P is for…..Planets.

By Baldmichael Theresoluteprotector’sson

21st December 2020

The planets of the solar system, the system that the Earth lies in. We know a fair bit but have only really scratched the surface as it were. Which might explain the marks on Mars.

I have done some research. You might find it entertaining, so I have put it down as a dessert. I have looked at the mythology as well as astronomy. You might find that there are some truths hidden away and that, as they say, truth is stranger than fiction.

Or that my fiction is nearer the truth than the facts.


Smallest of planets. Male. Very hot one side, very cold the other. ‘Sea of cures’, takes your temperature to see if you are too hot or too cold, which sends a message to our brains that we need to do something about it.Can mean ‘Me RC (Roman Catholic), U R Y? However, I am not Catholic. Why are you Catholic if you are? A good question. Perhaps you can tell me why, as Jesus didn’t ask you to be so.


Brightest of all. Female. Goddess of sexual intercourse. V and B interchangeable, so Benus, thus ‘Be lady of us’ (you will find ‘n’ means ‘lady’ in girl’s names I will explain elsewhere).

Cloaked/ obscured by clouds. Atmosphere very poisonous, extremely hot and sulphurous like old farts only far, far worse. Will put you under extreme pressure. Sounds familiar doesn’t it?

Like females she says ‘Ven’ as in venir, French, to come, ‘us’ as in ‘us’. Come to us. Male ejaculation of sperm is ‘coming’. All makes sense.

‘Ven’ can also be as in venom or poison. Definitely makes sense.

‘ven’ as in venerable which some clergy use. Very definitely makes sense.

‘Ven’ as in venereal disease. Need I say more?

Ultimately a prostitute. Should be avoided at all costs.


Best of all, most beautiful, and habitable by humans. Female. ‘Ere th, or theta in Greek. So ‘ere the ta or ‘here the thanks’, thank you for such a beautiful world. θ is symbol in Greek, top half sky or heaven, bottom half earth/land or sea.               

A blue green jewel of the heavens. Getting rather brown of late unfortunately with, amongst other things, sandy beaches expanding more than required. More TLC (tender loving care) required.


The red planet, like blood. Male. Warlike, blood shedding. Mars or spoils, same meaning. Could be ‘Ma r’s’ as in ‘my arse’. Arses are useful to sit on or ‘shit’ on as the Hebrew might sound. But not good to do this to people as in war. Shitty thing war.

As God of war and wars, so God of whore and whores. Same problem, both cause damage to peoples.

Best thing about Mars is the bars where you can have a drink, or eat a chocolate covered confection.


Not really a planet, just a collection of rocks. A rock garden perhaps. Rather like haemorrhoids which are found round arses. Bloody rocks which could be a nuisance and a pain in the bum, to put it mildly, if they should fall to Earth.

Why they are not found round Uranus (see later) is unclear.

However, I have just checked. Just as well. It appears there are a few – see https://www.universetoday.com/103002/uranus-is-being-chased-by-asteroids/


Largest of planets. Male. Very bright. A big gas giant, with a big red spot on its lower hemisphere. Like a teenager with acne on his chin. The big Red One, like the 1st infantry division in the U.S. A. 

Multi-coloured stripes, bit like a jersey knitted by his mother. Makes him look fatter than he is.

Sounds rather like ‘You Peter’ or ‘stone’ as Peter means. This is confusing if it is gaseous.

However, it seems my knowledge is out of date. See https://www.space.com/6164-jupiter-core-big-thought.html so not so stupid after all.

So rock at its core, a teenager who likes rock to roll with, like the Rolling Stones – see https://t.guardian.ng/features/jupiter-was-a-rolling-stone-part-2/

But a very bright one, so a geek then. My type of guy, a sensible chap.


Second largest after Jupiter. Male. Sat Urn, an urn to sit on (or shit upon as it can sound in Hebrew).  A chamber pot, a potty. Associated with Satan, once Lucifer. Definitely potty then, as Satan went completely mad or potty. Loopy Lucy as I now call him.

It is possible to run rings round Satan. This is why Saturn has rings where you can fight/box  and win against Satan – you can always win against the truly mad.

Anagrams of some letters include rants, runt and ruts. . Satan all over. Enough said (for the time being).


Seventh from the sun. A beautiful blue/cyan like my eyes (eh hem). Rules Aquarius, my constellation, yeh! Male (like me). Sounds  like ‘Your anus’, so a bum perhaps (me? Oh dear!).

Does have a few asteroids. Oddly, so do I sometimes (well, haemorrhoids actually). As last planet technically visible to the naked eye, it is at the bottom of the list.

But looking at Uranus is not that exciting. I can’t without a mirror anyway, and who wants to look at Uranus all the time, let alone mine; I don’t.

Reflecting telescope needed for best viewing of the planet (telescope contains mirrors so this makes sense).

Apparently radiates very little excess heat, so a cool kid (like me!), so has redeemed itself in my eyes (which are blue as I have said already, a cool colour).

Uranus could be ‘U ran us’. Perhaps once in charge of the Earth, like the heavenly Father. But not at the moment. Perhaps again in the not too far distant future (the heavenly Father, not Uranus).


Densest giant planet. An ice giant. Bluesy grey in colour it seems, like the sea. Nep is pen in reverse so maybe blue/grey ink, something to write with. Fluid like the sea. Interesting.

Nep is like neap tides. Tune could be the song of the sea. And a pen can write about it. God’s pen, to write down history or His story perhaps.

It appears you can see a great dark spot in its northern hemisphere, almost identical to one seen in the past. This should not surprise you.

Ink blots, obviously.

If they come and go, this is because God has a tidy mind, and likes to clean up the text, as far as possible. Make sure things are legible.


Was considered planet, but now dwarf planet. It seems obvious to me, but it is a dog. You should have known that, and dogs follow on behind or your behind or Uranus.

Behind like behund (my new word), Germanglish for ‘be dog’. There is a Norwegian Buhund, a breed of dog, so all very reasonable.

Has a different orbit to the others. Just like a dog, tends to do its own thing, always around its owner (if well disciplined) but investigating interesting smells and people (people smell interesting of course to a dog).

Well, that sums it up for now. So how about some music. Hmm, let me think?

I know Gustav Holst’s ‘The Planets’. Gustav should mean ‘God’s Staff’, rather than ‘guest glory’ as Wiktionary suggests. I mean he is on God’s staff as far as I am concerned, as his work on ‘The Planets’ is wonderful. Here’s a link.

P.S Please note that Jupiter is the biggest and brightest in the photo. Should be obvious. The photo above refers to the great conjunction which took place last year. I wrote about this in following link. George Soros (and the Great Conjunction)

Here is a link to some photos of the planets for those that are interested.

But not necessarily the ones you might expect.

Planet Photos

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