B is for….(More) Blood

25th June 2020

Where was I? I had been going to expand on blood and got distracted. Actually it was a true story related to me about someone who was going for a blood test (well he said it was true and I believe him, as I have know him almost all my life). A fairly simple procedure you would have thought. He reckoned without the NHS or National Hysterical Society.

He is sorry if you think the NHS is always wonderful. He used to have good experiences of it before Covid 19 blew up. And to be fair, the nurses have treated him well. He’s not sure about all the doctors ‘tho. See D for….Doctors in due course. I let him tell the tale in his own words.

‘Well, I went to the city to get a blood test at the local hospital 24 hours prior to treatment elsewhere. We, my wife and I, parked at the Homebase store and she went to the store, whilst I went to the hospital. Wasn’t far away, but don’t like paying for car parks if I don’t have to. The car park (Homebase) was not very full, and we noticed a pair of shoes in a parking slot. A car was nearby, but didn’t seem to be related to the boots.

I remarked that perhaps the person who once occupied the shoes had been taken by Covid 19. As people are observing nowadays, it always its fault, so seemed fair. Either that or aliens. Of course, someone may have been changing their shoes, got distracted and drove off without them.

As there was no one around to ask, and it was clearly dangerous to go into the store (at least I think that’s the case), I couldn’t make up my mind. I’m not that bright.

Anyway, I went to the hospital, uneventfully. I walked through the entrance, up the stairs, past two receptionists wearing masks (not sure why, there was no one else around), and into the Pathology Department. I handed over my form and was told I had to wear a mask. I asked why. Don’t remember what the receptionist said, but amounted to ‘Because we tell you’.

She told me to take a seat. Contemplated asking ‘Where to?’ but thought better of it. They were triple seats and looked rather heavy. I didn’t want a hernia as well. I might have caught the Virus in hospital when operated on (assuming they are back doing that sort of thing). Still, it probably would not have taken place for another 12 months or more, and the virus might be gone by then.

Of course, my bowels might be bulging out in that time, but I am sure there must be something elastic to help with that in the meantime. We Brits are very inventive. Even S.A.G.E. are good at that.

I decided to be on the safe side, and as I had not been told where to wear the mask, I put it on my arm. It was a nice shade of blue, went with my eyes.

The nurse came out promptly (there was no one else there except a lady, a patient, who came in after I arrived). She said I had to wear a mask, on my face (oh, I see, right, the face. My face. Got it!). I said why. She said it was the rules. I said something like rubbish. And that I had been 5 times before, 4 during lockdown with no mask requirement. Double checked when I got home, actually, 3 times. But stupidity is catching, so I suppose that explains my error.

She said I could not have my blood taken if I did not wear a mask. So I said, ok, I won’t do it then. She gave me back the form and I left. Well, eventually I got a blood test done elsewhere after a battle of words which I won. And I got the treatment I was due. The weather is turning hot, and I pity the poor nurses and other staff who are all told to wear masks. Breathing in some of the waste air they should be expelling. Bonkers. Not that sort of bonking, just stark, staring, raving mad.’

Thanks, mate. So there you have it. The world gets on with life (sort of), the NHS has lost the plot. People clapped the NHS during lockdown. What for? They have clearly lost their marbles. I see the local Trust’s hospital’s website says ‘Blood tests are taken and processed by the pathology lab’s phlebotomy department’.

I think it must be a typing error. Should read ‘Lobotomy Department’. Botched operation on the staff if you ask me. Internet says lobotomy is a surgical operation involving incision into the prefrontal lobe of the brain, formerly used to treat mental illness’.

Q.E.D.