Lost Property

Caretaker: Baldmichael Theresoluteprotector’sson

22nd December 2020

As happens occasionally in establishments, people leave things behind. You know, umbrellas, handkerchiefs, keys, breast implants, that sort of thing.

Hang on, breast implants?? Losing those must have left the owner feeling a bit flat. See https://www.stuckonyou.com.au/blog/weirdest-lost-property/

I suppose that’s what happens when life goes ‘tits up’, and you put them down and forget about them for a while.

I have visions of someone, hopefully a woman, searching her handbag looking for them saying ‘I’m sure they were here last time I looked.’

Or feeling her chest and saying ‘Oh no! Who’s pinched them!’.

Makes a change from bottom pinching. Though some ladies seem to take great exception and overdo the retaliation thing. See

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-8150763/Teacher-beat-grandfather-accused-pinching-bottom-banned-classroom-life.html

She should have turned the other cheek, which is what Jesus actually meant, believe it or not. Yes, really, I have checked the original Greek and its true.

Anyway, here is a list of items ready to be retrieved. If you think they are yours please come and collect them. We make no charge for holding them or indeed for returning them, unlike airports who will take items they consider dangerous to have on board planes, such as biscuits, bottled water and brains.

I mention the latter as it seems airports have not considered what is truly likely to be dangerous, and therefore are in need of them themselves, sorry, itselves.

We have plenty of space, and rooms seem to add themselves as required.

Marbles – we have a large, nay, enormous collection of marbles. Enough it seems for the whole world. There are many who have not lost them, but are having difficulty exchanging them with others who have lost all theirs. Perhaps you are one of those, they may be here.

Brains – These are rather unusual. I am not sure what people are doing without them. It has been said by some that people have shit for brains. That might explain it.

It also explains the issue with Lerts or Lurts (turds). The government have advised us to Stay alert. So by having lerts, or lurts for brains, one is having shit for brains. If you have a better idea let me know.

Hearing aids – These used to be called ‘ears’, and tend to come in pairs. Not many people using them to listen to what the sensible are saying. So it makes sense that they are underused, and are presumably dropping off as a consequence.

Jesus talks about ‘If anyone has ears to hear, let him hear.’ Hearing is rather important then, so ‘Don’t delay, ask today!’.

Common sense – Related to Brains. May have been lost on various commons. Wimbledon and Clapham Commons spring to mind.

House of Commons also springs to mind (should have been my first thought) . Some commons sense in view from Priti Patel (who is also pretty in my books).

But sadly lacking from the SNP and Labour who seem to be making hard work of things (which is why Labour is called Labour of course).

I think many Conservatives have also lost the plot, but just not as badly as the others.

A pair of loud speakers – Michael Martin and John Bercow. The first is dead, and will only return at the resurrection of the dead, of course.

I’m not sure whether anyone will want them back though, at least not in the House of Commons.

Damien Hurst may be interested in John Bercow as cut Bercow in half and you will get ‘Ber’ and ‘Cow’. The second half could be added to the earlier half in formaldehyde. Just a thought.

Bercow may just be a ‘Berc’ of course. Ow!

A couple of fish

We have here A Salmon (there is another last letter but this is illegible), and AN Sturgeon (it is possible the AN is written A N with a space, but I cannot be sure).

I believe they may belong to someone in Scotland according to some writing on the flanks of these fish.

They seem to be going off, so not sure anyone will want them back. We shall have to chuck them out shortly, we don’t want the rest of the Lost Property stinking to high heaven.

A pair of tits

Recently arrived, 7th April 2021. It appears they are a rare breed of Royal Tits, although some people say this is not the case as they are not doing what such birds normally do.

They have been tagged, and I can just make out the identities. One seems to be Me Gan, the other Ha Ri.

Me Gan looks like the bigger tit of the two. Definitely a female, some are saying she’s a Black Tit, but she looks too pale to me.

Ha Ri is rather gingerish and has a beard, so he must be a bearded tit.

Me Gan is the dominant one. Makes sense. However, she does a lot of tweeting and twitting, and not much of that does. To be honest, they are getting on our nerves, and we would like their rightful owners to come and reclaim them as soon as possible before we are driven mad.

Joe Biden

He has flown in from America and is apparently completely lost. He came in his clothes but nothing else. It seems this includes his brain. That is, he has left his brain in America.

There are rumours around, however, that this never existed, but this seems unlikely as the vast majority of people are born with one. He could be an exception of course.

We are trying to make his as comfortable as we can as he is elderly and confused. If it wasn’t for the fact we recognised his face, we would have been stuck as when asked what his name is he says ‘Jo Bin Ed’ or something like that.

Sounds Arabic but he is obviously Caucasian. He had a mask dangling from one ear when he came to us and mentioned some thing about being president of vice. He also seems to mumble about a Kuala Harrass being in charge, but what of it is not clear.

If any any of his relatives recognise the name, him please do come and collect him soon as otherwise we shall have to find a care home for him which seems the best place.

In the meantime we let him roam freely as he seems harmless enough here. He has been seen in these locations if this helps to identify him.

Joe Biden Lies

Various Twits or Tweets (including Joe Biden)

Joe Biden – the first 13 days

Joe Biden

From the Public Eye

Kamala Harris and the Triumvirate a.k.a the ‘Three Angry Females?’

S is for….States of the U.S.A.

As I was going to St Ives

He may be cropping up elsewhere so do keep and eye out. Putting Joe Biden into the search box at the top right of the page will find out the current locations of course.

There you are for now. Items will be added as necessary. If you need further assistance try the following links

https://www.met.police.uk/ro/report/lp/lost-or-found-property/

https://tfl.gov.uk/help-and-contact/lost-property#on-this-page-0

Please note that TFL have a reduced service and are apparently dealing with matters on a ‘case-by-case basis.’ I do not know what you will do if you have not lost a case, such as a suitcase, but worth asking I suppose.

What they did before the introduction of a reduced service is mere conjecture. Perhaps a ‘What is it you have lost, sir/madam?’ basis. You could try asking TFL if you are that interested.