B is for….Blood

25th June 2020

Out of a stone. Or as I recall Barry Cryer once said on ‘I’m sorry I haven’t a clue’, ‘You can’t bloody get out of Estonia!’ Thanks Barry.

It is quite hard getting blood out of a human too. Yes, really. I know you can run one over with a steam roller (don’t try this at home or anywhere else, please) and that would extract it all. About 9-12 pints I gather. It varies of course.

However, a steam roller would not be a good way of collecting blood. It would go on the road, track or whatever and be rapidly soaked up. I understand the cops in the U.S.A. use concentrated coca cola to clean up the stains after an accident. Makes you keen to drink coca cola doesn’t it?

Mind you anything concentrated would not be good for you. Even too much water can be problem. After all Doctor Foster went to Gloucester, in a shower of rain. When he got there, the cupboard was bare, so he never went there again.

The cupboard was probably bare because of panic buying for the next outbreak, sorry, second wave, of Covid 19. Hang on, I think I have got in a muddle. Wasn’t it Old Mother Hubbard who had the cupboard? And Doctor Foster, didn’t he step in a puddle, right to his muddle? Or step into a piddle right up to his middle?

But a piddle can be a river like the one in Dorset. Beautiful valley. I must go and look again from my Cloud. And the village of Plush just off it. And a low thatched pub, The Brace of Pheasants. Typically English. At least how we imagine the idyll must be.

But pubs are still closed (except the more enterprising who have offered takeaway food). Still, I see that they will be ‘allowed’ to open from the 4th of July. So, is that inclusive of the 4th? Happy 4th of July. If there are any Americans stuck over here, perhaps they will be able to celebrate with a pint of good old English Ale. From the pump.

However, has anyone checked the rules? Anyone?? What does the Government website say children? Let’s have a look, shall we? That’s right. Search for Gov UK. Carefully now, you might catch something if you’re not alert. Stay Alert, that’s the motto.  ‘Businesses and self-employed people’. Under >>>Guidance<<< and support. That’s right. Now ‘Getting financial help and keeping your business safe’. Well done!

Next ‘Reopen your business safely during coronavirus (COVID‑19)’ Ehxcellent, as Mr Brittas might say. Second paragraph. Now remember what I told you about stress the vowels (No dear, vowels, and no, you cannot go to the toilet, hold it in a bit longer). So, let’s try, ‘eU-z… th-hiss… guy-d-aunts. Once more, bit quicker. Use..this..guidance. There now, not difficult, was it.

There now follows >>>guidance<<< from the HSE. ‘The text underneath is not considered suitable for small children. Or adults with small brains’. I apologise if you have already understood this, and certainly some have. You don’t need to read this.

OI, YOU MORONS! GUIDANCE! GUIDANCE! KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS? ASK A GIRL GUIDE (OK, SCOUT THEN, WHATEVER). STREWTH! OH LORD GIVE ME STRENGTH!

Whatever have you been thinking about? Anything? Anything at all?? By all the Gordons of Bennet (little know Scottish clan, but seen everywhere). So that means you can decide. For yourself. Shall I, shan’t I?

What are you afraid off? Bogyman going to get you? No he snot! Policeman? Well if he comes round ‘’ello, ‘ello, ‘ello, what ‘ave ‘we ‘ere?’ ‘Well officer, we have done our Health and Safety checks and we have come up with the following assessment. We had ‘flu last year, and the year before, and the year before ….’

And it is possible that if you go on in this fashion, if you have been in business some time, that he will get bored and go away. Or you could offer him a cup of tea or something. And have a chat. You know, my name is, what’s yours sort of thing. Busy? ‘Well, no getting bored actually. No one to chase, all locked down’.

Brightening. ‘Managed to apprehend two felons, standing too close to each other ‘tho’. But if he arrests you, why not enjoy it? Try their tea at the Nick. They will offer you a cup eventually, I imagine. They don’t usually like to have inmates die of thirst, bad for business you know.

You get the picture. And if you don’t, all being well, one day they will say….

Sorry? Oh, really? I must interrupt my discourse. It is reported that the government have just issued latest GUIDANCE as follows:

Scientists have just discovered, that probably, they’re not quite sure, but on balance, that if we all jump off Beachy Head Covid 19 will be over by Christmas. Possibly. That will leave the animals etc but they have reasonable levels of intelligence (apart from lemmings from which most of the world is descended, apparently).

However, I see a problem with that. I have been thinking. Mmm? What’s that? Thinking?! Big sigh. Thump, thump, thump. That’s better, head hurts, but plaster was coming loose and needed repair anyway.

Where was I? Oh, yes if we all jump off at the same time there will be a pile up on the beach below. I haven’t calculated if all the people in the UK did this what the volume would be (doubt anyone in government, civil service, NHS has checked either).

But at some point, the pile could reach the cliff top. And then you would be walking on to bodies (the last people alive, but groaning). And then you would have to find another cliff. And do a Health and Safety Risk Assessment first of course.

P.S. Cliff Richard (thanks for all the music, Cliff) is not a suitable cliff for jumping off. He is not that tall for a start, and he is not quite as young as he was. Just listen to his records instead. Might stop you jumping off cliffs because someone told you it was a good idea. Possibly.

P.P.S. Forgot what I was going to talk about. See B is for….(more) Blood