in tiers, with level 1 the elites, level 2 the uncivil serpents, doctors of all types, lawyers  or lyers as they are more commonly known,  level 3 nurses and teachers and level 4 the serpent minions or plebs.’

‘Traffic light system will be in operation subject to alert level. Current status; yellow’

N.B. I should explain that the colour meanings are as follows:

Red (MSN danger status) – this means the Chinese communists are due any minute, and MSN have told us so and you should believe everything they tell you without thinking as we at gov.uk have done it for you..

Yellow (coward status) – this is the fear that the communists are coming, so sticking your head in the sand and ignoring good advice is essential whilst a nurse sticks a needle in your bottom.

Green (sick planet status) – this means Greta Thunberg is coming and everything is hunky dory man as long as we get rid of farting cows etc.

Your intrepid reporter takes a suitably sanitised seat (there is a sign on each chair saying ‘Please take a moment to kneel down and spray – please use the hand sanitiser provided.’

He takes up the large booklet in front of him and follows the service as it progresses. Please note this is based on the following from The Church of England website.

Original text in italics, Covid Cult version underneath. Ignore italics if you are familiar with the C of E version.

https://www.churchofengland.org/prayer-and-worship/worship-texts-and-resources/book-common-prayer/order-morning-prayer

The Order for Morning Prayer

The Order for Mourning Prayer

The Order for Morning Prayer daily throughout the year

The Order for Mourning Prayer daily throughout the year

At the beginning of Morning Prayer the Minister shall read with a loud voice some one or more of these Sentences of the Scriptures that follow. And then he shall say that which is written after the said Sentences.

At the beginning of Mourning Prayer (or Daily Briefings) the Minister (or Prime Minister) shall read with a loud voice some one or more of these Sentences of the Regulations that follow. And then he shall say that which is written after the said Sentences.

WHEN the wicked man turneth away from his wickedness that he hath committed, and doeth that which is lawful and right, he shall save his soul alive. Ezekiel 18.27

WHEN the wicked man keepeth away from his neighbour that he hath shoppeth to the police, and doeth that which is lawful and right, and keepeth away 2.0 meters or its nearest Imperial equivalent, he shall keepeth his ‘R’ soul alive. Easykill Section 18 paragraph 27

I acknowledge my transgressions, and my sin is ever before me. Psalm 51.3

I acknowledge my trans-genders, and my sign (Stay Alert etc.) is ever before me. Palms (Hand washing) Section 51 paragraph 3

Hide thy face from my sins, and blot out all mine iniquities. Psalm 51.9

Hide my face from my sons (or other relatives), and blot out all mine inquiries (as to why should I be doing this). Palms (Hand washing) Section 51 paragraph 9

The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit : a broken and a contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise. Psalm 51.17

The sacrifices of Gov.uk are a broken spirit, broken home, broken friendships etc : a broken (due to myocarditis) and a sodium nitrite heart, O Gov.uk, thou wilt despise. Palms (Hand washing) Section 51 paragraph 17

Rend your heart, and not your garments, and turn unto the Lord your God: for he is gracious and merciful, slow to anger, and of great kindness, and repenteth him of the evil. Joel 2.13

Rend your heart (with myocarditis, see above), and not your garments (which should be recycled), and turn unto the Lard your Gov.uk: for it is ungracious and unmerciful, slow to do anything of any real value, and of great meanness, and repenteth not him of the vial (see later). Jail Section 2 paragraph13

To the Lord our God belong mercies and forgivenesses, though we have rebelled against him: neither have we obeyed the voice of the Lord our God, to walk in his laws which he set before us.  Daniel 9.9-10

To the Lard your Gov.uk belong vaccines and vaccine passports, though we have rebelled against them: neither have we obeyed the voice of the Lard your Gov.uk, to walk in his regulations which it set before us in.  Da Neil (Ferguson) Section 9 paragraphs 9 &10

O Lord, correct me, but with judgement; not in thine anger, lest thou bring me to nothing. Jeremiah 10.24; Psalm 6.1

O Lard, vacinate me, but with Pfizer; not in thine AstraZeneca, lest thou bring me to less bad health (although AstraZeneca is still bad). Jerry Mire Section 10 paragraph 24;  Palms (Hand washing)  6 paragraph 1

Repent ye; for the Kingdom of heaven is at hand.  St. Matthew 3.2

Repent ye; for the Kingdom of Devon is at hand.  St. Matthew Hancock Section 3 paragraph 2

I will arise and go to my father, and will say unto him, Father, I have sinned against heaven, and before thee, and am no more worthy to be called thy son. St. Luke 15.18-19

I will arise and go to my Farter, and will say unto him, Farter, I have sinned against Devon, and before thee, and am no more worthy to be called thy son/daughter/gender neutral being. St. Leukaemia Section 15 paragraph 18-19

Enter not into judgement with thy servant, O Lord; for in thy sight shall no man living be justified. Psalm 143.2

Enter not into judgement with thy serpent, O Lard; for in thy sight shall no man/woman/ gender neutral being live (provided the vaccines do their job). Palms (Hand Washing) Section 143 paragraph 2

If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us: but if we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 1 St. John 1.8-9

If we say that we have no sign, we deceive ourselves (for we have one up on our front door saying ‘No hawkers’ etc.), and the truth is not in us: but if we confess our signs, it is faithful and just to forgive us our signs (which say ‘Up yours Boris), and to cleanse us from all viruses (subject to the small print and terms and conditions excluding all liability for harm or death). 1 St. John Major Section 1 paragraphs 8 & 9

DEARLY beloved brethren, the Scripture moveth us in sundry places to acknowledge and confess our manifold sins and wickedness; and that we should not dissemble nor cloke them before the face of Almighty God our heavenly Father; but confess them with an humble, lowly, penitent, and obedient heart; to the end that we may obtain forgiveness of the same, by his infinite goodness and mercy. And although we ought at all times humbly to acknowledge our sins before God; yet ought we most chiefly so to do, when we assemble and meet together to render thanks for the great benefits that we have received at his hands, to set forth his most worthy praise, to hear his most holy Word, and to ask those things which are requisite and necessary, as well for the body as the soul. Wherefore I pray and beseech you, as many as are here present, to accompany me with a pure heart and humble voice unto the throne of the heavenly grace, saying after me:

DEARLY beloved brethren, the Regulations moveth us in sundry places (if you can find the relevant bit) to acknowledge and confess our manifold signs and wickedness; and that we should not dissemble misinformation that Covid 19 is the ‘flu, nor cloke them before the face of Almighty Gov.uk our heavenly Farter (except behind blue masks kindly provided by the Almighty at taxpayers’ expense); but confess them with an humble, lowly, penitent, and obedient heart (without crossing our fingers); to the end that we may obtain unforgiveness of the same, by its infinite meanness and mercury (N.B. Mercury is poisonous). And although we ought at all times humbly to acknowledge our signs before Gov.uk; yet ought we most chiefly so to do, when we assemble and meet together (suitably spaced, and subject to latest rules) to render thanks for the great benefits that we have received at its hands (at taxpayers’ expense), to set forth its most worthy praise, to hear its most Holly Wood, and to ask those things which are requisite and necessary (such as a dry crust/handout), as well for the body as the ‘R’ soul (including toilet paper). Wherefore I prey on and beat you, as many as are here present (and have not been locked down), to accompany me with an impure heart and humble voice unto the throne of the Devonly grease, saying after me:

A general Confession to be said of the whole Congregation after the Minister, all kneeling.

A general Confession to be said of the whole Congregation after the Minister (or Prime Minister), all kneeling (or bending the knee if preferred).

ALMIGHTY and most merciful Father, We have erred, and strayed from thy ways like lost sheep, We have followed too much the devices and desires of our own hearts, We have offended against thy holy laws, We have left undone those things which we ought to have done, And we have done those things which we ought not to have done, And there is no health in us: But thou, O Lord, have mercy upon us miserable offenders; Spare thou them, O God, which confess their faults, Restore thou them that are penitent, According to thy promises declared unto mankind in Christ Jesu our Lord: And grant, O most merciful Father, for his sake, That we may hereafter live a godly, righteous, and sober life, To the glory of thy holy Name. Amen.

ALMIGHTY Gov.uk and most merciful Farter, We have erred, and strayed from thy Regulations like lost sheep, We have followed too much the mobile devices and desires of our own minds (which we have lost anyway), We have offended against thy holy Regulations, We have left undone those things which we ought to have done (such as keep exactly 2.0 meters or more away from our neighbours, wear masks outside, use sanitiser etc), And we have done those things which we ought not to have done (such as travel more than 5 miles from home on alternate days of the week, if there is an ‘R’ in the month), And there is no health in us (due to the big pharma drugs you have kindly given us at taxpayers’ expense): But thou, O Lard, have mercury upon us miserable offenders; Spare thou them, O Gov.uk, which confess their faults, Restore thou them some of their taxes that are penitent, According to thy promises declared unto personkind in Chris Whitty our Lard: And grant, O most merciful Farter, for his sake, That we may hereafter live a masked, socially distanced, and vaccinated life, To the glower of thy holy Name. Arperson.

The Absolution or Remission of sins to be pronounced by the Priest alone, standing: the people still kneeling.

The Absolution or Remission of signs to be pronounced by the Pest (a.k.a. the Plague) alone, standing: the people still kneeling (or bending the knee).

ALMIGHTY God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who desireth not the death of a sinner, but rather that he may turn from his wickedness, and live; and hath given power, and commandment, to his Ministers, to declare and pronounce to his people, being penitent, the Absolution and Remission of their sins: He pardoneth and absolveth all them that truly repent, and unfeignedly believe his holy Gospel. Wherefore let us beseech him to grant us true repentance, and his Holy Spirit, that those things may please him, which we do at this present; and that the rest of our life hereafter may be pure, and holy; so that at the last we may come to his eternal joy; through Jesus Christ our Lord.

ALMIGHTY Gov.uk, the Farter of our Lard Whitty Chris, who desireth not the life of a signer, but rather that he may turn from his wickedness, and die; and hath given power, and commandment, to his Ministers (and Prime Minister), to declare and pronounce to his people, being penitent, the Absolution and Remission of their signs: He pardoneth and absolveth all them that truly repent of thinking for themselves, and unfeignedly believe his holy Go-spell that Covid 19 is a deadly, highly infectious disease. Wherefore let us beseech him to grant us true repentance, and his Holy Spirit, that those things may please him, which we do at this present; and that the rest of our life hereafter may be painful, and wholly without meaning; so that at the last we may come to his eternal joy, but not ours; through Whitty Chris our Lard.

The people shall answer here, and at the end of all other prayers,

The people shall answer here, and at the end of all other preyers, (subject to a fine of £100 if not complied with)

Amen.

Arperson (or other preferred gender pronoun)

If no priest be present the person saying the Service shall read the Collect for the Twenty-First Sunday after Trinity, that person and the people still kneeling.

If no pest be present the person saying the Service shall read the Click and Collect for the Twenty-First Sun Day (newspaper) after Trinity House, that person and the people still kneeling (or bending the knee whichever is more difficult).

Then the Minister shall kneel, and say the Lord’s Prayer: the people also kneeling, and repeating it with him, both here, and wheresover else it is used in Divine Service.

Then the Minister (or Prime Minister) shall kneel (or bend the knee), and say the Lard’s Prayer: the people also kneeling (or bending the knee), and repeating it with him or her or whatever personal pronoun it prefers, both here, and wheresoever else it is used in Levine (Rachel – see Biden’s Cabinet) Service.

OUR Father, which art in heaven, Hallowed be thy Name, Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done, in earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread; And forgive us our trespasses, As we forgive them that trespass against us; And lead us not into temptation, But deliver us from evil. For thine is the kingdom, the power, and the glory, For ever and ever. Amen.

Our Farter, whose art is heaving up, blowing hot air and making people sick,

Hallotosis be thy name, the Lord of bad breath.

Thy king dung come, where everything is shit.

Thy willy be dung, because of where you stick it

On earth, because you can’t get away with it in heaven

Give us this day our daily thread-bare ration to keep us thin and emaciated

And give us our debts, as we have also given debts to others

And lead us into temptation and all kinds of vices which can grip us tight and then de liver us as our livers are destroyed by making us tight, all and every night.

For thine is the king dung (as we have said before, O Farter), the glower and the chlorine gas which we, your children, used in the First World War.

Ahwomen (because we hate real men)

Then likewise he shall say,

Then likewise he/she/it shall say,

Priest.O Lord, open thou our lips.

Pest. O Lard, open thou our lips.

Answer.And our mouth shall shew forth thy praise.

Answer. And our mouth shall spew forth thy poison.

Priest.O God, make speed to save us.

Pest. O Gov.uk, make weed to drug us.

Answer. O Lord, make haste to help us.

Answer. O Lard, make haste to help us, as fast as the NHS will allow.

Here, all standing up, the Priest shall say,

Glory be to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Ghost;

Here, all standing up, the Pest shall say,

Glory be to the Farter, and to The Sun (or Daily Telegraph, Guardian etc), and to the Wholly Toast;

Answer.As it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be, world without end. Amen.

Answer. As it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be, world misery without end. Ar-person.

Priest.Praise ye the Lord.

Pest. Praise ye the Lard.

Answer.The Lord’s Name be praised.

Answer. The Lard’s Name be praised.

Then shall be said or sung this Psalm following: Except on Easter Day, upon which another Anthem is appointed: and on the nineteenth day of every month it is not to be read here, but in the ordinary course of the Psalms.

Then shall be said (but not sung as this is currently forbidden) this Palms following: Except on Easter Day, upon which another Anthea is appointed: and on the nineteenth day of every month (in reverence to Covid 19) it is not to be read here, but in the ordinary course of the Palms (Hand washing Code of Practice 2020 rev E).

VENITE, EXULTEMUS DOMINO

VENITE, EXULTEMUS DOMINOS (i.e. O Come, let us go to Dominos to order pizza)

Psalm 95

Palms (Handwashing) Section 95

O COME, let us sing unto the Lord :

let us heartily rejoice in the strength of our salvation.

O COME, let us sign unto the Lard (British Sign Language to be used, two fingers NOT allowed):

let us heartily (subject to myocarditis) rejoice in the strength of our Covid 19 salvation.

Let us come before his presence with thanksgiving :

and show ourselves glad in him with psalms.

Let us come before his presence with thanksgiving (and excess taxes):

and show ourselves glad in him with palms, washed or sanitised.

For the Lord is a great God :

and a great King above all gods.

For the Lard is a great Gov.uk :

and a great Wan King above all govs.

In his hand are all the corners of the earth :

and the strength of the hills is his also.

In his Ham are all the corns and calluses of the heart:

and the strength of the pills is his also.

The sea is his, and he made it :

and his hands prepared the dry land.

The see* is his, and he made it:

and his hands prepared the dying economy.

O come, let us worship and fall down :

and kneel before the Lord our Maker.

O come, let us worship and fall down (on receipt of the vaccine):

and kneel (or bend the knee) before the Lard our Mucker.

For he is the Lord our God :

and we are the people of his pasture, and the sheep of his hand.

For he is the Lard our Gov.uk :

and we are the people of his pasteurise (to eliminate all known germs), and the sheep of his hand (suitably sterilised).

To day if ye will hear his voice, harden not your hearts :

as in the provocation, and as in the day of temptation in the wilderness;

Today if ye will hear his voice, harden not your hearts (if the vaccines have not done this already):

as in the pro-vaccination, and as in the day of Thames Station (such as Charing Cross) in the wilderness of lock down;

When your fathers tempted me :

proved me, and saw my works.

When your farters tempted me:

Proved (in the airing cupboard to help the dough rise) me, and saw my road works.

Forty years long was I grieved with this generation, and said :

It is a people that do err in their hearts, for they have not known my ways.

Forty two months long was I grieved with this millennial generation, and said:

It is a people that do, err (for they are not sure what to do), in their hearts, for they have not known my ways, despite it being located on their mobile phones.

Unto whom I sware in my wrath :

that they should not enter into my rest.

Unto whom I sware in my Rothschild :

that they should not enter into my rest, but be arrested for critical thinking.

Glory be to the Father, and to the Son :

and to the Holy Ghost;

Glory be to the Farter, and to The Sun (or Daily Telegraph, Guardian etc), and to the Wholly Toast;

As it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be:

world without end. Amen.

Answer. As it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be, world misery without end. Ar-person.

Then shall follow the Psalms in order as they be appointed. And at the end of every Psalm throughout the year, and likewise in the end of Benedicite, Benedictus, Magnificat, and Nunc dimittis, shall be repeated,

Then shall follow the Palms in order as they be appointed (regularly and subject to hand washing guidance). And at the end of every Palm, including the fingers, throughout the year, and likewise in the end of Ben Edict (Jewish version), Ben edict US (Jewish American version), Magnificat (the large pussy or Persian version), and Monk dimwit is (The Roman Catholic version), shall be repeated,

Glory be to the Father, and to the Son: and to the Holy Ghost;

Chlorine gas be to the Farter, and the Sun newspaper (with which the paper is bleached), and to the holey toast.

Answer.As it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be: world without end. Amen.

Answer:  As it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be, world misery without end. Ar-person.

Then shall be read distinctly with an audible voice the First Lesson, taken out of the Old Testament as is appointed in the Calendar: Except there be proper Lessons assigned for that day: He that readeth so standing and turning himself, as he may best be heard of all such as are present. And after that shall be said or sung, in English, the Hymn called Te Deum Laudamus, daily throughout the year.

Then shall be read stinkly in praise of the Farter, with a quiet voice so that the masses do not hear properly, the First Lesion, taken out of context from the Old Testament to confuse the aforesaid masses as is appointed in the mainstream media. Except there be improper Lesions as signs for that day. He, she or it, depending on preferred pronoun, that readeth so standing and turning himself, herself, itself etc. etc. as he/she/it may not be heard properly by those such as are present (subject to lockdown status). And after that shall be said or sung (if gov.uk allow this), in English and all other languages to maintain cultural diversity and confusion, the Hym-n, Her-m, or It-n  to avoid gender stereotyping, called Tedious Loud Am US, reflecting our American cronies propensity to speak loudly when speaking to foreigners, daily throughout the year to ensure maximum boredom and make people ignore the serious stuff going on.

Note that before every Lesson the Minister shall say, Here beginneth such a Chapter, or Verse of such a Chapter, of such a Book: And after every Lesson, Here endeth the First, or the Second Lesson.

Note that before every Lesion the Minister shall say, Here beginneth such a Chapter, or Verse of such a Chapter, of such a Book, or anything else that comes to mind to confuse the masses: And after every Lesion, Here endeth the First, or the Second Lesion or indeed any other number as we do not wish to be numerist (similar to sexist etc.).

TE DEUM LAUDAMUS

TEDIOUS LOUD AM US

WE praise thee, O God : we acknowledge thee to be the Lord.

WE praise thee, O Cod: we acknowledge thee to be the Lard.

All the earth doth worship thee : the Father everlasting.

All the earth doth worship thee (except the enemy’s children – gnashing of teeth to ensue): the Farter everlasting.

To thee all Angels cry aloud : the heavens, and all the powers therein.

To thee all dark Angels cry aloud: the heavings, and all the powers and principalities therein.

To thee Cherubin and Seraphin : continually do cry,

To thee She-rub-in and He-e-rap-in: continually do cry, (wailing and gnashing of teeth to ensue)

Holy, Holy, Holy : Lord God of Sabaoth;

Holly, Holly, Holly: Lard Cod of Saab-oath

Heaven and earth are full of the Majesty : of thy glory.

Heaven and earth are full of the Ma Jester: of thy chlorine.

The glorious company of the Apostles : praise thee.

The glower-ious company of the Apisstles: praise thee.

The goodly fellowship of the Prophets : praise thee.

The badly fellowship of the False Profits: praise thee.

The noble army of Martyrs : praise thee.

The ignoble army of Alma Maters (corrupt universities): praise thee.

The holy Church throughout all the world : doth acknowledge thee;

The Satanic Church throughout all the world: doth acknowledge thee;

The Father : of an infinite Majesty;

The Farter: of an infinite Ma Jester;

Thine honourable, true : and only Son;

Thine dishonourable, false: and only Sun (the Auntie Christ);

Also the Holy Ghost : the Comforter.

Also the Holly Toast: the Discomforter.

Thou art the King of Glory : O Christ.

Thou art the King of Glower: O Auntie Christ.

Thou art the everlasting Son : of the Father.

Thou art the everlasting Sun (so you tell us): of the Farter.

When thou tookest upon thee to deliver man : thou didst not abhor the Virgin’s womb.

When thou tookest upon thee to de-liver man, woman, child etc.: thou didst abhor the Virgin’s womb and deflowered her (reference to Eve in the Garden of Eden).

When thou hadst overcome the sharpness of death : thou didst open the kingdom of heaven to all believers.

When thou hadst overcome the sharpness of deaf: thou didst open the kingdom of hades to all unbelievers.

Thou sittest at the right hand of God : in the glory of the Father.

Thou sittest on the right hand of Cod (those assembled to say ‘Ouch!’): in the glower of the Farter.

We believe that thou shalt come : to be our Judge.

We believe that thou shalt come: to be our Fudge (to rot our teeth etc.).

We therefore pray thee, help thy servants : whom thou hast redeemed with thy precious blood.

We therefore prey thee, help thy serpents: whom thou hast reddened with pre-ciouss (Gollum like stress) blood of those you have murdered.

Make them to be numbered with thy Saints : in glory everlasting.

Make them to be numbered with thy Stains: in glower everlasting.

O Lord, save thy people : and bless thine heritage.

O Lard, save thy peep hole (for spying on the neighbours): and curse thine her it age.

Govern them: and lift them up for ever.

Go spurn them: and depress them for ever

Day by day : we magnify thee;

Night by night; we magnify pee;

And we worship thy Name : ever world without end.

And we worship thy Numb: ever world without mend.

Vouchsafe, O Lord : to keep us this day without sin.

Voucher safe (extracted from taxes), O Lard: to keep us this day and night within sin.

O Lord, have mercy upon us : have mercy upon us.

O Lard, have mercury upon us: have mercury upon us.

O Lord, let thy mercy lighten upon us : as our trust is in thee.

O Lard, let thy mercury lighten upon us: as we are trussed up by thee.

O Lord, in thee have I trusted : let me never be confounded.

O Lard, by thee have I been trussed: let me never be freed.

Or this canticle,

Or this can tickle (or whatever you fancy).

BENEDICITE, OMNIA OPERA

BEN EDICIT, OMNIA OPRAH WINFREY (i.e Ben says all worship Oprah Winfrey)

O ALL ye Works of the Lord, bless ye the Lord :

O ALL ye Worgs/wargs of the Lard, bless ye the Lard:

praise him, and magnify him for ever.

praise him, and magnify him for ever. (or whatever personal pronoun the Great Lard wishes to be called at the time – this may change without warning)

O ye Angels of the Lord, bless ye the Lord :

O ye dark Angels of the Lard, bless ye the Lard:

praise him, and magnify him for ever.

praise him, and magnify him for ever. (see earlier)

O ye Heavens, bless ye the Lord :

O ye Heavings, bless ye the Lard:

praise him, and magnify him for ever.

praise him, and magnify him for ever. (see earlier)

O ye Waters that be above the Firmament, bless ye the Lord :

O ye Waiters that be above the Firm armament, bless ye the Lard :

praise him, and magnify him for ever.

praise him, and magnify him for ever. (see earlier)

O all ye Powers of the Lord, bless ye the Lord :

O all ye Powers (inc. principalities) of the Lard, bless ye the Lard :

praise him, and magnify him for ever.

praise him, and magnify him for ever. (see earlier)

O ye Sun and Moon, bless ye the Lard:

O ye Sun (and other newspapers) and Loonies, bless ye the Lard:

praise him, and magnify him for ever.

praise him, and magnify him for ever. (see earlier)

O ye Stars of Heaven, bless ye the Lord :

O ye Stars of Hollywood, bless ye the Lard:

praise him, and magnify him for ever.

praise him, and magnify him for ever. (see earlier)

O ye Showers and Dew, bless ye the Lord :

O ye Show-ers and Jew (of the synagogue of Satan), bless ye the Lard :

praise him, and magnify him for ever.

praise him, and magnify him for ever. (see earlier)

O ye Winds of God, bless ye the Lord :

O ye Winds of Cod (i.e. fishy farts), bless ye the Lard:

praise him, and magnify him for ever.

praise him, and magnify him for ever. (see earlier)

O ye Fire and Heat, bless ye the Lord :

O ye Liar and Cheat, bless ye the Lard:

praise him, and magnify him for ever.

praise him, and magnify him for ever. (see earlier)

O ye Winter and Summer, bless ye the Lord :

O ye Winters (these are typically German) and Summers (false accountants), bless ye the Lard:

praise him, and magnify him for ever.

praise him, and magnify him for ever. (see earlier)

O ye Dews and Frosts, bless ye the Lord :

O ye Jews (of the synagogue of Satan) and Frowsts, bless ye the Lard:

praise him, and magnify him for ever.

praise him, and magnify him for ever. (see earlier)

O ye Frost and Cold, bless ye the Lord :

O ye Frowst and Cold (i.e. Covid 19 and similar), bless ye the Lard :

praise him, and magnify him for ever.

praise him, and magnify him for ever. (see earlier)

O ye Ice and Snow, bless ye the Lord :

O ye Lice and Snot, bless ye the Lard:

praise him, and magnify him for ever.

praise him, and magnify him for ever. (see earlier)

O ye Nights and Days, bless ye the Lord :

O ye Nits and Daze, bless ye the Lard:

praise him, and magnify him for ever.

praise him, and magnify him for ever. (see earlier)

O ye Light and Darkness, bless ye the Lord :

O ye Lies and Darkness, bless ye the Lard :

praise him, and magnify him for ever.

praise him, and magnify him for ever. (see earlier)

O ye Lightnings and Clouds, bless ye the Lord :

O ye Darklings and Clods, bless ye the Lard:

praise him, and magnify him for ever.

praise him, and magnify him for ever. (see earlier)

O let the Earth bless the Lord :

O let the Earth (i.e sods) bless the Lard:

yea, let it praise him, and magnify him for ever.

yea, let it pays him, and magnify Ham^# for ever. 

O ye Mountains and Hills, bless ye the Lord :

O ye Mountains (from molehills) and Pills (made by Big Pharma), bless ye the Lard:

praise him, and magnify him for ever.

praise him, and magnify him for ever. (see earlier)

O all ye Green Things upon the Earth, bless ye the Lord :

O all ye Green Things (such as Great Thunberg) upon the Earth (i.e. sods), bless ye the Lard:

praise him, and magnify him for ever.

praise him, and magnify him for ever. (see earlier)

O ye Wells, bless ye the Lord :

O ye Wells (poisoned), bless ye the Lard:

praise him, and magnify him for ever.

praise him, and magnify him for ever. (see earlier)

O ye Seas and Floods, bless ye the Lord :

O ye Sees (Vatican etc.) and Floods (of tears and tiers – see lockdowns), bless ye the Lard:

praise him, and magnify him for ever.

praise him, and magnify him for ever. (see earlier)

O ye Whales, and all that move in the Waters, bless ye the Lord :

O ye Wails (‘Prince of’ etc.), and all that move in the Waters, bless ye the Lard:

praise him, and magnify him for ever.

praise him, and magnify him for ever. (see earlier)

O all ye Fowls of the Air, bless ye the Lord :

O all ye Fouls of the Air (farts), bless ye the Lard:

praise him, and magnify him for ever.

praise him, and magnify him for ever. (see earlier)

O all ye Beasts and Cattle, bless ye the Lord :

O all ye Beasts (NHS, police farces, Uncivil Service etc.) and Cattle (masses of the people), bless ye the Lard:

praise him, and magnify him for ever.

praise him, and magnify him for ever. (see earlier)

O ye Children of Men, bless ye the Lord :

O ye Children of the Devil, bless ye the Lard:

praise him, and magnify him for ever.

praise him, and magnify him for ever. (see earlier)

O let Israel bless the Lord :

O let His vile (i.e. vile ones) bless the Lard:

praise him, and magnify him for ever.

praise him, and magnify him for ever. (see earlier)

O ye Priests of the Lord, bless ye the Lord :

O ye Pests (Roman Catholic etc.) of the Lard, bless ye the Lard:

praise him, and magnify him for ever.

praise him, and magnify him for ever. (see earlier)

O ye Servants of the Lord, bless ye the Lord :

O ye Serpents of the Lard, bless ye the Lard:

praise him, and magnify him for ever.

praise him, and magnify him for ever. (see earlier)

O ye Spirits and Souls of the Righteous, bless ye the Lord :

O ye Spirits (petroleum) and Souls (arse souls) of the Hun-righteous (i.e Germanic origin), bless ye the Lard:

praise him, and magnify him for ever.

praise him, and magnify him for ever. (see earlier)

O ye holy and humble Men of heart, bless ye the Lord :

O ye holly (i.e pricks) and mumble Men of fart (e.g Joe Biden), bless ye the Lard:

praise him, and magnify him for ever.

praise him, and magnify him for ever. (see earlier)

O Ananias, Azarias, and Misael, bless ye the Lord :

O Ananias (with Sapphira – see New Testament), AZ areas (AstraZeneca sites), and Miserable, bless ye the Lard:

praise him, and magnify him for ever.

praise him, and magnify him for ever. (see earlier)

Glory be to the Father, and to the Son :

and to the Holy Ghost;

Glory be to the Farter, and to The Sun (or Daily Telegraph, Guardian etc), and to the Wholly Toast;

As it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be :

world without end. Amen.

Answer. As it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be, world misery without end. Ar-person.

Then shall be read in like manner the Second Lesson, taken out of the New Testament. And after that the Hymn following: Except when that shall happen to be read in the Chapter for the day, or for the Gospel on Saint John Baptist’s Day.

Then shall be read in like (or dislike) manner the Second Lesion, taken out of context from the New Testament, again to confuse the masses of the people. And after that the Hym-n, Her-n, It-n following: Except when that shall happen to be read in the Chapter (of the Hell’s Angels) for the day, or for the Go spell (badly) on Stain John (the toilet) Bap-tit’s Day or Night whichever is shorter.

BENEDICTUS

BEN EDICT U.S.

Luke 1.68

Leukaemia 1 section 68

BLESSED be the Lord God of Israel : for he hath visited and redeemed his people;

BLESSED be the Lard Cod of Ishmael: for he hath visited and deceived his people (and exceeded the regul-a-tory number of people in one household as is his right to ignore his own rules);

And hath raised up a mighty salvation for us : in the house of his servant David;

And hath raised up a mighty slave nation for the U.S.: in the house of his serpent David Cameron;

As he spake by the mouth of his holy Prophets : which have been since the world began;

As he spake by the mouth of his holly Profits: which have been since the world Megan Markle;

That we should be saved from our enemies : and from the hand of all that hate us.

That we should be enslaved to our enemas: and into the hand of all that hate U.S.

To perform the mercy promised to our forefathers : and to remember his holy Covenant;

To perform the mercury promised to our four gender neutral parents: and to remember his holly Convents;

To perform the oath which he sware to our forefather Abraham : that he would give us;

To perform the oaf which he sware to our foreparent Abra-ham or other non-kosher meat: that he would give U.S. (suitably poisoned with sodium nitrite etc.);

That we being delivered out of the hand of our enemies : might serve him without fear;

That we being de-livered (i.e. livers removed) and into of the hand of our enemas : might serve him with fear;

In holiness and righteousness before him : all the days of our life.

In Hollywood-ness and hun-righteousness before him: all the miserable days and nights of our life (and death).

And thou, Child, shalt be called the Prophet of the Highest : for thou shalt go before the face of the Lord to prepare his ways;

And thou, Child, shalt be called the False Prophet of the Lowest: for thou shalt go before the ugly face of the Lard to prepare his broad ways (that leadeth to destruction);

To give knowledge of salvation unto his people : for the remission of their sins,

To take knowledge of salvation from the enemies’ people: for the retention of their sins (and signs),

Through the tender mercy of our God : whereby the day-spring from on high hath visited us;

Through the tender (submitted in triplicate and suitably signed by martyrs blood) mercury of our Cod: whereby the night-winter from on below hath visited us (subject to current regulations);

To give light to them that sit in darkness, and in the shadow of death : and to guide our feet into the way of peace.

To give darkness to them that sit in light, and in the shadow of deaf: and to guide our feet into the way of piss.

Glory be to the Father, and to the Son : and to the Holy Ghost;

Glowery be to the Farter, and to The Sun (or Daily Telegraph, Guardian etc), and to the Wholly Toast;

As it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be : world without end. Amen.

As it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall BBC, world misery without end. Ar-person.

Or this Psalm,

Or this Palm,

JUBILATE DEO

JEW-BE-LATTE DAYGLO

Psalm 100

Palm 100

O BE joyful in the Lord, all ye lands : serve the Lord with gladness, and come before his presence with a song.

O BE miserable in the Lard, all ye lands: serve the Lard with sadness, and come before his presence with a pong.

Be ye sure that the Lord he is God : it is he that hath made us, and not we ourselves; we are his people, and the sheep of his pasture.

Be ye sure that the Lard he is Cod: it is he that hath mucked us up, and we ourselves; we are his peep hole, and the heap of his past manure.

O go your way into his gates with thanksgiving, and into his courts with praise : be thankful unto him, and speak good of his Name.

O go your way unto his Gates (Bill and Melinda) with arms giving, and into his Kurtz with preys : be thankful unto him, and speak God of his Names (or else).

For the Lord is gracious, his mercy is everlasting : and his truth endureth from generation to generation.

For the Lard is grievous, his mercury is everlasting : and his lies endureth from generation to generation.

Glory be to the Father, and to the Son : and to the Holy Ghost;

Glory be to the Farter, and to The Sun (or Daily Telegraph, Guardian etc), and to the Wholly Toast;

As it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be : world without end. Amen.

As it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall BBC, world misery without end. Ar-person.

Then shall be sung or said the Apostles’ Creed, by the Minister and the people standing: Except only such days as the Creed of Saint Athanasius is appointed to be read.

Then shall be sung or said the Apissles’ Screed, written by the Minister (NHS or other available if not on holiday, or otherwise engaged) and the people standing (with one leg tied behind their backs): Except only such days as the Screed of Saint Atha-nauseous is appointed to be red (and all other rainbow colours to avoid being colourist).

THE APOSTLES’ CREED

THE APISSLES’ SCREED

I BELIEVE in God the Father Almighty, Maker of heaven and earth:

I BELIEVE in Cod the Farter Almighty, Mucker Up of heaven and earth:

And in Jesus Christ his only Son our Lord, Who was conceived by the Holy Ghost, Born of the Virgin Mary, Suffered under Pontius Pilate, Was crucified, dead, and buried: He descended into hell; The third day he rose again from the dead; He ascended into heaven, And sitteth on the right hand of God the Father Almighty; From thence he shall come to judge the quick and the dead.

And in cheeses, Christopher Whitty (or other anti-Christs as may be available) his only Sun our Lard, Who was conceived by the Wholly Toast, Born of the Virgin Atlantic, Suffered under Poncius Pilot, Was mummy-fied, emotionally dead, and buried (in jargon): He descended into Hello magazine; The turd day he rose again from the dead (as a zombie); He ascended into 10 Downing Street, And sitteth on the right hand of Cod the Farter Almighty (or the Prime or other Minister); From thence he shall come to judge the slow and the brain-dead.

I believe in the Holy Ghost; The holy Catholick Church; The Communion of Saints; The Forgiveness of sins; The Resurrection of the body, And the Life everlasting. Amen.

I believe in the Wholly Toast; The holly Cat-lick Church; The Communion of Stains; The Four-giveness of signs; The Re-sure-erection of the dead body (as a zombie), And the Death everlasting. Arperson.

And after that these Prayers following, all devoutly kneeling: the Minister first pronouncing with a loud voice,

And after that these Preyers following, all devoutly kneeling or bending the knee: the Minister first pronouncing with a loud voice,

Minister.The Lord be with you.

Minister. The Lard be with you.

Answer.And with thy spirit.

Answer. And with thy White Spirit.

Minister.Let us pray.

Minister (for Department of Health etc.). Let us prey (i.e. on the weak and fearful).

Lord, have mercy upon us.

Lard, have mercury upon us.

Answer.Christ, have mercy upon us.

Answer. Chris Whitty, have mercury upon us (i.e include in the vaccines).

Lord, have mercy upon us.

Lard, have mercury upon us.

Then the Minister, Clerks, and people shall say the Lord’s Prayer with a loud voice.

Then the Minister (of the NHS or other available department head, Clerks, sub-clerks, secretaries, undersecretaries, and minions in general shall say the Lard’s Preyer with a loud wailing voice.

THE LORD’S PRAYER

THE LARD’S PREYER

OUR Father, which art in heaven, Hallowed be thy Name, Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done, in earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread; And forgive us our trespasses, As we forgive them that trespass against us; And lead us not into temptation, But deliver us from evil. Amen.

N.B. This is an alternative version to that usually prescribed under regulation 66, Subsection 666, The Go spell of Mark of the Beast.

OUR Farter, which fart in general, Hollowed be thy Name, Thy kingdumb come where all the dumbest live, Thy will be done, in earth a.k.a sods. Give us this night our nightly neuro-toxic big pharma drug; And give us our trespasses, As we give them that trespass against us; And lead us into constipation, Butt  giver us evil. Ah-person or other gender neutral pronoun.

Then the Priest standing up shall say,

Then the Pest standing up shall say,

Priest.O Lord, shew thy mercy upon us.

Pest. O Lard, shoe thy mercury upon us.

Answer.And grant us thy salvation.

Answer. And grant us thy regulation.

Priest.O Lord, save the Queen.

Pest.O Lard, save the Drag Queen.

Answer.And mercifully hear us when we call upon thee.

Answer. And mercury-fully beat us when we call upon thee.

Priest.Endue thy Ministers with righteousness.

Pest. Endue thy Ministers, Prime or otherwise, with self-righteousness.

Answer.And make thy chosen people joyful.

Answer. And make thy chosen people miserable.

Priest.O Lord, save thy people.

Pest. O Lard, enslave thy people.

Answer.And bless thine inheritance.

Answer. And bleed thine inhairytents.

Priest.Give peace in our time, O Lord.

Pest. Give piss in our time, O Lard.

Answer.Because there is none other that fighteth for us, but only thou, O God.

Answer. Because there is none other that runneth away from us, after thou hast make a killing on the stock markets, but only thou, O Cod.

Priest.O God, make clean our hearts within us.

Pest. O Cod, make filthy our farts within us.

Answer.And take not thy Holy Spirit from us.

Answer. And take not thy White Spirit from us.

Then shall follow three Collects: The first of the day, which shall be the same that is appointed at the Communion: The second for Peace: The third for Grace to live well. And the two last Collects shall never alter, but daily be said at Morning Prayer throughout all the year, as followeth, all kneeling.

Then shall follow three Collections: The first of the day, which shall be the same that is appointed at the Communism: The second for Piss as in taking of: The third for Grease to grease the palms of politicians, civil servants etc. And the two last Collects shall never alter, but daily be said at Mourning Prayer throughout all the year, as followeth, all kneeling or bending the knee.

Further collections may be taken without warning subject to state of the economy and need to raise tax revenue.

The Second Collect, for Peace.

The Second Collection, for Piss.

O GOD, who art the author of peace and lover of concord, in knowledge of whom standeth our eternal life, whose service is perfect freedom: Defend us thy humble servants in all assaults of our enemies; that we, surely trusting in thy defence, may not fear the power of any adversaries; through the might of Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

O COD, who art the author of piss and lover of Concorde (although sadly that hath now disappeareth from our skies), in knowledge of whom standeth our eternal death, whose sir-vice is imperfect pee-dumb: Defend us thy ever so ‘umble serpents in all assaults of our enemies; that we, sorely trusting in thy deep pockets (funded by taxpayers), may not fear the power of any adversaries, advocates or other lawyers not already in your pay; through the might of Cheesus Chris Whitty our Lard. Ar-person.

The Third Collect, for Grace.

The Turd Collection, for Grease (for the palms of politicians etc.).

O LORD, our heavenly Father, Almighty and everlasting God, who hast safely brought us to the beginning of this day: Defend us in the same with thy mighty power; and grant that this day we fall into no sin, neither run into any kind of danger; but that all our doings may be ordered by thy governance, to do always that is righteous in thy sight; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

O LARD, our earthly Farter, Almighty and ever-blasting Cod, who hast safely, up to a point, brought us to the beginning of this night: Defend us in the same with thy mighty glower; and grant that this night we fall into sin, and run into any kind of bank (in a stolen vehicle) or other establishment needing looting ; but that all our doings may be disordered by thy mis-governance, to do always that is hun-righteous in thy sight; through Cheesus Chris Whitty our Lard. Ar-person.

In Quires and Places where they sing here followeth the Anthem.

Inquiries and Places where they sing (if currently allowed) here followeth the Anthrax.

Then these five Prayers following are to be read here: Except when the Litany is read; and then only the two last are to be read, as they are there placed.

Then these five Preyers following are to be read here: Except when the Litigations are read; and then only the two last are to be read (except on the first Monday after Bent, if Saturn is in the ecliptic, and the mercury is rising), as they are there placed.

A Prayer for the Queen’s Majesty.

A Preyer for the Drag Queen’s Ma-jesty (i.e. jokes).

O LORD, our heavenly Father, high and mighty, King of kings, Lord of lords, the only Ruler of princes, who dost from thy throne behold all the dwellers upon earth: Most heartily we beseech thee with thy favour to behold our most gracious Sovereign Lady, Queen ELIZABETH; and so replenish her with the grace of thy Holy Spirit, that she may alway incline to thy will, and walk in thy way. Endue her plenteously with heavenly gifts; grant her in health and wealth long to live; strengthen her that she may vanquish and overcome all her enemies; and finally after this life she may attain everlasting joy and felicity; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

O LARD, our earthly Farter, low and flighty, Kinky of kink’s, Lard of lards, the only Ruler of ponces, who dost from thy khasi behold all the dwellers upon earth: Most fartily we beseech thee with thy gravy to behold our most greasiest Slovenly Lardy, Drag Queen Carmen Tovey Garten Maude (or other stand-in for the night); and so revarnish him with the grease paint of thy White Spirit, that he may alway incline to thy left, and walk in thy funny way. Endue him plenteously with heavenly shifts; grant him in health and wealth long to live for the next 24 hours as long as he is still funny; strengthen him that he may varnish and overcome all his Emmy awards; and finally after this life he may attain everlasting misery in Gotham City; through Cheesus Chris Whitty our Lard. Ar-person.

A Prayer for the Royal Family.

A Preyer for the Boyle Family.

ALMIGHTY God, the fountain of all goodness, we humbly beseech thee to bless Charles Prince of Wales, and all the Royal Family: Endue them with thy Holy Spirit; enrich them with thy heavenly grace; prosper them with all happiness; and bring them to thine everlasting kingdom; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

ALMIGHTY Gov.uk, the fountain of all badness, we humbly beseech thee to bleach Charred Prints of Wails, and all the Boyle Family: Endue them with thy White Spirit; enrich them with thy earthly grease and our taxes; prosper them with all our unhappiness; and bring them to thine everlasting kink-dumb; through Cheesus Chris Whitty our Lard. Ar-person.

A Prayer for the Clergy and People.

A Prayer for the Lurgy and Peep hole.

ALMIGHTY and everlasting God, who alone workest great marvels: Send down upon our Bishops, and Curates, and all Congregations committed to their charge, the healthful Spirit of thy grace; and that they may truly please thee, pour upon them the continual dew of thy blessing. Grant this, O Lord, for the honour of our Advocate and Mediator, Jesus Christ. Amen.

ALMIGHTY and everlasting Gov.uk, who alone workest Greta Thunberg marvels: Send down upon our Bish-ups, and Cu-rats, and all Conflagrations committed to their charge, the harmful Spirit of thy grease; and that they may truly please thee, pour upon them the continual Jew of thy synagogue of Satan. Grant this, O Lard, for the honour of our Advocate and Mediator, Chief Medical Officer Cheesus Chris Whitty. Ar-person.

A Prayer of Saint Chrysostom.

A Prayer of Stain Chrysanthemum.

ALMIGHTY God, who hast given us grace at this time with one accord to make our common supplications unto thee; and dost promise that when two or three are gathered together in thy Name thou wilt grant their requests: Fulfil now, O Lord, the desires and petitions of thy servants, as may be most expedient for them; granting us in this world knowledge of thy truth, and in the world to come life everlasting. Amen.

ALMIGHTY Gov.uk, who hast given us grease at this time with one discord to make our common planning applications unto thee; and dost promise (with crossed fingers) that when two or three are gathered together in thy Name thou wilt grant their requests (subject to enemy activity and filing in the forms correctly in triplicate): Fulfil now, O Lard, the desires and mindless petitions of thy serpents, as may be most expedient for them; granting us in this world knowledge of thy lies, and in the world to come death everlasting. Ar-person.

2 Corinthians 13.

2 Coronation Streets 13 (next door to the Rover’s Return).

THE grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, and the love of God, and the fellowship of the Holy Ghost, be with us all evermore. Amen.

THE grease of our Lard Cheeses Chris Whitty, and the love of Cod, and the fellowship of the Wholly Toast, be with us all evermore. Ar-person.

Here endeth the Order of Morning Prayer throughout the Year.

Here endeth the Order of Mourning Prayer throughout the Year.

Notes:

See* – this is the Vatican see.

Ham^# – i.e. Noah’s son from Genesis who was a very naughty boy.

The roving reporter will now go and take a long bath to get over the horror of all that. He will probably need therapy too.

See you next time!”

P.S. If you haven’t seen this, here are The Ten Commandments according to Covid 19.

The Ten Commandments and Ten Covid Commandments Compared