Coronavirus Firebreak: The Welsh Version

29th October 2020

This looks like fun. Yet another excellent idea to ‘regain control of the virus’. Shouldn’t have let it off the lead should we? It has gone and pooped again where it wasn’t allowed.

I really should not need to say this again, but all this is GUIDANCE. If you don’t want to follow it because it is stupid, don’t. If anything makes sense, then use your common sense and do it, if you need to do something sensible.

If you are not sure what common sense is any more, I do sympathise. It left the country before lockdown, although possibly like Owain Glyndŵr it is hiding in a cave near Moel Hebog. And just as difficult to find.

So no more ado. Here, for those who have found that Charles Darwin’s evolutionary theory should be Charles Darwin’s devolutionary theory (mankind reverting to apes), I offer my own guidance.

Personally, I consider that reverting to apes is insulting to apes. Peoples thinking (if that is the right word) has gone back further. Possibly fish floundering on the beach might be better.

Here goes, it is very, very long. Much of it is the Welsh Government Guidance, specifically the ‘frequently asked questions’. But then you probably don’t have anything better to do and the nights are drawing in. Government Guidance in italics. Some of the links have been retained in case you are interested.

My explanatory text in RED like fire. Sitting by a roaring fire recommended. Print off copies of the GUIDANCE if you need to stoke it up a bit. More useful that way.

GUIDANCE

Coronavirus firebreak: frequently asked questions

Guidance about the firebreak rules which have replaced previous local and national rules.

Part of:

First published:

19 October 2020

Last updated:

23 October 2020

Staying safe and social distancing

In just about every language you might not need except Double Dutch. Because the guidance is already written this way.

Unfortunately, teensy weensy problem. Just as well old Baldy checked. Only the front pages are currently available. Oh dear what a pity.

There is a page for Zulu. This will be useful when visiting the Welsh Mountain Zoo at Colwyn Bay (see W is for…..Wales).

Coronavirus firebreak: BSL guidance summary

There is a rather scary video on this link. I think her face could be used to cower the virus into submission. In reality, I am sure she is a very nice person.

I wasn’t sure what BSL stood for as I am a bit dim. I thought it meant Bull Shit Lies. Apparently not. It’s British Sign Language. You learn something every day.

I am not sure whether she is actually signing what is being said. My suspicions are that she is indicating that the guidance should be returned to the civil servants who wrote it. Possibly in an unpleasant way.

GUIDANCE

Coronavirus firebreak: frequently asked questions

General

A general is someone who commands an army.

What do you mean by a “firebreak lockdown”?

A short, sharp firebreak has been introduced across Wales to help regain control of coronavirus. This means that a series of restrictive measures will be in place from 6pm Friday 23 October until 12:01am Monday 9 November 2020.

Torri tân is Welsh for firebreak it seems. A tan can be a beating, so the authorities are trying to beat you into submission. How kind.

They strategically placed it over the clocks back weekend so that you had an extra hour in firebreak. How thoughtful of them.

Why not stay up to 12.02 on Monday 9 November 2020 and celebrate like you used to do at New Year two minutes earlier at midnight? As it won’t be a weekend, perhaps cocoa may be preferable to a stiff drink. Just a thought.

Why is this being done?

The fortnight-long action is needed to save lives and prevent the NHS from being overwhelmed.

Again. Like it wasn’t before. Very sensible. And to show how useless the NHS bureaucracy is, and that most doctors know diddlysquat about Covid a.k.a the ‘flu.  The people should rise up in arms on their legs and demand it be dismantled (unless Stupid gets them first).

Then perhaps we could design something suitable and slim, something really fit for purpose (the NHS is obese, which is why is has severe Covid syndrome, and also Stupid which will prove to be fatal in its case).

Cases of coronavirus have been rising sharply in Wales as the virus has woken up for winter.  Oh dear, poor virus. Give it some milk and tell it to hibernate like the hedgehogs While the national and local measures put in place across Wales have helped to keep that spread under check, there is a growing consensus that additional action is now needed.

Growing consensus eh? Proof that Stupidity is spreading like wild fire. I keep telling people it is very, very contagious (Stupidity, not Covid).

Between October 9 and 15, there were 4,127 new confirmed cases of coronavirus recorded by Public Health Wales, based on positive test results but the real level of infections will be much higher. The number of people admitted to hospital with coronavirus symptoms is growing daily and sadly so too are the number of people dying with coronavirus.

And sadly so too are the number of people dying of Stupidity.

The R number is currently between 1.1 and 1.4, meaning continued exponential growth in the number of cases and the seven-day rolling incidence rate for Wales stands at more than 130 cases per 100,000 population.

Wow! But Stupidity R number is at an all-time high. I estimate between 1000 and 2000. I do hope it levels off soon, I really do.

What restrictions are in place?

There are 5 main things:

      • people must stay at home, except for very limited purposes

So no visits to the moon please.

      • people must not visit other households or meet other people they do not live with

To prevent the Stupid contagion

      • certain businesses and venues, including bars, restaurants and most shops must close

If you think it is more than guidance and your brain isn’t working. In which case you are not fit to run a business. Survival of the fittest at work, sorry, survival of the sensiblist (new word) at work.

      • secondary schools can provide learning online only for the week after half-term, other than for children in years seven and eight. Primary schools and childcare settings can remain open.

Note online learning can only be provided in the week after half term. Not after that, it is banned (except for children in year 7 and 8, I can read you know).

  • face coverings continue to be mandatory in the indoor public spaces that remain open (subject to certain exemptions and exceptions), including on public transport and in taxis

I believe they are suggesting that taxis contain indoor public space. Fair enough if you are sharing, but then that would be breaking the household rule. Let alone antisocial distancing, unless perhaps it is a stretch limo. But then is that a taxi? I don’t know, my head hurts.

If you break these new laws: They are guidance not laws.

      • You may be told to go home or removed from where you are and returned home.

You may be. May be. Or you might not. Who knows?

      • You could have to pay a fixed penalty notice of £60. This will rise to £120 for the second breach,

Says who? GUIDANCE cannot be legally enforced. Period.

Or you could have criminal proceedings brought against you, and if found guilty, you will have to pay a fine.

See earlier. But of course true if actually do something actually illegal. Just not under this GUIDANCE.

Even where something may be allowed, we ask you not to think about whether it is permitted but whether it is truly necessary and sensible. This is reasonable. Sadly, Stupid was endemic before lockdown. The purpose of this short lockdown is to create a concerted national effort to do everything we can to stop the spread of coronavirus, and every individual contribution to that counts.

But not by being stupid.

How long will these measures stay in place?

These measures will be in place from 6pm Friday 23 October until the start of Monday 9 November 2020.

In case you missed it the first time. But the accuracy is lost, do check the exact times, you can’t be too careful.

What will happen after Monday 9 November?

Following the end of the firebreak, a new set of national rules will be introduced, covering how people can meet and how the public sector and businesses operate.

Goody, goody, I shall look forward to that.

My area is was subject to local restrictions – do these still apply?

No – the firebreak lockdown applies in the same way across Wales.

Phew, that’s a relief!

What are the rules on face coverings?

The rules on face coverings have not changed during the short lockdown period. Please visit our separate face coverings FAQs page.

The link says ‘It applies to everyone aged 11 and over, unless an exception applies.’  11 what? Days, months, years? Look, Stupid is catching and everything must be explained to the umpteenth detail.

If you are really stuck for an exemption (which if you have half a brain you shouldn’t be) then try decades. There are not that many just under 11 decades old, even Major Tom Moore is not that old.

Staying at home

Home can mean ‘one’s own country’ according to Merriam-Webster. A bummer if you want to go abroad for some sun. Far less restrictive, I think, than ‘one’s place of residence’ which is another definition. Not that I care.

When can I leave home?

You should only be outside of your home for very limited reasons, which include:

These are examples, which is why it says ‘include’. So make up your own list. Don’t forget that murdering the stupid, whilst therapeutic, will bring the police down on you like a ton of bricks and the likelihood of a long jail sentence. Unless you plead insanity, which like Stupidity is catching.

I hope that leaving your home in event of a fire is allowed. You could try waiting until the police or fire brigade give you permission of course. But at least the fire will sterilise your home.

      • the need to obtain supplies and services for you or your household, for example food, medicine, and essential household maintenance. We encourage everyone to make this as infrequently as possible

Unless you are exercising as well, this is highly efficient. See below.

      • to exercise, alone or with members of your household. We encourage this to be done locally.

Sensible, there are people who drive to go to the gym when they could walk or cycle and get the same benefits without polluting the air. But as I keep saying there is a lot of Stupid about, and has been for millennia.

      • to access childcare and education
      • to access medical services or other public services
      • to deposit and withdraw money from a bank or similar establishment
      • to provide care for or to help a vulnerable person; this includes getting food or medicines for them
      • to help the NHS by donating blood

See B is for…..More Blood for problems that could arise if you go to the NHS.

      • for work purposes, or voluntary or charitable purposes, but only where it is not reasonably practicable to do this from home
      • to visit a cemetery, burial ground or garden of remembrance to pay your respects

If you have the opportunity to bury Stupid in a cemetery whilst there, this will be gratefully appreciated.

      • to attend a wedding, civil partnership or funeral if you are invited

How many times have you gone to these events uninvited?

  • to attend court or meet other legal obligations
  • to escape a risk of illness or injury, such as for victims or people at risk of domestic abuse

To escape a risk of insanity is a perfect reason, and will show you are sane.

      • to access services provided to victims of crime or domestic abuse or those at imminent risk of becoming victims

For instance if you are being driven mad by your other half, and are tempted to do them an injury. Or vice versa.

However, i have just realised (about time too), that this guidance could be described as a hate crime. Complain to the police, they need something to do.

Whenever you leave home, you should try to minimise time spent outside of the home, and ensure you stay at least 2 metres away from anyone you don’t live with or are in a permitted “bubble” with.

What if I do not have a home, or I am in unsuitable accommodation?

Your local authority should help find you suitable emergency accommodation and support if you do not have a home or are in unsuitable accommodation, they have funding to support this.

If you are in need of support then you should contact the housing options team in your local area, their contact details will be located on your local authority’s website.

The Welsh Government also funds Shelter Cymru to provide independent housing advice and support. Further information, advice and support can be found on the Shelter Cymru website.

If you know anyone without a home or in unsuitable accommodation why not have them to stay for a bit? They might be nicer than you think.

If a tent is your home, then like the snail you can, obviously, take with you.

Ask the local authority if they can help find you a bigger house or flat as your rooms are full up with masks and sanitiser.

Has shielding been reinstated?

It is not necessary for those who are clinically extremely vulnerable to adopt strict shielding measures during this period. The regulations in place themselves act to reduce the circulation of the virus and by sticking strictly to the rules, people who are vulnerable will reduce their risk of exposure Bollux. Further reductions in risk can be achieved by:

      • keeping contacts outside the household to a minimum and avoiding all situations either inside or outside where a a physical distance of 2m from those outside your household cannot be maintained
      • shopping at quieter times of day and going once per week rather than every day, if you cannot do this online
      • washing hands regularly for 20 seconds with soap and water and using hand sanitiser where hand washing facilities are not available
      • wearing a face covering when required
      • avoiding touching surfaces that have been touched by others

As I have said elsewhere, all the above is bollux. But shopping at quieter times of the day is pleasant, so sensible (but won’t ‘control’ any virus).

Seeing other people

As opposed to hearing other people. You use your eyes for the first, and your ears for the second. Or even as opposed to smelling other people (don’t forget the issues with support bubbles and farting I have mentioned elsewhere in G is for…..Guidance).

Can I meet up with another household?

For most households the answer will be no, you must not meet up with anyone you do not live with How do you define ‘live with’? How long is ‘live with’? Can you see the loop hole here? Answers on a postcard, email to etc, except in very limited circumstances such as providing or receiving care (see answer below on caring responsibilities).

If you are an adult living alone or are a single parent household, you can form a temporary extended household with one other household. This will allow you to spend time with the people in that household as if you lived with them.

Can friends or family from another household come into my home?

No – see answer above.

The guidance is clear here. But the answer is yes if you ignore the guidance. And yes if you use the various exemptions, and enjoy the fun and games.

Are the rules on who I can meet different indoors and outdoors?

No. The purpose of this short lockdown is to reduce all physical contact between households to an absolute minimum, so as to do as much as we can to slow the spread of coronavirus.

Wrong! Yes, you can meet up with your own household indoors as much as you like, if they are not annoying you too much.

Can I form an extended household (or bubble)?

Are you good at blowing bubbles? Remember, big bubbles burst eventually, so extending small ones may be problematic.

No, you cannot form an extended household. The only exception to this is if you are an adult living alone or are a single parent household, you can be in a temporary extended household with one other household.

Are the rules different if I live in a House in Multiple Occupation (HMO) or supported living?

No. If you are a single adult or a single parent household within that shared home (a House in Multiple Occupation or HMO) the same rules apply; you can be in a temporary extended household with one other household from outside of your shared home. This also applies to students living in HMOs and to people in supported living arrangements where people have individual tenancies.

If you share facilities such as bathrooms or kitchens you should be aware of the increased risks and take appropriate precautions to minimise that risk – see PHW guidance for further information.

Wear a dressing gown, or some clothes when using the bathroom and kitchen to protect your modesty. And the risk of being seen in the buff – not that people care so much nowadays I suppose.

I share parental responsibility for a child with someone I don’t live with – can I still see them?

Where parental responsibility is shared, existing arrangements can continue and the child can move between both parents, and therefore between both parents’ households.

If you hadn’t got divorced or separated this would not be a problem now would it?

I have caring responsibilities for somebody I do not live with – can I visit them?

You are allowed to provide care for or to help someone who needs it, such as an older person, a child or a vulnerable adult, even if they are not part of your household. You can also visit someone on compassionate grounds if necessary.

When considering whether there is a need to visit someone outside your household, especially indoors, you should remember we all have a responsibility to recognise the risks the virus presents to ourselves, our families and friends and our wider communities.

Yup, I recognise the risks. Let’s have a look. Mmm. Nope, no risk, that’s great.

I am assuming that, like me, you are boosting your immune system by eating and drinking sensibly and getting enough fresh air and exercise and sleeping properly. If not why not? Have you caught Stupid? I fear so.

People need to make judgements for themselves about what is reasonable, in line with that overarching principle. Yes, done that. I judge it’s all bollux and I will use my common sense. I have plenty to share if anyone likes to ask me (if this post is not enough) Keep in mind that the purpose of the restrictions is to prevent the spreading of the virus, including to those we care about.

Purpose of restrictions is to scar, sorry, scare people witless. Except that scares can leave scars, so perhaps scar is right.

What do you mean by compassionate grounds?

At bit like coffee grounds you can scatter love about and it will keep the pests at bay and make people feel better. For more ideas on coffee grounds see

https://www.healthline.com/nutrition/uses-for-coffee-grounds#TOC_TITLE_HDR_18

For more ideas on love, see Jesus Christ.

You may have compassionate reasons for visiting someone in exceptional circumstances where that person is struggling with restrictions on meeting others generally or they may be suffering from a physical or mental illness, have suffered a bereavement or you may be concerned about their general wellbeing or welfare.

So any reason at all, those mentioned should cover all that really matter. I recommend being concerned about those physically nearest to you as the travel distance is less, and the walk should do you good. Good for you, and good for the neighbour.

A win-win situation; you can’t do better than that.

Visits to places such as supported accommodation, children’s homes, hospitals or care homes are permitted in exceptional circumstances, where they are allowed by the relevant setting. In each case, the service provider needs to put in place appropriate social distancing and safety measures before allowing visits, and you should contact them before travelling.

I rely on my wider family and friends to provide childcare while I am in work. Can they still do this for me?

Yes, but this form of childcare should only be used when no other methods are available. Children should not be cared for outside of their home if they are ill, or by anyone who is ill.

Your wider family are those who are fatter than you, or even obese. Obesity is a factor in Covid 19, so risky to involve them. Except that you should love them too, so sod the risk to yourself. Love is like that.

I live alone or am a single parent, so I am allowed to form an extended household – does it have to be with a household in my local area?

There are no rules specifying that your extended household has to be with someone in your local authority area, or within any set distance of your home. There are also no rules preventing extended households being formed with households outside Wales, and we recognise that these may in particular be the right answer for people living close to a border. 

Form an extended household with somebody in Timbuktu if that is the best loving thing to do.

However, bearing in mind the overall objective of the firebreak lockdown is to reduce contact between people as much as possible, we do recommend that extended households are formed locally where possible. In particular we ask that people think very carefully about possible alternatives before forming extended households which would require extensive travel or travel into areas outside Wales with very high incidence of coronavirus.

Exercise and outdoor activity

Can I leave home to exercise?

Yes. Exercise is important for physical and mental health, and you can leave home as often as you like to exercise as long as you do so from home and alone or with members of your household (and/or a carer).

Big sigh. If you leave home, you can only do so from home. Get it? I do hope so, I really do. Where’s that shot gun?

What kind of exercise is permitted?

There are no legal limits on this, but in practice this is constrained by other restrictions that have been imposed such as the closure of leisure centres, gyms and swimming pools. As one of the purposes of the restrictions is to reduce pressure on the Welsh NHS, we also ask people to avoid activities that involve a significant degree of risk (for example swimming or other exercise at sea, or in lakes, rivers or other waterways).

Extreme underwater ironing is not advised – yes, it really is a sport, it seems. I kid you not, look it up.

Are there any limits on how far I can run or cycle for exercise?

Until you are knackered. Then you can flop into a bath or shower. But don’t forget to turn the water on – sitting in a bath or shower when hot and sweaty will not be very comfortable if you don’t.

And don’t forget to take you clothes off, unless you are trying to save water as well, and do your washing at the same time. Honestly, do I have to tell you everything?!

There are no limits on the distance you can travel during exercise, Timbuktu if you wish to visit your extended household though the nearer you stay to your home, the better. Your exercise should start and finish from your home and you should exercise alone or with a member of your household. 

Does taking a walk count as exercise?

Duh. I think even Homer Simpson could work that out (which is why he doesn’t walk of course).

Absolutely. All time spent outdoors is beneficial, not if the temperature is below freezing and you are in the nude – something may become too cold and fall off as long as people avoid interacting with people they do not live with. Bollux

Can I exercise by going fishing or horse riding?

This is not specifically prohibited. However, you should not be driving to get to somewhere to exercise, and the need to carry sports equipment isn’t regarded as a justification on its own for driving in these circumstances. This will mean in practice most people cannot do these things for the short period of the lockdown.

I am no fisherman, but I believe it is relaxing and improves sanity. Horse riding is too, unless you trot which I found rather uncomfortable. The trots are always uncomfortable.

All exercise must be undertaken alone or with members of your household. Make friend s with the fish, they don’t care about Covid and may nibble your fingers if you are nice to them.

Don’t forget a horse is necessary for horse riding. And it is perfectly reasonable to talk to them. They do not care about Covid either. And they may enjoy the cleaner air with less cars about.

Can I play tennis or golf?

Golf and tennis clubs are required to close during the period of the lockdown, as are golf courses and tennis courts. 

That is just a load of balls. Small white ones and larger furry yellow ones. Check which ones you have.

Are parks open?

Parks are allowed to remain open for outdoor exercise including car parks. If no one is driving they should be reasonably safe. You can attend parks with members of your household but you must not arrange to meet with other households.

However, some parts of parks such as sports courts, skate parks, bowling greens and golf courses (including putting, pitch and putt or miniature golf) will be closed. But not presumably car parks, see earlier.

Are children’s playgrounds open?

Yes. The benefits of outdoor play to children are significant and keeping parks and playgrounds open supports children’s mental and physical health and wellbeing. Outdoor environments are lower risk in relation to coronavirus transmission. Bollux to the last sentence.

However, risk cannot be eliminated, and parents and guardians are encouraged to ensure playgrounds do not get too busy, because, for the unobservant, children crammed together won’t be able to run around and play properly and take responsibility for social distancing, especially for adults and children over 11. In particular, you must not arrange to meet with other households at playgrounds and should not socialise there. Should you perchance see someone you know, just ignore them. If they have read the guidance thoroughly they will understand. If not, um…..let me think.

…I know, make up a placard saying, ‘I am not being unfriendly, just following the rules’. Then everybody will know.

If you have the person’s mobile number, then you can try ringing them, whilst not looking at them of course. Just in case someone thinks you are socialising and reports you.

We also encourage frequent handwashing or sanitisation, not eating or drinking in parks, where please?… Oh I see, bring your own basin and water supply etc. Got it! If your child is starving or thirsty tell them that there are lots of children in Africa far worse off than them wiping down equipment with your own wipes, and maintaining low numbers within parks murder is not considered an appropriate action to keep numbers down and on equipment by taking turns especially on the roundabouts which need turning or using parks at less busy times. Which is sensible, unless you wish to ‘accidentally’ bump into someone. ‘It just happened, officer, I’m so sorry’.

Can I drive somewhere to exercise?

Exercise should be undertaken locally – from home or as close as possible to the home.  In general this should not involve people driving to a location away from home for this purpose.  No journeys of any significant distance should be taken, for example, just in order to exercise in the countryside or at beauty spots.

So if you live in somewhere horrible because you currently have no choice, it’s just tough. How kind of them. Still car driving is largely polluting, I go for walking and cycling first.

People with specific health or mobility issues may, however, need to travel from their home in order to be able to exercise.  For example, some wheelchair users may not be able to start to exercise immediately outside their homes for practical access reasons, and may need to drive to a suitable flat location, such as a park, for this purpose.  In these circumstances the journey should be to the nearest convenient accessible location and no long journeys should be undertaken unless absolutely necessary.

The need to carry sports equipment isn’t regarded as a justification on its own for driving in these circumstances. So don’t carry it on its own. Put a book on the passenger seat.

Can I do other things while out for exercise?

Certainly not! What a question to ask. No breathing allowed whatsoever! No listening either. Or looking. Only exercise permitted.

However, rolling the eyes up can count as exercise. Talking exercises the jaw. You get the picture (hopefully).

Yes, as long as they are also permitted, and do not involve gathering with people from other households outside a permitted “bubble”. Combining exercise with walking a dog or going to a shop to buy food, for example, is considered to be reasonable.

Dragging your knuckles on the ground counts to for those who have reverted to apes. See much earlier.

Leaving your home to exercise should not be used as an excuse to undertake other activity which is not permitted. The purpose of leaving home is to exercise. Going for a walk and then having a picnic or spending a prolonged period on a park bench, for example, is not considered to be exercise and is not intended to be a reasonable excuse.

Chewing is exercise for the jaw as referred to earlier. They are just fibbing.

Are professional or elite sports allowed?

Sportspeople who work and earn a living through sport are allowed to continue working, and like everyone else they can leave home to do so if they cannot work from home. However, the elite programme, overseen by Sport Wales, has been suspended during this firebreak period.

The following non-professional sporting events have also been authorised to continue (which means coaching and training for them may also continue):

      • Wales v Norway women’s UEFA European Championships football match on 27 October 
      • Wales v Scotland 6 Nations women’s rugby match on 1 November 
      • The UEFA Champions League match involving Swansea City AFC Ladies, to be held on 3 or 4 November 

Have men’s matches not been allowed? I suspect discrimination. The men should sue, or rise up in arms. Preferably the Cardiff Arms.

Will professional sports fixtures, such as the rugby union autumn internationals or the EFL Championship matches, be allowed to continue during this period?

Yes, fixtures involving professional sportspeople are allowed to continue behind closed doors. And closed minds, none of them are working properly at present All participants, such as players, officials, coaches, and broadcasters, are there in a working capacity.    How about making a large crowd cheerleaders? Make them officials with a temporary license. Make it voluntary work. Let the crowd decide how much cheering to do. As they used to do in the far distant past (seems like it anyway).

Work

Nasty 4 letter word to be avoided. Like ‘rule’ and ‘laws’ if they are stupid.

Unless you do something useful of course, then work is satisfying, even enjoyable.

However, ‘Love’ is a 4 letter word that should never, ever, be avoided in any circumstance whatsoever.

What are the rules about working from home?

These are often displayed in the kitchen and/or the bathroom/toilet. You know, ‘men put the toilet seat down after use’, that sort of thing.

You must work from home if you can.

However, people who are not able to work from home, but are able to work safely in their workplaces, can do so, provided their workplace remains open.

If their workplace is closed, how can they work in their workplaces??

Our guidance to employers is that employees should not be required or placed under pressure to return to a workplace setting if there is not a clearly demonstrated business need for them to do so. Like if the firm has gone bust. Employers who are considering requiring their staff to return to workplace settings should first assess whether alternative arrangements could meet the majority of the employer’s needs. This should be discussed with staff or representatives of staff.

My work cannot be done from home – can I still go to work?

Yes. Occupations like construction and manufacturing can continue, subject to compliance with other rules such as employers ensuring that all reasonable measures are taken to mitigate the spread of coronavirus.

It could still be dangerous to go to work as Stupid is lurking in every corner. I wouldn’t chance it.

Can I carry out building, repair or maintenance work in someone’s home?

As long as they, the someone, have given you permission. They may object if you knock a hole in their outside wall without permission as winter is approaching, and it may let the rain in.

Work carried out in people’s homes, for example by tradespeople, can continue as long as it is managed in a safe way and both the worker and household members are well and have no symptoms of coronavirus. However, we recommend that people consider whether the work can be safely deferred until after this short lockdown.

Look, knowing builders, the homeowners have probably already waited months for you to say you are coming. Don’t waste yet more time by fobbing them off with yet another excuse.

Like other businesses, people working in someone else’s home must take all reasonable measures to ensure to mitigate the risk of coronavirus spreading when working in other people’s households. Please see the guidance on reasonable measures and on working in other people’s homes for more information.

It is also recommended that no work should be carried out in any household where someone is isolating, unless it is to repair a fault which poses a direct risk to people’s safety – for example, emergency plumbing, or isolating an electrical circuit  or carry out an adaptation to allow that household to remain in their property. If attendance is unavoidable (because of an urgent or emergency situation), additional precautions should be taken to keep workers and householders completely separate from each other.  In these cases, Public Health Wales can provide advice to tradespeople and households. But no work should be carried out by a tradesperson who has coronavirus symptoms, however mild. Or mild Stupid symptoms. But this works both ways. If the homeowner displays symptoms you might reconsider the job.

I have already started building, repair or maintenance work in someone’s home, can I complete that work?

No, leave it and start another job as you usually do. Covid is just another excuse you can use for not turning up when you said you would.

But see later – you might wish to change your mind, as the Most High will have something to say about it, and you would not like it when He is angry.

Work underway can continue as long as it is managed in a safe way and both the worker and household members are well and have no symptoms of coronavirus. However, we recommend that people consider whether the work can be safely deferred until after this short lockdown.

They have probably waited far too long already – don’t delay!

Can I deliver housing-related support in emergency accommodation, supported accommodation or in someone’s home?

Homelessness, housing and support services can be delivered face-to-face but support providers should ensure that all reasonable measures are taken to mitigate the risk of coronavirus spreading. Service providers should also consider whether the support can be delivered by telephone or video calls during this period.

Can I do voluntary work?

If you want to. That’s why it’s called v-o-l-u-n-t-a-r-y.

Yes, although you must do so from home if reasonably practicable. Like washing the dishes, helping your dad or mum, they will appreciate it If you are looking for more local volunteering opportunities you can contact your local County Voluntary Council (CVC).

You can also go out to provide care or help to a vulnerable person, including emergency help. This includes getting food and medicines for them. But it is important you do not put yourself or the person you are caring for at risk. Of catching Stupid.

Does my business have to close under the new restrictions?

Only if you are stupid. This is all GUIDANCE.

We have published a full list of businesses that are required to close temporarily.

We recognise the enormous efforts businesses have made to become safe places They were dangerous before all this nonsense?? Occasionally yes, sadly. This closure requirement is not a reflection on those efforts and many business environments make a low or moderate contribution only to the risk of transmitting the virus Bollux. But at this stage, minimising any contribution to the spread of the virus is important, which is why we are requiring certain businesses to close temporarily. Pillux (new word).

I run a business that has been closed due to the new restrictions. Is there any support available?

Yes, my GUIDANCE here and elsewhere on my website. Or just ask me, I don’t bite sensible or frightened people.

Yes – please see our pages on financial support for businesses.

I live in England but work in Wales, can I still travel?

To Wales? To Ireland? To Scotland? Do be specific; it is helpful for the stupid.

Anyone who is in Wales, whether resident or travelling here, is bound by these rules. However, travelling to a workplace in Wales is a reasonable excuse to leave home If there are nutcases at home this is reasonable too. Similarly, people living in Wales can travel to England for work purposes where this is necessary and they cannot work from home.

Can businesses operate a delivery service, even if they are required to close?

If you are closed, how please can you operate a delivery service? You are either open (with limitations, if applicable) or closed.

Yes. Businesses can provide an online or telephone delivery service, even if they are required to close.

Education and childcare

Will primary schools remain open?

Yes, primary schools will remain open other than during usual half term holidays.  The Welsh Government has said throughout that ensuring children can continue to be taught in school is a priority, and schools are also a safe environment.

Read detailed firebreak guidance about schools.

It says this in the link. My child goes to school in Powys where they would have had 2 weeks off school by Monday 2 November. Do they also need to comply with the firebreak requirements for schools?

Am I being stupid (Oh no! I haven’t caught it, have I?)? Why should you comply with ‘firebreak requirements for schools’ if you are not at school???? My head hurts again.

Schools comply (if they are stupid), you don’t if you are at home (unless you are also very, very stupid).

Will secondary schools remain open?

Secondary schools will re-open after the half-term for children in years seven and eight. Pupils will be able to come in to take exams but other pupils will continue their learning from home for an extra week.

Read detailed firebreak guidance about schools.

I live in Wales but travel daily to England to attend school, college or university. Can I still go there?

Is ‘there’ Wales or England? My head still hurts and I think I have a nasty case of Stupid.

Yes. If you attend school, college or university in England, which is not covered by the firebreak, it is a reasonable excuse to travel there and this is allowed during the firebreak period, if you are unable to access your education online for this period.

This also applies to staff who travel to England to teach at schools, colleges or universities there and who are not able to work from home during the firebreak. However, you need to be mindful of any restrictions in place in the area you are travelling to in England.

What are the rules on teaching at universities?

      • Forget to turn up to lectures sometimes (students do this too).
      • Bore your students rigid (occasionally happens I believe).
      • Be left wing (a general requirement, unless you keep quiet about your political views).

Universities can continue to provide a combination of in person teaching and blended learning.

Put everything in the blender and get a murky brown muck out. A sort of left-wing soup (or worse). See if you can find anything solid in it worth keeping. If it is worse, then the toilet is probably the best place for it (and don’t look for anything solid).

While incidents of Covid-19 have risen in the student population and Stupidity of course, evidence shows this is taking place outside the teaching and learning environment and Stupidity of course. Universities are operating Covid-secure campuses and adhering to strict social distancing. Coronavirus cases amongst staff remain low. But not Stupidity cases, sadly.

It is also much safer for students to remain on campus than to travel home. Stupidity is in both places, not sure which is safer to be honest. You may be safer constantly travelling and never arriving.

Are university students who live away from home expected to return home?

Eventually yes. There are those perpetual students who go onto Ph.D’s, professorships etc and never seem to leave the ivory towers. As they don’t get much practical experience of life in the broadest sense, they are often a virulent source of Stupid.

We are asking all students living in Wales, and all our Welsh students living outside Wales, to help us keep Wales safe by not travelling between university and home.

Save the Wales!!

You should only move between your term time address and your home address if absolutely necessary if these are written down in the same address book you won’t have to move very far at all. Just move your eyes from one address to the other. Easy, for example for work, to provide or receive care or because of concerns about your wellbeing ‘I think I might be going down with Stupid, dad/mum’. You should not return home for a ‘visit’ during this period. Dad/mum will not want to catch your Stupid You should not travel home if you have been asked to self-isolate or have Covid-19 symptoms.

What are the rules on teaching in colleges?

See universities. College teaching can be more practical, however.

Colleges will move to online-only provision for the week following half term.    Work-based learning programmes, like apprenticeships and traineeships, and adult learning will also be online-only for the period of the lockdown.  Students scheduled to take GCSE resits or university entrance exams in the first week of November can attend college to do so.

Are childcare providers still allowed to operate?

Trains? No, unless they are toys. But that would spoil the children’s fun – it is they that are supposed to be learning from play, not you. Unless, of course, you have never grown up. The children may let you join in if you ask nicely.

Yes. Children can continue to access their usual childcare provider, and you can travel to provide, access or receive childcare. Children can also continue to attend staffed playwork provision, like open access play sessions.

All childcare and playwork providers, including Flying Start childcare, can remain open and offer their normal services, including provision through the half term holidays.  This includes childcare and playwork providers operating from school sites, community centres and places of worship. Nannies can also continue to provide childcare.

Your nannie, or granny, or nan can too. But not your naan or nan. This provides food.

But I suppose it is a form of child care if children eat them when hungry. So let’s include them as well.

Can family or friends provide informal childcare?

Yes, but this form of childcare should only be used when no other methods are available. When your nan is not available. Nans seem particularly suited to child care, having more time and experience usually Children should not be cared for outside of their home if they are ill, or by anyone who is ill.  Obviously. And don’t take them to hospital unless really necessary, for reasons given later Adults dropping off children for childcare should not enter someone else’s home or drop them off a cliff as that will hurt them.

Are activities and clubs for children allowed to run?

Running is exercise, so yes.

No. With the exception of very limited circumstances (such as clubs for childcare and those running over the school holidays), mixing between households is not permitted during this period. This includes all indoor and outdoor gatherings, including activities such as Scouts groups, parent and toddler groups and dance classes. This reflects that people including children should not be spending time with people they do not live with unless essential.

Are libraries open?

No, libraries are closed during the period of the lockdown.

No learning then, books can be dangerous. But these are presumably public libraries, closed to the public. Private libraries are, well, private. These remain open to the private.

Health and social care

Can I still access health services?

NHS Wales is still here to help you if you need care if it is anything like the NHS in England I would avoid it if I were you. The NHS is teeming with Stupid I’m sorry to say , and it’s important you continue to attend appointments and seek help for urgent medical issues. You can leave your home to access local health services, including your GP surgery, dentist, optometrist or other health service. If your appointment changes, your health board or health professional will contact you. Advice on services that are still operating is available on your health board or trust website. You are advised to follow any guidance your local surgery, dentist, optometrist or health service has put in place to protect you and staff, including the need to keep 2m away from other patients whilst waiting to be seen.

If you have symptoms of Coronavirus do not visit your GP, hospital, pharmacy, optometrist or dentist. For more information please use the NHS Wales symptom checker.

If you have symptoms of Stupid do not visit anywhere. Seek emergency attention (wisdom) from the Most High immediately. The consequences of ignoring Him will be fatal.

Can I visit someone in hospital?

If they need love, of course you must.

You are advised to contact the health board or trust for local information prior to visiting

Can I visit someone in a care home?

If they need love, of course you must. If you are not let in ask why when despair can be a killer, and far, far more dangerous than Covid 19 (or the ‘flu as it is more commonly known).

Routine visits (indoors and outdoors) should not take place during the firebreak period. Visits to care homes in exceptional circumstances including, but not restricted to, end of life visits are permitted during the firebreak period your life or theirs? Just checking

We are asking care home providers to ensure that appropriate and sensitive arrangements are made to support visits in these circumstances. Fight for your loved ones, the sad, the distressed. Persist with a fierce gentleness until the right thing is done The visit should be discussed and agreed with the individual care home in advance prior to travel.

Can I visit someone in supported living?

See above.

If you are a single household in supported living you are entitled to extend your household to include one other household.

It is important decisions related to people in supported living are taken collaboratively involving the people living there, their families, the providers of care and support and the commissioners of services.

Can I still see my support worker?

As long as your eyes are open when he or she is in front of you, yes. If they are behind you, you won’t see them unless there is a mirror in front of you. Then you will see a reflection, which is the next best thing.

Like seeing an angel in clear, clean water.

Yes, you can still see your support worker. However, support services should assess whether support can be delivered through phone or video. If support is delivered face-to-face then the support provider should ensure that it is done in a safe manner, with social distancing and provision of PPE if necessary.

Shopping and personal services

Oh yes, we know about personal services, nudge nudge, wink wink.

What shops are open?

All leisure and non-essential retail is closed. Non –essential retail therapy is out then This includes clothes shops, furniture shops and car dealerships never liked cars much so I’m ok with that, far too many cars already among many others. A full list of types of businesses required to close is available in our guidance on business closures.

Shops allowed to remain open include supermarkets and other food retailers, pharmacies, banks and post offices. However, wherever possible people should avoid unnecessary visits to these, and use alternative approaches such as online services and deliveries.

It is far nicer to go to the physical shops where the all the senses can be engaged. Provided the smelly are not there of course – masks might help a bit in that case but not otherwise.

How far can I travel to shop for essentials?

How far do you want to go? What is truly essential? Does Timbuktu hold the thing you really need and they don’t deliver? Visit your extended household (see earlier) and find out.

Please stay local to your home whenever possible. There are no set rules on this, but people are advised to avoid unnecessary travel and avoid crowded spaces wherever possible, particularly indoors. Alternative approaches such as online services and deliveries should be used wherever possible.

What restrictions are in place on alcohol sales?

Shops that are allowed to be open during the firebreak period must stop serving alcohol  Come, come, shops do not serve alcohol; pubs, clubs and bars serve alcohol. By all the Gordons of Bennet, who wrote this crap? from 10pm and cannot begin to sell alcohol again until 6am the next day. On-line deliveries from supermarkets and other providers must not include alcohol after 10pm. The intention of the regulation is to ensure that supermarkets (regardless of where their operations are based) are not supplying alcohol to customers in Wales at the point of delivery after 10pm. Any retailers located within Wales but providing deliveries across the border to customers in England should follow the English regulations. 

Am I allowed to use “click and collect” services?

Where shops are allowed to open, they are also allowed to provide a click and collect service. These should be provided in a Covid secure way. You should not travel long distances to access click and collect services.

Can I go shopping with my friends?

No. Meeting with people from outside your household for shopping is not allowed.

Extend your household to include some friends from another household if you are a single parent – see earlier for definition. Perhaps you could consider becoming single again for a while, until Stupid recedes.

You know, become singles, in your own home, choose a room you like best, make an adventure of it. Then try an extended household outside the house or flat.

Of course, you might ‘accidentally’ meet your other half in the hallway on the way to the loo. But, as they say, accidents will happen, so it is not your fault, is it?

Can hairdressers and beauty salons stay open?

No – these services are prohibited under the new lockdown regulations, wherever they take place.

Hair today, gone tomorrow.

Are refuse and recycling centres open?

No, these are not open during the lockdown period.

They refuse to be open.

Can close contact services stay open?

No. We are asking all close contact services, such as massage (including sports and clinical massage), acupuncture, tattoo I hate tattoos, why plaster you skin with dark ink and block vitamin D production. It is a good idea to stop this kind of tattoo, make it permanent world-wide and hair and beauty services to close. Please see the business closures guidance for further details.

Please note that I consider massage and acupuncture a lot more useful than the ghastly white pills doctors push, so this is poor show.

The only close contact treatments or services that are permitted to continue to operate are those which are providing medical treatments for illness or injury – for example, therapists watch out for the rapists working alongside or in conjunction with a statutory regulated health professional.

Restaurants, cafes, pubs and entertainment

What are these, I can’t remember?

Are cafes, restaurants, pubs and bars able to open?

These premises are allowed to open for takeaway services only. Food and drink may not be consumed at the premises. Alcoholic drinks cannot be sold between 10:00pm and 6:00am.

Physical distancing measures must be applied, and customers and staff are required to wear a face covering. At all times. Find another hole other than your mouth to drink and eat with. Or find the ‘R’ souls who wrote this and feed them this guidance through one of their holes.

What entertainment venues are closed?

All entertainment venues, such as cinemas, theatres and bowling alleys, must be closed. Please see the business closures guidance for more information.

Travelling and transport

Travelling is defined in part as ‘going from one place to another’. Transport is when you change ports, as you no longer like the port you are in. Such as Newport to Port Dinorwic (Y Felinheli). Like transgender, only with ports. 

Some people are not sure about their ports, and remain stuck at the intersects, which is short for intersections of course. They don’t know where to go, they have lost their way. Like the transgender intersex souls.

Help them find their way by pointing to Jesus Christ, He loves helping the lost.

Are there travel restrictions in place in Wales?

Yes. Travel is limited to essential travel only, for example, for caring responsibilities or for work purposes where people cannot work from home.

I live in Wales, can I go on holiday in Wales or the rest of the UK?

No. Travelling within Wales for a holiday so go for a rest instead, changing the name helps avoid Stupidity is not one of the permitted reasons to travel under the Regulations. It is also not a reasonable excuse to travel to the rest of the UK for a holiday during the firebreak period.

If you have pre-booked – and paid for a holiday – we would advise you to contact the travel agent or travel company to discuss the current situation in Wales and the restrictions which have been put in place by the Welsh Government to restrict non-essential travel. You should also contact your travel insurer to discuss the situation – while many insurers have designed policies with coronavirus exclusion clauses, some annual policies may cover this situation.

I do not live in Wales, can I travel to Wales for a holiday or to visit family and friends?

Boring.

No. Travel in to Wales is limited to essential travel only during the firebreak period, for example travelling for work purposes or to return home.

People travelling from an exempt county or territory need a reasonable excuse to enter and remain in Wales and must follow the firebreak regulations, as explained in this guidance.

People travelling from a non-exempt country need a reasonable excuse to enter and remain in Wales and must isolate for 14 days on arrival.

Can I go on holiday abroad?

Boring.

No. Travel abroad is only permitted for people with a reasonable excuse.

We know this will be disappointing but travelling out of Wales for a holiday is not one of the permitted reasons under the Regulations. The Regulations are in place to protect you and your loved ones from coronavirus and to prevent the onward spread of the virus to other areas of Wales, the UK and other countries.

B-O-L-L-U-X

If you have pre-booked – and paid for a holiday – we would advise you to contact the travel agent or travel company to discuss the current situation in Wales and the restrictions which have been put in place by the Welsh Government to restrict non-essential travel. You should also contact your travel insurer to discuss the situation – while many insurers have designed policies with coronavirus exclusion clauses, some annual policies may cover this situation.

Can I collect or drop off someone at the airport if they are travelling to Wales for an allowed purpose?

Pardon?? If this is Welsh guidance then it applies to Wales only. If you are in Wales, you cannot travel to Wales, can you?

Question. How many cretins does it take to write the guidance?

Answer. As many as are in the Civil Service, Welsh or otherwise.

Another question. Is Guantanamo Bay full yet? If not, ‘Dear Donald, please you help us etc etc’.

Yes, if the only alternative would be for them to use public transport or a taxi. Please follow our guidance on travelling safely.

Are accommodation businesses in Wales allowed to open?

No, all accommodation businesses are required to be closed where Stupidity remains a distinct threat.

However, accommodation which is closed can continue to provide accommodation for anybody who is living there as their main residence as of 6pm on Friday 23 October, or is staying there at that time and is unable to return to their main residence. Accommodation businesses should ensure they do not unintentionally make anyone homeless as a result of closure – for advice they should contact the local authority housing options team.

Local Authorities or Welsh Ministers can also authorise or make a request for accommodation businesses to provide some other services whilst closed. Requests could for example include accommodating key workers, people who have been displaced or are homeless, or medical patients.

I do not live in Wales but I am currently in Wales on holiday. When can I return home?

When you have got over being Stupid, or if the landlady chucks you out. Or if you want to home.

We recognise that some people have been unable to return home before the lockdown came in to force, for example because they are booked on a flight which could not be changed.

In these circumstances, walk or swim, less pollution you see. Or use hot air balloon. Fuel supply available from Welsh Parliament building (Senedd), or Neil Kinnock you will need to comply with the restrictions in your current location until such a time as you are able to travel home or to another destination outside Wales, which you should do as soon as possible.

In these instances, your accommodation provider is allowed to continue providing its services to you until you can return home become sane again, run out of money etc . It does not need to be specially authorised to continue accommodating you. Oh good.

I do not live in Wales – can I transit through Wales, for example to use the airport or to pass between England and Ireland?

Or to see if one of the mines is open. Then you could try digging to Australia or New Zealand. However, I believe Stupid is rampaging over there, so inadvisable.

Yes, this is permitted, but you should keep all necessary stops within Wales to a minimum, and minimise all contact with people as much as possible.

I live in Wales but I am currently on holiday outside of Wales. When will I be able to return home?

Never. Tough luck, eh? Or use your brain, that grey sloppy thing inside your head.

We recognise that some people  were unable to return home before the lockdown came in to force, for example because they are booked on a flight which cannot be changed. In these circumstances you should return home at the earliest opportunity.

Can I travel to and from my second home during the lockdown?

Until Monday 9 November at 12:01am, travel in Wales without a reasonable excuse is an offence. Travelling into, out of or within Wales to visit, check or inspect a holiday home or stay in a second home is not a reasonable excuse. 

The same rules apply to caravans, boats and other temporary accommodation.

If there is a storm, and your boat or caravan has ended up in someone’s back garden, let’s hope that is reasonable.

Caravan owners will need to make arrangements with the site owners to winterise their caravans after the circuit breaker lockdown period has ended.

Normally done at this time of the year anyway, so big deal.

Is public transport still operating?

Services will continue, particularly during peak times. However, bus and rail timetables will be reduced and potentially subject to late cancellations. As per normal prior to lockdown Please check the latest service information before you travel.

Can taxis still operate?

Whether taxes will still be around is another matter, if Stupid doesn’t go away and we don’t start working properly. Then everything will fall apart.

Still perhaps we could all work to help each other instead. Crowd fund road mending etc. Could work with the internet.

And hearts full of love.

Yes, taxis can still operate where measures are in place to mitigate the risks which are involved when sharing a vehicle. However, all journeys must be for one of the very limited purposes allowed under the lockdown rules.

Can I still have repair and maintenance work done on my vehicle?

Yes, if this is necessary and cannot reasonably be deferred until after the lockdown period. Routine services should be deferred.

My MOT is due during this lockdown period – do I still have to get it done?

Yes, you still need a valid MOT certificate if you need to use your vehicle for essential travel. If your MOT is not due during this lockdown period but you have an appointment booked, please consider deferring.  

Oh Lord, give me strength! If the ‘MOT is not due during this lockdown period’ why, oh why should you consider deferring? That the appointment was booked in during this lockdown period? Is that what they mean? As I said before, I am rather dim and everything must be explained to me.

Can I car share or give someone a lift?

Please avoid sharing a car with another person outside your household. You can follow this guidance on travelling safely.

Can I have driving lessons?

No – during the short period of this lockdown, driving lessons should not take place.

The roads will be emptier, and you will have plenty of space to practice, but better to wait until more cars are on the road for you to aim at.

I have a driving test or theory test booked during this period – can it go ahead?

No – you should rearrange your test for 9 November or later. There is currently no charge for rearranging your test with DVSA.

I don’t think I can cope with any more! ‘You can do it, don’t give up Baldy’

Moving home

Can I move home?

The stress is bad enough already, don’t bother.

Yes, if you can’t delay the moving date until after the short lockdown period is over.

Associated activities, for example, removals processes, property preparation, handover of keys, surveys and valuations can also take place in line with guidance on working in other people’s homes.

Can home viewings take place?

No. Property viewings cannot take place during the firebreak period and high street estate agencies are required to close if your agency is not in the High Street, then well done you for forward planning. Did you see this coming? Virtual viewings can continue.

Can a valuation or mortgage survey be done at my property?

People responsible for valuing and surveying are not prohibited from entering people’s homes, as long as it is managed in a safe way and both the worker and household members are well and have no symptoms of coronavirus. However, we recommend that people consider whether the work can be safely deferred until after this short lockdown.

Can I be evicted from my home during the firebreak period?

No. Her Majesty’s Courts and Tribunals Service has confirmed that no evictions will take place during the firebreak. Any evictions that are currently scheduled for the firebreak period will be postponed to a date after 9 November.

Are refuges still open?

We need all the refuges we can get. Jesus is a strong tower to go to. You will find sanity there.

Emergency accommodation for victims fleeing domestic abuse and sexual violence remain open and continue accepting referrals. Live Fear Free helpline is a 24 hour, free service for anyone experiencing violence or abuse, or for anyone concerned about a victim’s safety. Live Fear free can be contacted by

Phone: 0808 8010 800 or Text: 078600 77333

Live chat

Guidance for providers of refuge accommodation on making these safe can be accessed here.

Places of worship, marriages and civil partnerships, cemeteries and funerals

What are the rules for religious services?

Here we have the crux of the problem. Religious services rather than love. The Most High is not, never has been, never will be interested in religious services which He finds repugnant.

This is why the services are curtailed.

He just wants His children to love one another and for them all to be happy. It is Loopy Lucy, a.k.a. Satan who wants to boss the world around and who is a spoil sport (which is why there is limited sport).

Places of worship are not open to the public, other than for wedding or civil partnership ceremonies or funerals, where people can attend at the invitation of the organiser. Please see the guidance on funerals and guidance on weddings for more information.

Faith leaders we are all brothers and sisters. Jesus said ‘Do not be called leaders’, why have so many who call themselves Christians flagrantly disobeyed this? may access the place of worship to broadcast (without a congregation) an act of worship or funeral, whether over the internet or as part of a radio or television broadcast. Weddings and funerals may also be broadcast from places of worship.

Are all potential wedding or civil partnership ceremony venues now allowed to open?

Potential??? Including future ones???

Places of worship and Register Offices are able to remain open for wedding and civil partnership ceremonies. This is subject to the need to take all reasonable measures to minimise the risk of spreading the virus on the premises.

Other ‘approved premises’ such as hotels, are required to close alongside other businesses in the hospitality sector.

Wedding or civil partnership ‘receptions’ are not permitted, and in practice many venues are required to close for the duration of this short lockdown

Are there limits to the number of people who can attend ceremonies?

The number who are able to attend a ceremony indoors is limited by the capacity of the venue where it is being held surprise, surprise, you didn’t know that did you?, once physical distancing measures have been taken into account

To ensure that the maximum number that can attend is observed attendance must be by invitation only. Please see the relevant guidance on weddings and civil partnership ceremonies.

What are the rules on holding receptions?

Wedding and civil partnership receptions are not allowed.

A close family member has died and I need to organise the funeral – what do I do?

Bury them in the garden before they smell, if you have a garden. If not ask a neighbour if they have a spare plot. Alternatively, empty the freezer if you have one, and store the body there until help arrives.

Better still; pester the authorities until common sense prevails. Note that a cool room will keep the decay processes at bay a little longer if you are worried.

Funerals can be a distressing experience, and the impact of coronavirus is making it even more difficult to make practical arrangements. Guidance on funerals has been issued.

Can I go to a funeral?

Yes, but you must be invited Some families may welcome extra uninvited people as it shows solidarity with the human family, but dress appropriately. Don’t wear masks as they may think the IRA has come over. Numbers are constrained by the need to put physical distancing measures in place. 

Can I hold a wake or another form of gathering following a funeral?

No – for the duration of the lockdown period, these gatherings are not allowed.

Can I go to a cemetery to visit a family member’s grave?

Yes. But you should ensure that you follow physical distancing practices when doing so.

Don’t get too close to the grave as something serious might happen to you. Or don’t get too close to the serious as something grave might happen to you. Much the same difference.

Remembrance

Can Acts of Remembrance take place at War Memorials or Cenotaphs? 

Acts of Remembrance that are outdoors at War Memorials or Cenotaphs are permitted to take place on 7 or 8 November. Indoor services are not permitted. 

Up to a maximum of 30 individuals, including event organisers, are permitted to gather outdoors and can take part in an Act of Remembrance. Those who organise an event will have a duty of care to those attending to make it as safe as possible and uphold guidance around physical distancing and hygiene.

And remember those blown to bits and gassed to death wearing masks in the trenches. Those masks that were necessary, rather than those that are pointless.

And remember that Germany started the two world wars, as it started this one, this war of words (there are other groups as well responsible as I have said before).

And remember above all that Loopy Lucy started it in the first place, back in the Garden of Eden.

Can services of Remembrance be held in a place of worship?

No – places of worship will not be open to the public for Acts of Remembrance. Places of worship can only open for wedding or civil partnership ceremonies and funerals.

Faith leaders may access a place of worship to broadcast (without a congregation) an act of worship, whether over the internet or as part of a radio or television broadcast. This could include a service of remembrance and others working to facilitate the broadcast can also attend.

Can parades or marches be held to mark Remembrance this year?

No, parades should not take place.

But I believe protests can. Hold a peaceful protest walking to the war memorial or cenotaph (rather like a parade, but different because you have called it something different).

Can people travel to participate in Acts of Remembrance?

A person has a reasonable excuse to leave the place where they are living to attend an event to commemorate Remembrance that is held on 7 of 8 November.

Don’t think the English is very good here, but perhaps I am being picky.

Animal health and welfare

Are vets still able to work?

Can vets fly? Who cares anymore?

Yes, but you should only seek treatment for your animals if it is urgent and cannot be deferred until after 9 November.

Can I travel to tend to my animals for welfare reasons?

It says in the Old Testament that if an animal has fallen down a well you should help get it out, even though it is your enemy’s beast. That is true love.

You should try to put in place alternative arrangements that do not involve travel if possible. Please visit our guidance for livestock and equine owners.

Enforcement and fines

Who enforces the restrictions?

The restrictions are being enforced by local authority enforcement officers and the police.

Are they? Are they as confused as the rest of us? Anyone asked them?

What can local authority enforcement officers do?

They can issue fixed penalty notices or recommend prosecution in a magistrates’ court. In addition, they have wide-ranging powers to take practical steps to disperse gatherings, require people to go home and enter property.

From pre-existing legislation prior to the Coronavirus Act 2020. But the act itself has no powers.

And as I recall they need a warrant to enter your property without your permission.

What if reasonable measures to minimise the risk of exposure to coronavirus aren’t taken on premises or in the workplace?

Local authority enforcement officers are now able to issue a “premises improvement notice”.  The link is to a poster, not a notice. It is all, quite simply, bollux. This requires the person responsible for the premises to take specified measures, and if those measures are not taken an officer may issue a “premises closure notice” requiring the premises to close. Where necessary, an officer may also issue a premises closure notice without having previously issued a premises improvement notice.

So if people don’t comply premises can be closed down.

If you let them. But don’t get violent about it. If you need help you can ask me. I can at least give you the right words if you are stuck.

What will the police do?

The police in Wales will engage with people, explain what they need to do and encourage them to comply. But our police forces have been given powers and they will use them – the restrictions will be enforced if people don’t respond.

They are trying to scare you. Be calm and carry on as the poster might say. And try offering a cup of tea to the police; it may calm them down too.

What are the financial penalties?

The coronavirus regulations include provisions for a fixed penalty notice to be issued for most types of breaches of the regulations, carrying a fine of £60; this is increased to £120 for a second offence and continues to double for repeated offences, up to a maximum of £1,920. If prosecuted, however, a court can impose any fine (it is not limited).

Again, should you have the misfortune to be fined for so-called offenses under this GUIDANCE, then I may be able to advise. However, a competent solicitor should be available somewhere I hope

Organising an unlicensed music event of more than 30 people is a separate criminal offence. These are events that are not licensed or otherwise authorised under the Licensing Act 2003. A breach of this prohibition will be an offence punishable by conviction and an unlimited fine or, as an alternative to conviction, by a fixed penalty set at £10,000.  

The unlimited fine or significant fixed penalty for organisers of these illegal events reflects the potentially serious public health consequences at this time.

This is unrelated to the current Covid issues, but relevant to note.

We hope people understand the severity of the situation we are facing and will comply with the regulations, without having to be issued penalties.

By accepting stupidity as the norm. Unless you have got over it, in which case congratulations!

Phew!! I made it! At last! That was a marathon. I hope you appreciated it all.

Just to sum up. It is all bollux. It is GUIDANCE. If anything is sensible, do it. If not, don’t.

It makes sense to walk and cycle as much as you can. Use public transport where you can.

Don’t buy what you don’t need. Buy stuff that can be recycled/repaired as the world used to do. A long time ago it seems now. Otherwise the sea will be full of crap and landfill sites will overflow. They are already if you hadn’t noticed.

Above all, love your neighbour, or do as you would be done by.

And spare a thought for God, the heavenly Father who cares much, much more than you realise.

And look to His Son who is coming back soon.