11th August, 2020

I think it about time we had a list of ingredients you mind find on our menu.  To be honest, you can look up these up in any good dictionary to find out what they are.

However, for ease of reference I am going to list the ones that some people, the overly refined, might take exception to. Or to which they might take exception. One or the other. Take your choice. Like another menu, albeit very small.

So should you find these ingredients scattered about, don’t be surprised. They normally come with warning signs. However, the Chef does like to do his own thing – I trust his judgement – and He insists on having the last say.

But don’t blame old Baldy if you don’t like them. There are other establishments as I have said before. So here they are, it is not exhaustive as that might take forever to list. Still, I have an endless supply of time, so who knows; I might keep adding to it.

Arse – A river in France. We like the French (on the whole), but not their bureaucracy. The bread in France is ‘pain’. Stale bread gets thrown into the Arse. Hence ‘pain in the Arse’. Which the French can be with their bureaucracy.

Arse was also a king of Persia, and according to Wikipedia, took the ‘regnal name Artaxerxes IV’. Also ‘Bagoas, who wanted to be kingmaker, put the young Arses on the throne.’ Now confused as there seem to be more than one Arse on the throne as Arses plural. Anyway, Bagoas was apparently a eunuch.  

Not sure how he had the balls (see latter) to put him on the throne. Of course, ‘the throne’ is a word used by some for the toilet. Which is where people sit (or shit, if you are Sean Connery).

A sensible place to put an Arse then.

Balls – Dances for the well-off and to a lesser extent the not so well-off. There can be quite a lot of balls in a season or any one year. A lot can be a load, so there can be a load of balls.  

Balls can also mean courage, which is what Bagoas must have had despite being a eunuch. Which is confusing.

But eunuch doesn’t look quite right. I think it should be EU-nuch. Nuch according to the internet means ’not much’. So the EU is not much. Makes sense.

There is also a balls-up. When you are up for a ball, like a footballer player trying to head one. Or what happens when you try to leave the EU, and people don’t want you to.

Barstard or Bastard– An illegitimate child, one born out of wedlock. Bar means ‘son of’ in Hebrew. What about -stard?

Well, STARD stands for ‘Standards for Reporting of Diagnostic Accuracy Studies’ according to Wikipedia. I have read the entry. I consider it can be described by other words listed in this page.

Stard could be star-d as in a D movie star, as opposed to a B movie star. D considerably worse than B, so if a B movie star is not good, D is dreadful. D for dreadful. Easy to remember.

Bastard in Portuguese is desgraçada feminine or desgraçado masculine and means wretch apparently. Or can be whoreson.

So son of a whore, son of dreadful, son of etc etc.

Not to be confused with bar steward, a perfectly reasonable occupation. Although as steward is also stuart this could refer to the Stuart kings. And as they were family I suppose they were all technically ‘son of’ or ‘bar’ stewards as well.

I see that there is a flat bastard file, a tool for filing obviously (but not in a cabinet). Although it is possible there are bastards in the Cabinet.

Noticed a man calling a large man a flat bastard. At least I think that’s what was said. Also called the person a tool, so makes sense.

Berk – Someone from Berkshire, obviously. A right Berk is someone who votes Tory. A left Berk is, well, just a Berk I suppose.

Wikipedia says that current estimates of population are 911,403. So that’s an awful lot of Berks. Or is it the other way round? Anyway, I went to public school just west of Reading, and then uni in that town.

So I was once a Berk too, although I was released from school to go home for holidays, and stopped being a Berk for a while.

The Queen has a residence in Windsor Castle, and sometimes stays. So she is occasionally a Berk. As she was born and brought up in London, apparently, she was not born and bred a Berk. Which is good to know.

I believe quite a few royals have homes in Berkshire, so they must occasionally be Berks as well.

There is Berkeley in Gloucestershire. A pretty town; I cycled through once. Residents presumably Berks too. Edward Jenner was born there and returned home to work as a doctor. Known as the originator of vaccination, apparently. A well-known Berk then.

There is, of course, the Berkeley Hunt associated with the town. Rhymes with Bunt and Dunt and other words. Bunt and Dunt both mean to bump or something similar.

So it is possible if you are in the vicinity of Berkeley you may Bunt or Dunt into someone, a Berk from the Hunt.

The more I look, the more I find places or words with Berk as the first part of the word. So I had better research this more thoroughly.

However, I think I must mention that there is a Berkshire Copse in Hampshire (just to confuse you). I can’t see where the Copse is on the maps. I find reference to Berkshire Copse Road where it appears the Air Accident Investigation Branch has its base.

So it sounds like there may be the odd policeman or woman who may be a Berk too. But then Berks do all sorts of jobs.

Bollux – An old word, part boll, part lux. Boll is seed or seedy, lux is light. So seedy light; something seedy is not very good, hence meaning nonsense or rubbish. Boll can mean ‘ball’.

And bollux could also be bullux, bull light. And bull is as explained later. So still rubbish.

Bugger – Somebody who bugs something or someone. Maybe the CIA, or another secret service, installing a listening device in secret.

Or someone who lives by the river Bug, which flows through ‎Poland, Belarus, and the Ukraine.

I have heard people say ‘bugger me’. Personally I don’t think that sounds like a good idea as presumably they don’t want their secrets to be heard. What’s the point of being bugged, or even buggered?

It may mean something else, but I forget. It will come to me I’m sure.

Bull  shit – From following website

“Cow dung was good for fertilization, but not bull dung, it was coarser because of the testosterone levels, so it was considered shit . A farmer would try to hide the bull shit with cow dung, when trying to sell it as fertilizer. The purchaser would say your not bull shitting me are you. Hence we have the word bullshitter, I just told you a bunch of bull shit.”

Thank you, Karthik Rajan.

Codswallop – A useful device for thwacking someone round the head. Used by fishmongers who have ready access to cod. Like Unhygienix in the Asterix the Gaul books. He used it when disagreeing with Fulliautomatix​, the village smith.

Sadly, never seems to improve the sense of anybody being stupid. If only it could, life might be simpler. At least it might relieve one’s frustrations.

So, if you’ve tried cod, you can try asking God for a solution. I find He knows quite a bit (and I have ready access to Him, as we all do).

Crap – or c-rap. So let’s go see rap. Rap means to tap lightly or converse. And rap music does that, tells a story. Quite helpful, although many ‘rappers’ seem to talk about love and sex.

Nothing wrong with that, God invented both. But whilst love is everything, and ultimately all you need, as the Beatles sang, there are more things than sex.

Still, others seem to expand on the range, so that’s good. I’m ok with some rap, but the rhythm can be tedious and can go on a bit. There are other more interesting beats. I look at rap and see rap. Or crap for short.

So, too much rap can be a load of crap.

There was also a Thomas Crapper, of London. According to Wikipedia he developed the ballcock. I beg your pardon! No, no, no. God invented the ballcock (plural in fact, ballscock). And attached them to Adam.

Very useful tools they were too. You and I wouldn’t have been born otherwise. Mind you I am being unfair. Thomas’s version (not as flexible though) went in the toilet or water closet, in the cistern, or water tank.

And so you can now sit on your throne and think of the Arse who once sat on his (see earlier). If you want, you can listen to c-rap, or have a rap. Or the other way round, I’m not sure.

And thank Thomas Crapper or God. Or both.

Cretin – Someone with congenital iodine deficiency syndrome. As a result of insufficient iodine in the soil in the area in which that person lived. Not a pleasant condition. Mainly found in inland areas away from the sea.

If you had this you would be mentally impaired. So I am somewhat confused. A majority of people in the world seem to be affected at the moment by it. This despite much of the world’s population being close to the sea.

Styria in Austria seems to have suffered much in the past, being mountainous. Probably explains today’s issues. Lots of men afflicted. Thus his Styria, conflated as histyria.

Often spelt hystiria or hysteria. An example would be, ‘I am going to die from Covid 19 if you touch me’, that sort of thing. The words in bold on this page may help you describe the phrase, or the person who says it. The choice is yours.

The Urban Dictionary online defines the word thus:

‘A Person that is: brainless, stupid, child-like, and full of pointless information that makes no sense and appeals only to other cretins. They can be found in abundance in every single populated internet forum, where they race to post as many mind-numbing messages as possible in a single session. In addition, they seemingly interbreed with other cretins, ensuring that their cretinous genes continue long after they end up dead meaning the Internet will never be rid of their kind. More’s the pity.’

Enough said.

Cunt – Alternative form of English in certain dialects. From can’t. So you cunt do this, do that etc. Similar to what the government or civil service or newspapers are telling us at the moment.

So, they are all a load of cunts at the moment. Perhaps one day we will get some real news. In the meantime at least newspapers (the ones made of real paper) can be burnt when starting a fire.

Probably more useful than reading them, unless it’s the puzzle section. Which is easier than working out what’s going on with Covid 19 (although I know).

Dick – Short for Richard. The Richard kings of England were tall apparently, except the Third. The evidence is pointing to him being a hunchback as Shakespeare portrayed, and probably less than 5’ as a consequence. So England had a short Dick for a King.

As a king he was head of England, and so he might be Dick the head, or Dickhead for short. Or short Dickhead. Something like that.

Damn – Frequently used to stop something leaking. See goddamit later.

Effing – often associated with blinding. There is Effingham in Surrey, near Leatherhead, and Blindley Heath north of East Grinstead, both in Surrey. The people in Effingham must have said that the Blindley folk were Blinding, which should have been blindingley obvious.

The Blindley folk took offence, and said this was foolish. That the Effingham lot were just a lot of Effing fools. There was a lot of argie-bargie over this. A whole lot of Effing and Blinding went on, and so the phrase entered the English language.

Fart – a place in Uttarakhand, India, which comes up on Google earth. An ancient person in Fart would no doubt be an old Fart.

I would imagine there may be a small hamlet in Germany or Austria called Farting given the propensity for –ing places in those countries, but sadly I cannot find such a place at the moment.

Of course, the German speaking peoples do like to fahrt, that is to journey or drive in English.

And apparently there is an extrafahrt in German, an additional or special excursion. Perhaps an extra special Fahrt. To speed you along, and go like the wind.

I am sure that fahrting is a pleasurable experience, so why not give it a go?

Fool – a fruit dessert, typically puréed stewed fruit folded into custard. Delicious in the summer, my mother made excellent gooseberry and blackberry fools.

Relatively runny, so you had to be careful not to let it drip onto your lap. Stopping or damming the fool from doing this is sensible as otherwise you will get messy. You will hear people sometimes congratulating others on their success in preventing such a catastrophe.

Thus, ‘The damn fool!’. I mentioned fools are relatively runny. And relatives can be often the ones addressed in this manner.

But not to their faces, as the fool tends to get stuck around the mouth and is not all that exciting to look at (unless you are a child, when everything is funny).

Fucking – A small hamlet in Austria, 21 miles (I’m British) north of Salzburg. Wikipedia says that it is a village. It has changed it’s name to Fugging in 2021 for some reason (see next entry).,_Austria

But as far as I can see, it has no street names or facilities. And Wikipedia also says that’s a definition of a hamlet in Germany.

Austria is very German, so I doubt it is any different. So it’s a hamlet, not a village. And there are no facilities in Fucking. I can see there are no Sinzing facilities either, although Ernsting does have a Gasthof, and both those places are nearby. But there are no Fucking facilities.

So as I see it, there’s not much to do or see in Fucking.

Unless you like Fucking of course.


The new name of Fucking as of 2021. This is in Upper Austria. This should not be confused with the other Fugging in Lower Austria. This was once called Fucking but changed its name sometime ago. So there is one Fugging in Lower Austira and one in Upper Austria.

Apparently you still pronounce the name as ‘Fucking’ though. Which seems confusing. So you may get confused as to which Fugging place someone is referring to if the name is mentioned in conversation.

That is rather like the fugg that can occur in a room in England where it is hot and stuffy. The following gives various meanings.

Personally I can’t see any difference between Fugging and Fucking under the circumstances. If it means ‘unpleasant atmosphere’ then Fugging may not be a nice placeto visit. Perhaps that is what the residents hope, just to be left in Fugging peace.

Of course there will still be no facilities in Fugging, Upper Austria. So still not much to do.

Unless you like Fugging of course.

Get stuffed – What a turkey gets at Christmas. A chicken or some other bird can get this at other times of the year (assuming you have a bird). Perhaps at Christmas too, if you can’t afford a turkey or it is too large for your needs.

There are, of course, various sizes of birds to stuff. But difficult to stuff an ostrich, and more to the point, fit it in to most peoples’ ovens.

Phrase used of mattresses as well (see K is for…..Kings – Charles II etc,etc).

– Not heard much nowadays, I suppose. Used by the Dutch when one of their dykes was breached by the sea, and they couldn’t stop it up. Cried out to the Most High for help, so ‘God dam it’.

He will help, but does expect mankind to use common sense. Building below sea level is fine if you know what you are doing, like the Dutch.

In Dutch the word is Godverdomme – literally ‘God damn me’ it seems. Not much point in being dammed by God unless you are having a leak, sorry, I mean have a leak.

But don’t expect Him to bail you out if you spring a leak in a situation of your own making. However, He will come along side and take you on board if you ask him. His boat, or ark, never leaks. He knows how to make things properly.

Gormless – the opposite of gorm. Wiktionary is very helpful on this. Literally ‘heed less’ so not paying attention. Gorm or gormless, that is the question. Which are you?

Halfwit – 50% of a whole wit. Come on, that’s easy!

So 50% of the Whitty (Chris) on S.A.G.E. would be Whi. Which is a good question. Why is he on S.A.G.E? Who knows, perhaps we’ll find out one day.

Hell – Not the place of fire and damnation. Obviously not, who on earth thought it was. It’s from Helen meaning ‘light bearer’, and the Greeks or Hellenes who sought wisdom; wisdom gives light to difficult and dark problems.

Even the Germans know this, but don’t seem to have pointed this out. I wonder why? Put Hell into Google Translate and you get, among other words, bright, light, clear.

There is Hell in Norway. Looks a reasonable spot on Google earth. Not too near the mountains, so not in the shade, but in the light. Very cold in winter, but pleasant in summer. Hardly a ‘lake of fire’ for the Devil and Satan to be thrown into (although there is a lake of fire).

And in the Hebrew, hell is he-el, or ‘the angel’. An angel of light. And heel is something you stand on, a secure footing as it were.

We say hello, meaning (hopefully) we are pleased to see someone, someone who might bring light or joy into our lives today.

So all those phrases about hell being bad are wrong. Who mucked it up, eh?

Still, you can see Hell freeze over if you go there in winter. Or go to Hell and back if you fancy a trip.

There may be fires in Hell, in homes and when they have bonfires. But there are no fires of Hell for damnation (although there is a lake of fire).

Idiot – not as bad as imbecile below, but still foolish. Appears to be related to idea, so someone with their own ideas about something. Such as ideas about what the government is saying you should do during Covid 19.

And relying on the newspapers or other entities telling you, instead of checking the source documents.

So, you’re an ideas man perhaps. Idiot.

I am happy to be called an idiot. But I prefer right idiot. I put myself right with the Most High, and therefore everything else is coming right.

Imbecile – A reasonable thing to say to a man who is being silly. Look, it’s in the word. ‘im be cile, with cile is as in ‘see lee’. So ‘him be silly’. That should be clear enough.

John – a good boy’s name, meaning Yah Is Gracious, Yah Has Been Gracious’ according to . Such boys can be called Johnny, or Johnnie.

Also associated with a toilet, especially in the States, I believe. See Crap earlier.

At school, boys used to ask other boys called John for a rubber (eraser) if they made a mistake in pencil. ‘Have you got a rubber Johnny?’ they would ask. Then laugh (or titter) which could make the teacher annoyed (although he would probably try not to smile, unless he was German – the Germans sense of humour can be limited).

I’m not sure why they laughed (or could it be titted?). Perhaps I have some German in me.

Knob – Thing you turn on a door to open it. Why, what else do you think it means?

Looney – from ‘lune’ which in French means ‘moon’. And looney is someone mad or foolish. Some people go a bit mad at a full moon.

Women get affected by their menstrual cycle which is related to the moon. If not handled with care they can go looney for a bit; hardly surprising when you are losing blood. No doubt their iron levels go down, so boosting this may well help.

But don’t suggest ironing, even in jest, especially if you are a man. They will probably throw it, the iron, at you.

There are apparently a lot of Looneys in south-west Ireland. Seems strange, as I would have thought this a sensible place to be, away from the smoke and stir of the city.

I think the moon must be permanently full at the moment. Men and women affected. I mean, you must be mad to consider wearing masks in this August heat in the South-East as government advice currently stands.

But as I have said elsewhere, it is GUIDANCE, and government does expect people to use common sense.

Moron – Pronounced more –on. Said to mean foolish, or foolish person, coming from Greek moros. Sounds like morose to me, meaning gloomy or sullen. But that’s foolish when the sun is shining and you have all the Most High’s gifts to enjoy.  

And Ron (Weasley) of Harry Potter fame, whilst ultimately brave, could be foolish. And sullen. But Hermione loved him for some reason. So, hope for us all then.

Oxymoron means ‘sharp or wise/foolish’. A good example of an oxymoron is the slogan ‘Protect the NHS; Save lives. Didn’t work with Covid 19, did it?

So foolish it is then.

Nit – egg or louse of a parasitic insect according to Merriam-Webster’s website. Not very nice, causes itching scalps.

Also used of people who, when nearby, make you itch for some reason. Perhaps nits can jump from person to person, although whoever heard of a jumping egg or louse?

Pillock – A security device for your pills to stop children taking them.

Personally, I don’t think you should take them either as most of them are useless, or worse.

Except perhaps supplements, but you should not need them if you eat plenty of good food, and get plenty of good sunshine.

Piss off – When you’re having a pee (if you are a MAN) and you miss the toilet. Which is annoying, as you will now have to clean it up. If you don’t it will smell and people will notice. You pissed off, so you are pissed off, clearly.

In the mountains you can ski off piste if you get desperate. So again you are piste off. Look, if you don’t, people will notice the yellow snow which doesn’t go well with the pristine white. And they will be piste off with you.

You can also take the piss. Not sure where to though. But makes good fertilizer, so perhaps on the compost heap, the field or the tomatoes (on the soil around them, not on the fruits. Honestly!).

There can be piss up. Much the same as piss off as you will likely still miss the toilet bowl. You must piss down to have any reasonable chance of success.

Still, fine if it’s the compost heap or other target. And you can see how far you can reach (45 degrees best). But not at an electric fence, at least if it’s ‘live’.

Then you will no doubt jump back in shock and wet your trousers etc. And you will again have to clean it up. As I said earlier, if you don’t it will smell and people will notice.

Prick – As in The Merchant of Venice ‘If you prick us, do we not bleed?’. Or when the nurse takes a blood sample and says ‘it’s just a little prick’. Don’t know how she knows, experience I suppose. Sometimes the needle causes you to bleed slightly. Thus it may be a bleeding prick.

Which I suppose Shylock was as well, if he was pricked.

Roger – another good boy’s name. Meaning ‘famed spear’ or similar, of Germanic origin apparently.

‘Roger’ is used on radio messages to indicate that the receiving person has understood, or at least received, the message. ‘Roger that’ emphasizes you have received that bit of the message particularly well.

You can have ‘Roger, out’ to indicate you have finished transmitting your part of the message so far. If you can have ‘Roger, out’ there must be a ‘Roger, in’ surely?

I have heard it said, you can’t beat a good ‘Roger, in’. It sounds like you are running a race. For example, you are racing to get back inside the pavilion because it looks like rain.

So if Roger is athletic, then the chances are he will win. And beat you indoors, as it were. Although hopefully he won’t beat you when indoors, as that would be painful.

I gather NATO uses Romeo instead of Roger, as I imagine do other services. Personally, whilst Romeo is a great name for the lead man in Shakespeare’s play, I think it is a bit weak compared to Roger.

Romeo, out, Romeo, in. Doesn’t have the same ring to it somehow.

Perhaps the services should go back to Roger, out, Roger, in. Just a thought.

Shit – Word said by those with a lisp perhapths, or an apical (look it up) like Thawn Connery. The ‘h’ is redundant (as people after lockdown, maybe).

Can be said to a dog. But dogs, friendly as they are, are not that bright and might not understand correctly. In that case you had better have a small black plastic bag ready.

And of course kings and queens do this on the throne (see Arse earlier).

Tits Up – when the birds, such as Great Tits, hang upside down to get at nuts hung up by households.

Not sure if there is a tits down expression, but they say what goes up, must come down, so it seems reasonable.

Twat – Short for ‘Tha what!’ as exclaimed by a northerner in Britain. When he hears someone, say a southerner, say something stupid.

Twit – Similar to above. Short for twitter. What birds do of all varieties. Perhaps you have a bird that does this? Lots of twits, or more properly tweets, on Twitter. Or is that the other way round?

Udder – sounds like ‘other’, as in ‘pull the udder one’, used by milkmaids in the past, for example. Once you have finished with one teat, you go onto the next, and so on.

And there was Ching Chong Chinaman who milked a cow. He pulled at the wrong teat, it is alleged. You can check the internet or your memory to see what happened.

Wank – A mountain in Bavaria, Germany. If you walk up the Wank, are you a Wanker? Perhaps, if you think that it is better to take the cable car, or Wankbahn. Personally, I would have liked the walk up, and let those in the cable car be Wankers.

Interestingly, W in German is pronounced as V to the British. So the mountain is pronounced Vank. And b and v are interchangeable in several languages.

So vank could be bank. Vanker could be banker. Therefore, bankers and Wankers are related. And bankers are often portrayed as rather fat or even obese.

Hardly surprising, as if you have a sit down job inside like banking, likely as not you won’t get the exercise you need. Or indeed the vitamin D to process your body fat.

It is a reasonable conclusion that any banker wanting to go up the Wank is more likely to choose the cable car than walk. And miss the benefit of the walk and the sunshine (if you have a sunny day, which as far as I can tell, from the records online, is quite likely).

Now I have nothing against cable cars. But, in my opinion, bankers should be labelled the Wankers  if they use them. For they are missing out on the good gifts of the Most High. The sunshine and fresh air, the exercise, the changing view that you can stand and stare at.

And as those who die by, with or from Covid 19 are typically obese, with diabetes etc, I think the point is well made.

Don’t you?

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