By Baldmichael Theresoluteprotector’sson
15th September 2020
Or ‘Now we are six’. The latter is a wonderful children’s book by AA Milne. And no, he did not start the Automobile Association or Alcoholics Anonymous.
He wrote about Winnie the Pooh, and Piglet and Eeyore. And Christopher Robin. They live in the High Forest, the Land of Ashdown, at the other end of the land of the South Saxons. I must write about them sometime.
The former ‘Rule of Six’ is the latest offering from our beloved government. As usual I go to the sauce (sic) of the problem, the government GUIDANCE.
I see from the new GUIDANCE is that there should be no more than six at home. I should think that’s making a lot of people sicks (sic). As I have indicated elsewhere, this can have its uses when you wish to exclude that annoying old uncle. Or mother-in law.
Of course, if you already have six at home and someone else turns up you will be at sixes and sevens as to what to do. So do you
- Panic and, using your 2 meter or six foot sixish pole, drive the offending person from your home.
- Say, ok, you can stay just outside the boundary, and we will pass food, cups of teas, beer, wind – no, hang on, we have to remember the support bubbles and the problems therein (see G is for….Guidance).
- Or just remember that it is just GUIDANCE, and a load of old cobblers. And wave 2 fingers at nosy neighbours, to indicate that there is room for 2 more.
It is possible the neighbours will take offence, but then that could let the dogs out between your properties. Without a fence ‘tho, this will make for ease of access. Should the police come round to investigate you can then escape next door.
And if everyone is very friendly in your road or village, you should be able to run round the houses with the coppers in pursuit.
Plan it well, and your neighbours can interrupt the police by a nicely timed raising of the washing line, or ‘excuse me officer, would you like a cup of tea?’ or a cry of ‘Rape, rape!’. You will then find out what the boobies bobbies priorities are.
The chances of the fuzz catching you will depend on how much time they spend in their the publicly owned SPV or Special Pursuit Vehicle. They may be a little out of trim, and, if you have been making the most of lockdown and keeping fit, you should be able to outstrip them.
Then you could lap them by going round a second time. Unless they call for back up.
What to do then? Apologise and say that you were trying to get away from the virus, and that there’s a rumour going round that if you run fast enough you will never get it.
Or that the police weren’t wearing masks or gloves and you were afraid of them touching you. Or just download a copy of the Certificate of Madness under M is for….Masks and say you have lost the plot.
When they read it, you then point out that the certificate says ‘the holder’, which means that the policeperson, man or woman, is now mad. All being well they may laugh, and you can invite them in or out for a cup of tea or coffee etc.
Offering tea is good as ‘t’ added to six makes stix, or styx, as ‘y’ can be substituted for ‘i’. Apart from being a river to the underworld, it is apparently also a marsh, or bog. So if someone is being a pain, you can always ask them to styx off.
Especially if you live in the countryside, or as it can be called, ‘The sticks’.
Someone has pointed out ‘What if you have more than six in your family’. Not an uncommon occurrence.
Simple. You rotate them round your neighbours. But do be kind and let your neighbours have first pick. If they, the neighbours, are lonely you may well be doing them a service. Indeed, you may be doing all parties a service.
Because your excess children or grandparents, if I might describe them thus, may all be glad for some respite from your nagging, if nag you do.
Alternatively, revert to item 3 on the earlier list.
Should issues arise with the police over your reasonable attempts at sanity, well, you could always call on the services of Baldmichael the Brave. He will come as a shight (sic) in knining armour, or knight in shining armour, to rescue you. Verbally at least. But I cannot leave my Cloud, sadly.
If you need personal representation, then I have a representative who will gladly help if he can. Just ask and we will see what we can do.
In the meantime, I hope you do not fall foul of the Rule of Six, or sicks (sic). Whether you are in the town.
Or the styx (sic).
P.S. Further guidance can be found here. Rule of Six Government Guidance