Battle of Antietam or Battle of Sharpsburg: 17th September, 1862

By Baldmichael Theresoluteprotector’sson

17th September, 2022

Minor amendment 18th September, 2022 for error in photo of Dunker church.

I thought I ought to cover this American Civil War battle (ACW) due to its significance and bearing in mind the upcoming midterm elections in the USA. As I have said, the USA follows a timeline similar to the ACW, only 160 years ago making it 1862.

It might prove relevant to what is going on in the US right now. There is often more truth from the past relevant to the present than meets the eye. After all, history repeats itself; nobody listens (except a few).

This is what the online Encyclopaedia Britannia says.

Battle of Antietam, also called Battle of Sharpsburg, (September 17, 1862), in the American Civil War (1861–65), a decisive engagement that halted the Confederate invasion of Maryland, an advance that was regarded as one of the greatest Confederate threats to Washington, D.C. The Union name for the battle is derived from Antietam Creek, which flows south from Gettysburg, Pennsylvania, to the Potomac River near Harpers Ferry, West Virginia. In the South the encounter was referred to as the Battle of Sharpsburg because the main fighting took place near the town of that name. (Civil War battles often had one name in the North, which was usually associated with a prominent nearby physical feature, and another in the South, which was usually derived from the town or city closest to the battlefield.)

From

https://www.britannica.com/event/Battle-of-Antietam

I intend to use the article as a basis for my usual quirky take on battles. I may well use the Wikipedia article too, but it does have a lot of detail and I would like to keep my post reasonably concise.

As I say at the start of these types of posts, please note I do not intend any disrespect to those who died or fought, merely to show the absurdity of war, how mad things can be, even if it is only how one can use language. After all, it is propaganda and morale that count most to win battles and wars, especially wars of words.

Here the Wikipedia link

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Battle_of_Antietam

And here’s a link which sets out the relative significance of each battle in the ACW.

https://www.battlefields.org/learn/civil-war/battles/antietam

Text in italics from Britannia link unless otherwise stated. If you want to try and understand what on earth I am talking about you can read it first. Images from Wikipedia.

Background

The battle of Antietam, or aunty Tam as it was more commonly known was fought in Maryland where the cookies come from. There was also an uncle Tam too. He was written about by Harry-ate Beecher Stove I believe. The book was, I think, Uncle Tam’s Cabinet.

For more information on two Tams see Post Script (P.S.).

Lee’s invasion of Maryland

Following the defeat of Union Gen. John Pope’s Army of Virginia at the Second Battle of Bull Run, Confederate Gen. Robert E. Lee crossed the Potomac and moved into Maryland, occupying Frederick on September 7. Lee’s invasion was carried out partly to “shift the burden of military occupation from Confederate to Federal soil,” but he also held some hope of capturing the Federal capital of Washington to the southeast. Beyond the immediate military objectives, Lee had concrete political goals: to influence the approaching Congressional elections in the North, to impress Europe with a sense of Southern military power, and to detach Maryland—a slave state that had rejected secession—from the Union.

Following the de-feeting of the Onion Pope’s army of virgins at the Second Battle of the Bull with the Runs, Confecterate general Roberty Lee crossed the potty mac and moved into Maryland. This was not potty but a sensible move to him as he fancied some cookies from Maryland and fancied a change from the Onions stores he had at the earlier battle. See Battle of the Second Bull Run post, link at end.

He occupied Frederick on September 7th, but what with we are not told, and we don’t know Frederick’s sirname.

The invasion was, I understand, carried out partly to “shift the burden of military occupation from Confederate to Federal soil,” as well as the hope that his farces would capture the Feral capital of Washing Tun.

Somewhat like the Democrats today trying to pin the blame for everything on Donald Trump and MAGA supporters.

Lee did have concrete political goals. This was fine as long as you kicked your balls between the posts, but whilst wooden goals would still give you a very nasty headache if you hit your head against them, concrete ones are even more painful.

Anyway, as you can see from the Britannia text, these goals included “to influence the approaching Congressional elections in the North, to impress Europe with a sense of Southern military power.”

Now it should not be rocket science to make the link with the upcoming midterms in November in the USA. As to impressing Europe, well from my perspective on current form, the Democrats are scoring some impressive own goals. Including that awful Joe Biden speech on the 1st September.

Finding his line of communications up the Shenandoah Valley threatened by a strong Union garrison at Harpers Ferry, on September 9 Lee issued Special Order 191, in which he detailed the division and disposition of forces for the campaign ahead. Gen. Thomas (“Stonewall”) Jackson would lead one of three columns that were tasked with the capture of Harpers Ferry, while the remainder of Lee’s forces would advance to Boonsboro, Maryland, behind South Mountain, a ridge that ran parallel to Antietam Creek. Once the Union force at Harpers Ferry had been neutralized, Lee proposed to reunite his army and invade Pennsylvania.

Finding his line of communist nations up the She ‘Nan’ Doer Valet threatened by a strong Onion Gary’s son at Herpes Fairy, on September 9th Lee issued a Special Hors d’oeuvre where he detailed the disposition of farces for the camp pain (known as LGBTQ+) ahead when he expected a lot of paign and suffering.

Tom-arse ‘Stonewall’ Jacks’ son (Stonewall being part of the camp pain or LGBTQ+) would lead one of three columns to capture the Herpes Fairy (who was possibly LGBTQ+), whilst the remainder would advance to Boonsborrow where he could borrow a boon which would be a good thing of course. This lay behind a mountain and parallel to Aunty Tam’s Greek, who was a friend of hers.

Once the Onion farce at Herpes Fairy had neutral eyes, Lee would re-unit his army and invade Pencil-Van-Hire.

Within days of the Union disaster at Second Bull Run, U.S. Pres. Abraham Lincoln sacked Pope and placed Gen. George B. McClellan in command of all Union forces in Washington. McClellan took the field on September 7, and, not knowing what Lee’s next move might be, he advanced with characteristic slowness. During this time Lee again divided his army, and on September 11 he and Lieut. Gen. James Longstreet occupied Hagerstown, Maryland, a city just 5 miles (8 km) south of the Mason-Dixon Line. The stubborn Federal garrison at Harpers Ferry bought McClellan additional time, however, delaying the bulk of the Army of Northern Virginia for several days longer than had been budgeted in Lee’s timetable. Already sensing that his invasion plan had gone awry, Lee began to withdraw to the south. Confederate scouts had observed massive columns of Federal infantry on the move, and Lee ordered Maj. Gen. D.H. Hill to guard the passes at South Mountain. If McClellan could drive through these passes before Lee could reunite his army, the Army of Northern Virginia could be destroyed in detail. On September 13 Federal troops moved into Frederick, and members of the 27th Indiana infantry regiment recovered a copy of Lee’s Special Order 191 wrapped around a bundle of cigars. Although the “Lost Orders” were four days old, McClellan felt emboldened enough to remark, “Here is a paper with which, if I cannot whip Bobby Lee, I will be willing to go home.”

Within days of the Onion disaster at Second Bull Run when the Onion lost all its onions (how could they make soup for example, nothing souper about that), the A-bra-ham Lyn-Con gave the Pope the sack. This was, as referred to elsewhere, because he wasn’t infalla-bull after all.

He placed Gorge Bee ‘Mac’ Clellan in command of all the Onion farces in Washing-tun. ‘Mac’ Clellan took the field in September 7th, and not knowing what Roberty Lee’s next move might be, he advanced with a char asterix sloe ness.

What he expected I don’t know, but if you will take the field, especially if it is ploughed, this will slow you right down as fields weigh a lot believe me.

Here’s a picture of him. He has his hand in his jacket as Napoleon is sometimes portrayed. The Pope’s picture in the Battle of the Second Bull Run was the same. Mmm…

During this time, Lee again divided his army, and on the 11th September, or 9/11 as it became known, he and the Long Street occupied a Hag in a Town. Witch doesn’t seem like a good thing to me.

The town lay 5 Miles south of Ma’s son and Dick’s son’s line, two sons who walked the line according to John E. Cash before he went card only.

However, the stubborn Feral Gary’s son defence of Herpes Fairy had bought more thyme for the Onions , delaying the bulk of the Army of the Northern Virgins for several days longer than Bud-get Ted in Lee’s time’s table.

Sensing that his planes had gone a rye, Lee took his draws to the South. Confecterate scuts had observed mass sieve col-hums of Feral infant trees on the move. What they were humming we don’t know, but hazarding a guess probably ‘John Brown’s body’.

An updated version is available with lyrics.

Lee hors d’oeuvred D.H. Hill to gourd the passes at South Mountain. I am not sure that using a hill to protect the passes is necessary as they are already in the mountain.

Perhaps these were the equivalent of vaccine passes, pointless when you can go round the back. Or indeed make a South Mountain out of De (Mole) Hill.

Anyway, apparently if ‘Mac’ Clellan could drive through these passes before Lee could re you-knight his army, the Army of Northern Virgins would be Des Troyed in detail.

In September, 13 Feral tropes moved into Frederick who gave members of the Indy Anna Reg E Ment of Lee’s special order 191 at the local burger bar which was wrapped round a bundle of cigars.

In the UK we used to use old newspapers, but in the US they do things different. Though why cigars, not the burger and fries, beats me.

The last orders were 4 days old, so maybe it was just as well it wasn’t burger and fries as they would be rather suspect.

I gather ‘Mac’ Clellan was emboldened to remark “Here is a paper witch and if I cannot whip Bobby Lee, I will be willing to go to Homer”. This is understood to mean that if he didn’t have the intelligence and wisdom to beat Lee, he would be as dumb as Homer Simpson. Or if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em (the terminally dim that is).

On September 14 McClellan’s army struck the passes at South Mountain. The Battle of South Mountain was a convincing Union victory, but the Confederate defenders managed to delay the Union advance long enough for Lee to begin the consolidation of his scattered forces. On the morning of September 15, the 12,000 beleaguered defenders of Harpers Ferry finally capitulated. At the cost of fewer than 300 Confederate casualties, Jackson had won one of the great unheralded victories of the American Civil War. Leaving Maj. Gen. A.P. Hill to complete the surrender arrangements, Jackson, with two divisions, hastened back to the new Confederate defensive line at Antietam Creek. McClellan’s forces streamed through the South Mountain passes to find Lee’s army, which numbered perhaps 11,000 men on the afternoon of September 15, occupying the heights north of Sharpsburg. McClellan had estimated that total Confederate strength in the area amounted to “not less than 120,000 men”—an estimate that more than doubled Lee’s actual strength—and he spent September 16 engaging in reconnaissance of the Confederate positions. Jackson, by way of an overnight forced march, reached Sharpsburg on the afternoon of September 16, effectively doubling Lee’s strength. Late in the day, elements of Union Maj. Gen. Joseph Hooker’s I Corps crossed the upper Antietam on the Confederate left. There a brief but sharp skirmish erupted with Jackson’s men, but night soon put an end to the contest.

On September 14th, ‘Mac’ Clellan’s army struck the passes which was a convincing Onion victory. So hope yet for the final removal of the silly idea of vaccine passes or passports then.

However, the Confecterate defenders managed to delay the Onion advance long enough for Lee to begin the con-soiled-ation of his scattered farces who had gotten rather grimy on the road.

On the morning of September 15th, the 12,000 bee-laagered defenders of Herpes fairy final cap-it-you-late Ted, as Ted was too late to save them and they had to remove their caps. These were nightcaps as they had just woken up in the morning of course.

At the cost of only 300 Confecterate casual ties (neck scarfs), Jack’s son had one won of the grate un-her-Aldi’d Vic-Tories of the A-merry-Can Seville Whore.

Leaving Ape Hill to arrange the Sir Render arraignments (the Hill said in effect the Mountain is yours, you can keep it), Jack’s son, with 2 Di Visions has-ten-Ed back to the new Confecterate de-fence line at Aunty Tam’s Greek. Here he built his stone wall as he usually did on de-fence (a stone wall is stronger than a fence obviously).

‘Mac’ Clellan farces streamed through the passes using online streaming services to find Lee’s army, which numbed perhaps 11,000 men on the afternoon of the 15th September, och-you-pie-ing the heights north of Sharp’s burger.

‘Mac’ Clellan had estimated that total Confecterate strength in the area amounted to “not less than 120,000 men”, an estimate that more than dub-balled Lee’s actual strength.

This proving what a silly burger (sic) he was.

He spent the 16th September N-gauging in recon-nay-sense of the Confecterate positions. I say ‘nay sense’ as the Wikipedia article states Although an immediate Union attack on the morning of September 16 would have had an overwhelming advantage in numbers,…

So as I say, what a silly burger (sic).

Jack’s son by way of an over knight farced morch (or vice versa), reached the Sharp’s burger on the afternoon of the 16th, effectively Dublin Lee’s strength.

Late in the day, elephants of the Onion Hooker Eye Corpse (these entered the prospective battlefield by the trunk road of course) crossed the Up-her Aunty Tam on the Confecterate left.

There was a brief but sharp s-cur-mesh or dog fight over Aunty Tam’s briefs which were drying in the afternoon son, but a knight soon put an end to the contest. After all, trying to take your aunt’s briefs is a very un-gentlemanly thing to do.

Who the gallant knight was we don’t know. It has been suggested it was Sir Cwm Stancis. Sir Cwm Stancis always gets in the way of things.

As this site indicates.

https://www.wisesayings.com/circumstances-quotes/

Examples include

‘You can blame circumstances, but backsliding always begins in the heart.’

Aiden Wilson Tozer

‘Circumstances are beyond human control, but our conduct is in our own power.’

Benjamin Disraeli

‘Circumstances in the world of politics contribute substantially to whether or not you can be successful.’

Willie Brown

The Civil War’s bloodiest day

On September 17, 1862, the Army of Northern Virginia occupied a position which, in relation to the surrounding country, could be compared to the string of a bow in the act of being drawn. Lee’s left wing, commanded by Jackson, formed the upper half of the string and his right, commanded by Longstreet, the lower. The Potomac, at his rear, was the bow itself. The town of Sharpsburg represented the fingers of the archer drawing the bow. The right wing of the position was covered by the Antietam as it approached the Potomac, and the upper course of that stream formed no part of the battlefield. A.P. Hill’s division had remained at Harpers Ferry, but on the morning of the 17th Hill received orders to rejoin Lee with all haste. The Union II Corps (under Maj. Gen. Edwin Sumner) and XII Corps (under Maj. Gen. Joseph Mansfield) followed Hooker across the upper stream while McClellan’s left wing (Maj. Gen. Ambrose Burnside’s IX corps) drew up opposite Lee’s extreme right. McClellan, fearing a counterattack from a phantom Confederate juggernaut, intended to hold back his centre while pressuring Lee’s flanks. In practice, McClellan’s piecemeal commitment of forces negated his own overwhelming numerical superiority.

By Map by Hal Jespersen, http://www.posix.com/CW, CC BY 3.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=1952347

On September 17th, the Army of Northern Virgins occupied a Position Witch, in relation to Sir Round Inck Untree, could be compered to the string of a beau in the act of being drawn. That beau is Sir Round Inck Untree having his portrait done.

Sir Round Inck Untree often casts a spell on you which is due to the Position Witch referred to earlier.

To return to the story, Lee’s left wing, commanded by ‘Stonewall’ Jack’s son (Stonewall is essentially left wing of course) formed the upper half of the string. His right, not just to bear arms, was commanded by the Long Street forming the lower.

The Potty Mac at his rear, was the beau itself.

Or put another way, the string was a ‘G’ string round his rear, and it you are going to have a potty or chamber pot, best place it at the rear or bottom. If you do not understand this by now then you are clearly not potty trained.

The town of Sharp’s burger. represented the fingers of the Archer drawing the beau. So now we know the artist’s name, Mr Archer. This is believed to be a distant relative of Phil Archer as can be heard about in the Archers on Radio 4.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/profiles/4rM4c9FlBBJJMRmZxHdpsR0/jill-archer

The right wing of the position was covered by Aunty Tam as she approached the Potty Mac.

A Phil’s Di Vision had remained at Herpes Fairy, but on the morning of the 17th Phil received hors d’oeuvres to re-join Lee with all paste (Lee’s army was falling off and needed sticking on).

The Onion eye-eye Corpse (under Ed win Summer) and eggs-eye-eye Corpse (under Joe’s ‘F’ Mans Field) followed the Hooker across the upper stream while ‘Mac’ Clellan’s left wing (Ambrosia Sideburn’s eye-eggs corpse) drew up opposite Lee’s extreme right (the Nazi or fascist wing).

Editor’s note: if you want to know how to draw ‘Up’, then look up and then draw it. If you want to know how to look up, then try Google or another search engine.

‘Mac’ Clellan, fearing a counterattack from a fan-Tom Confecterate juggernought, i.e. a jogger who doesn’t exist, intended to hold back his centaur while pressuring Lee’s banks. In practice, ‘Mac’ Clellan peas-meal commitment of farces negated his own overwhelming Americal superiority.

In other words, if you are going to present a farce, make sure you have lots of them all at once, the enemy will not know where to start.

Such as at the beginning of 2020 with the lockdowns which happened all at once over the world in a coordinated attack on the human race.

Which, if you think about it, is a jogger-nought in a way. Keep up now!

Battle for the Cornfield and Bloody Lane

The battle began at dawn with a furious assault on the extreme Confederate left by Hooker’s corps. After a brutal struggle over what came to be known as the Cornfield, Hooker was repulsed with the loss of a quarter of his men. Hooker himself was shot in the foot and was carried from the field. Command of his corps passed to Brig. Gen. George Meade. Jackson’s divisions suffered even more severely, losing nearly all their generals and colonels. It was only the arrival of Brig. Gen. John B. Hood and D.H. Hill which enabled Jackson’s corps to hold its ground near the Dunker Church. Had other Federal corps been at hand to support Hooker’s attack, the outcome of the battle might have been very different. Maj. Gen. Joseph Mansfield’s XII Corps next attacked farther to the left and with better fortune. Mansfield, however, was mortally wounded, and his command passed to Brig. Gen. Alpheus Williams, who led the corps well; after heavy fighting, Hood and D.H. Hill were driven back. Again, want of support checked the Federals, and the fight became stationary, with both sides losing many thousands of men.

By Map by Hal Jespersen, http://www.posix.com/CW, CC BY 3.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=1952349

The battle began at Dawn, the local red head, with a fur-I-us as salt on the extreme Confecterate left (also known as Antifa) by the Hooker Corpse.

There was a brutal struggle over what came to be known as the Cornfield, i.e. where lots of puns or corny jokes were made. These include the man whose legs were blown off who said ‘I took up arms but now I’ve lost my legs!’

Or the officer who exclaimed ‘When they gave me my uniform and said you will be able to go to lots of balls, I didn’t know they meant cannon balls!’

The Hooker was repulsed with a quarter off the men (as opposed to a dime as no buddy could spare a dime) and shot himself in the foot. This made him hopping mad of course.

Command of his corpse passed to Gorge Mead. Jack’s sons Di Visions suffered even more severally, losing all their general kernels which drove them nuts.

It was only the arrival of a Hood and a Hill which enabled Jack’s son’s corpse to hold its ground near the Dunker Church.

It should be noted that the objective of the Hooker corpse was the Dunker church where people got dunked in the water. This building belonged to a local sex, indigenous to the area of Germ-men Bap-tits or something like that. Bap-tits liked dunking people in the water.

And here’s the building at the time. Editor’s note: I had used a photo in my first issue of this post of the Lutheran church to the east of Sharpsburg by mistake. My apologies

Dunker church

But I don’t suppose they would have been too pleased about having a Hooker turn up.

Anyway, had other Feral corpses come to the aid of the Hooker’s attack, the outcome of the battle might have been different.

Joe’s F’s Mans field (next door to the Corn field and presumably where they grew men) attacked the father on the left, but we don’t know whose father. He had a better four tune, i.e. a better set of battle songs.

However, he was more-tally-whoon-dead and died of course. His command passed to Alpha us Will I ams (possibly God himself, although the Omega is not mentioned). He led his corpse well and after heavy fighting, drove the Hood and the Hill back.

Which just goes to show how a corpse can defeat a hood and indeed a mountain if you have enough guts and even a little faith to remove it.

Which might remind you of someone and something that happened long ago.

The want of support checked the Ferals, and the fight became stationary, with both sides losing many thousands of men.

In other words, the fight became letters and envelopes which the Royal Male, Parcel Farce etc. managed to lose.

Sumner now came into action, and overhaste involved him in a catastrophe. Attacked in front and flank, his troops were driven back in great confusion with nearly half their number killed and wounded. The remnants of Mansfield’s corps would be pulled back in the retreat that followed. Soon afterwards the Federal divisions of Brig. Gen. William French and Maj. Gen. Israel B. Richardson attacked D.H. Hill, whose men were now exhausted by continuous fighting. Here occurred the fighting in the “Bloody Lane,” a sunken road north of Sharpsburg, which French and Richardson eventually carried. D.H. Hill’s men had fought the Battle of South Mountain and had already been fully engaged three times on this day; Hill would lose some two-thirds of his entire command, including 25 of 34 field officers. Proper support would have enabled the Federals to crush Lee’s centre, but VI Corps (under Maj. Gen. William B. Franklin) and V Corps (under Maj. Gen. Fitz-John Porter), held in reserve, were not allowed by McClellan to move forward, and the opportunity passed.

By Map by Hal Jespersen, http://www.posix.com/CW, CC BY 3.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=1952353

Summer now came into action (although it was strictly late summer being September), and overhaste involved him in a cat-as-trophy. The cat might have been Tom-arse Jack’s son.  At tacked in front and flank, his tropes were driven back in great confusion with nearly half their killed and wounded number, i.e. numb.

The remnants of Man’s field’s corpse would be pulled back in the re treat that followed. Soon afterwards the Feral divisions of brigand general Will I am French and may-jaw general Is-real bee Rich-hard’s son at tacked De Hill, whose men were now exhausted by continuous fidgeting.

Here occurred the fidgeting in the “Bloody Lane,” a sun ken road north of Sharp’s burger, which French and Rich hard’s son eventually carried, although where to we don’t know.

De Hill’s men had fought the Battle of South Mountain and had already been fully engaged three times on this day, which is quite some going. Imagine being engaged to three people and breaking it off three times all on one day.

De Hill would lose some two-thirds of his entire command, including 25 of 34 field officers. The field officers are another name for ploughmen who got buried in the field. What on earth they were doing is not recorded, but once they were in the earth they were dead we assume.

Proper support would have enabled the Ferals to crush Lee’s centre, but Vi’s Corpse (under ma jaw general will I am ‘bee’ Frank Lyn) and V Corpse (under ma jaw general Fits-John Poorter), held in reserve, were not allowed by ‘Mac’ Clellan to move forward, and the opportunity passed.

Editor’s note: interestingly anagrams of ‘opportunity’ include

‘Put yr option’ – you have the option in an opportunity to put your case, attack etc.

‘Try up option’ – similar to above.

‘Option RT yup’ – you have the option to listen to Russia Today if you can but I believe it may have been cancelled in today’s cancel culture in the western world.

‘Or Putin typo’ – but of course it may be a spelling mistake by the current Russian president!!!

The battle for Burnside Bridge

Burnside, on the southern end of the Union lines, had received his orders late and acted on them later still. The battle was over on the Confederate right before Burnside fired a shot, and Lee was able to shift nearly all of his troops from his southern wing to support Jackson in the north. At last Burnside moved forward, but his advance was immediately checked by a handful of men left to oppose him at what came to be known as Burnside Bridge. Fewer than 500 Georgia sharpshooters covered nearly a mile of ground from the bridge south to Snavely’s Ford, the only other practicable crossing of the Antietam in the area. These men turned the stone bridge into a killing zone, and Burnside spent more than three hours trying to force a crossing of the creek. With their ammunition all but exhausted, the Confederate defenders were at last driven back by a Federal bayonet charge.

Sideburns, on the south urn end of the Onion lines, had received his hors d’oeuvre late and acted on them later. Still, the battle was over on the Confecterate rite before Sideburn fired a shot, let alone any of his men.

Lee was a-bull to shit (sic) nearly awl of his tropes from his south urn wing to support Jack’s son in the gnawth. At last Sideburns moved forward, but his ad vance was immediately checked by a handful of men left to oppose him at what became to be known as Sideburns Bridge.

Fewer than 500 Georgia sharpshitters (sic) covid nearly a mile of ground from the bridge south to Snively’s Ford, a very early Ford production vehicle. It was called Snively as it was covid, i.e. the common cold or ‘flu. It was quite fast by comparison to walking and it was reported that it ‘flu along.

Anyway, this was the only other way to get across Aunty Tam. These men turned the stone bridge into a killing zone (Covid is responsible for most deaths nowadays so similar situation back then no doubt).

Sideburns spent more than three hours trying to force a crossing of the Greek. It was reported that his name was ‘Mr. Keepyourbuttsoffoursideoritsyourloss’.

With their ammunition all butt exhaust Ted (Ted had a few rounds left), the Confecterate  D fenders were at last driven back (in the Ford) by a Feral bay-and-net charge ($9.99).

It might be observed that a burn is a stream in Scotland and Sideburns was trying to get to the other side.

Burnside now crossed the Antietam with over 8,000 men, and at about 3:00 PM he launched an attack on the 2,000 or so Confederate soldiers who had retired to the heights east of Sharpsburg. Burnside began to roll up Lee’s right flank, and it seemed that the Army of Northern Virginia would not survive the day. It was then that the rebel yell erupted from a force on Burnside’s left flank. A.P. Hill’s troops, freshly armed and resupplied from the stores at Harpers Ferry, had marched 17 miles (27 km) in just eight hours, arriving, as Hill reported, “not in a moment too soon.” In some cases, Union troops, seeing soldiers in blue uniforms, held their fire, only to realize too late that these were Hill’s men in clothing that had been taken from Harpers Ferry. Hill’s attack shattered the Union advance, and by 4:30 PM the Federal left flank was in full retreat. The repulse of Burnside effectively ended the battle. Pressure was brought to bear on McClellan to renew the engagement, but he refused, and Lee crossed the Potomac unmolested. This ended the fighting on what would be the single bloodiest day in the history of the U.S. armed forces.

This above is Sideburns. Please note the sideburns.

Sideburns now crossed aunty Tam with over 8,000 men, and at about 3 P.M.’s (Liz Truss, Boris Johnson and David Cameron) he lunched an attack on the 2,000 also Confecterate soulgers who had re-tyred to the heights east of Sharp’s burger.

Sideburns began to roll up Lee’s rite flank (like rolling up his sleeve) prior to jabbing into him (like the vaccines). It seemed that the army (which had the sleeve) of the Northern Virgins would not survive the day.

It was then that the rebel Yell, from Yell.com, erupted from a farce on Sideburns’ left flank. A Phil’s troops, freshly armed and resupplied from the stores at Herpes Fairy, had marched 17 miles (27 km) in just ate hours (presumably having had no chance to eight anything), arriving, as Phil reported, “not in a moment too soon.”

Mmm… how about ‘Just in time’? Bit simpler to say that I think.

In some cases (suitcases the confecterates were carrying with the looted stores), Onion tropes, seeing soulgers in blue unicorns, held their fire, only to realize too late that their hands were burning. And that these were Phil’s men in clothing that had been taken from Herpes Fairy.

I thought Fairy clothing was pretty and flowery and therefore obvious, so really the Onion tropes must have been a bit dim.

Phil’s attack shattered the Onion ad vance, and by 4:30 PM the Feral left flank was in full retreat. The re pulse, or lentil, of Sideburns effectively ended the battle, i.e. they were fected.      

Pressure was brought to bare on ‘Mac’ Clellan to renew the engagement, but he refused having been rejected too often. Perhaps you have had the same experience. Anyway, Lee crossed the Potomac un-mole tested, and ‘Mac’ Clellan wasn’t into stalking.

Casualties

Confederate dead lie in the “Bloody Lane” after the Battle of Antietam, 1862.

Wikipedia says

Antietam ranks fifth in terms of total casualties in Civil War battles, falling behind Gettysburg, Chickamauga, Chancellorsville, and Spotsylvania Court House.

Union

12,410 casualties with 2,108 dead.

This represented 25% of the Federal force.

1,910 Union Confederate troops died of their wounds soon after the battle.

225 Union troops listed as missing were later confirmed as dead.

Confederate

10,316 casualties with 1,547 dead.

This represented 31% of the Confederates.

1,550 Confederate troops died of their wounds soon after the battle.

306 Confederate troops listed as missing were later confirmed as dead.

Aftermath & conclusions

Thus ended the fighting on what some consider to be the single bloodiest day in the history of the U.S. armed forces.

As regards the assertion that this was the single bloodiest day in the history of the U.S. armed forces I note that

‘anemia tt’ is an anagram of Antietam. The root word ‘anemia’ has to do with loss of blood. Makes you think.

Makes you think what a bloody waste of time it all was.

Anyway, Abraham Lincoln wasn’t pleased with McClellan for not being more aggressive in his approach when this could have meant a decisive tactical victory, although strategically the outcome of the battle meant that Lee withdrew across the river Potomac ending the campaign.

Interestingly, today we have an article from MSN copying a Daily Mail article headed

‘I wasn’t arrested’: Joe Biden admits he was never detained in South Africa despite previous claims

The fact that MSN have posted this is unusual for them I would say. Perhaps this will affect the Democrat campaign for the mid-terms.

The Battle of Antietam was considered a turning point in the war, although I have always thought that Gettysburg was the pivotal point.

But I note that Confederate offensives in Mississippi and Kentucky were also defeated in the fall of 1862 so I can see why it was such a significant event.

Wikipedia says

The results of Antietam also allowed President Lincoln to issue the preliminary Emancipation Proclamation on September 22, which gave Confederate states until January 1, 1863, to return or else lose their slaves.

Wikipedia also says

The Union victory and Lincoln’s proclamation played a considerable role in dissuading the governments of France and Britain from recognizing the Confederacy; some suspected they were planning to do so in the aftermath of another Union defeat.

When the issue of emancipation was linked to the progress of the war, neither government had the political will to oppose the United States, since it linked support of the Confederacy to support for slavery.

Both countries had already abolished slavery, and the public would not have tolerated the government militarily supporting a sovereignty upholding the ideals of slavery.

Of course slavery was technically abolished in 1865 in the USA as Thirteenth Amendment to the United States Constitution when The amendment was passed by Congress on January 31, 1865, was ratified by the required 27 of the then 36 states on December 6, 1865, and was proclaimed on December 18.

I note it was the 13th, the number considered unlucky by many although I don’t believe in luck. But 13 is actually considered lucky by the Chinese among others I believe.

But slavery still exists and peoples are still oppressed, and war is still vile. I end with this photo from Wikipedia article.

“Confederate soldier who after being wounded had evidently dragged himself to a little ravine on the hillside where he died”. Photograph by Alexander Gardner.

P.S. Link to Battle of the Second Bull Run.

On this day 82 years ago Operation Sealion, the proposed invasion of Great Britain by Germany in 1940, was postponed. Editor’s note: sight amendment as I had said ‘cancelled’ which is incorrect, although in effect of course it never happened.

Queen Elizabeth II’s funeral takes place Monday 19th in Westminster Abbey. I gather Joe Biden is attending. Is there room for two in the coffin I wonder?

As regards ‘aunty Tam’ this may be Theresa Tam. She is the second-in-command of the Public Health Agency of Canada (PHAC). She is from Hong Kong originally when it was under British administration, and brought up in the UK. You can find out more here.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Theresa_Tam

The first link talks about a conflict of interest, hence the battle of aunty Tam!

https://www.rebelnews.com/ezra_levant_show_february_23_2021

https://nationalpost.com/news/canada/canadas-top-doctor-theresa-tam-reappointed-for-another-three-year-term-with-a-pay-raise

This shows the stupidity of Theresa.

https://thepostmillennial.com/dr-tam-christmas-caroling-presents-covid-risk

Uncle Tam may be Jonathan Van-Tam. He was a Deputy Chief Medical Officer for England on 2 October 2017. He was born and brought up in the UK. You can find out more here.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jonathan_Van-Tam

As you will see he has worked in big pharma. Another conflict of interest like the Battle of Antietam!

Further useful links on conflict of interest, including other parties.

Conflicts of Interests – just how deep is the swamp?

In conflicts of interest, battles must be fought to expose and bring these people among many others to justice for their crimes against humanity, against all the nations of the world.

Let us continue the good fight.

Second Battle of Bull Run or Battle of Second Manassas and why is it more commonly known as the former.

By Baldmichael Theresoluteprotector’sson

31st August, 2022

Given that the USA is undergoing a second civil war right now, albeit a battle mainly with words rather than guns, I thought it about time I did a post on a significant battle in the first American Civil War or ACW.

According to Wikipedia, the Second Battle of Bull Run or Battle of Second Manassas was fought August 28–30, 1862, 80 years ago. I have been trying to use Wikipedia as a basis but I think there is too much detail to work with regarding the actual battle, so I have decided to focus on the Encyclopaedia Britannia article instead which is more concise.

I will however, refer to the Wikipedia link for introductory matters.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Second_Battle_of_Bull_Run

This is of general interest.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_American_Civil_War_battles

The Britannica article.

https://www.britannica.com/event/Second-Battle-of-Bull-Run-1862

From the above link.

Second Battle of Bull Run, also called Second Battle of Manassas or Second Manassas, (August 29–30, 1862), in the American Civil War, the second of two engagements fought at a small stream named Bull Run, near Manassas in northern Virginia. (Civil War battles often had one name in the North, which was usually associated with a prominent nearby physical feature, and another in the South, usually derived from the town or city closest to the battlefield.) The Confederate victory drove the Union army from eastern Virginia and laid the groundwork for the Confederate invasion of Maryland.

I am going to proceed to offer my take on the proceedings in my usual wacky approach. That is, ‘Let him who has an ear to hear, let him hear.’ I hope it will make you laugh and think. I shall leave in the Wikipedia/Britannia text which may help you understand what on earth I am talking about.

Please note I do not intend any disrespect to those who died or fought, merely to show the absurdity of war, how mad things can be, even if it is only how one can use language. After all, it is propaganda and morale that count most to win battles and wars, especially wars of words.



1          Background

After the collapse of Maj. Gen. George B. McClellan’s Peninsula Campaign in the Seven Days Battles of June 1862, President Abraham Lincoln appointed John Pope to command the newly formed Army of Virginia. Pope had achieved some success in the Western Theater, and Lincoln sought a more aggressive general than McClellan.

The prescient A-bra-ham Lyn-Con (who kept a ham in his bra), appointed the Pope to form a virgin army. These became known as ‘The Virgin Soldiers’, which the author Terry Thomas wrote about allegedly.

This was all a con, hence Lyn-con, as the Pope was a Roaming Cathaholic and the virgins probably not virgin anyway. The whole thing was virgin on the ridiculous.

1.1/1.2          Military situation & Plans

Pope’s mission was to fulfill two basic objectives: protect Washington and the Shenandoah Valley; and draw Confederate forces away from McClellan by moving in the direction of Gordonsville.[18] Based on his experience fighting McClellan in the Seven Days, Robert E. Lee perceived that McClellan was no further threat to him on the Virginia Peninsula, so he felt no compulsion to keep all of his forces in direct defense of Richmond. This allowed him to relocate Jackson to Gordonsville to block Pope and protect the Virginia Central Railroad.[19]

The Pope’s mission was twofold; protect the washing tun, i.e the laundry, and the woman who looked after it who was known simply as she ‘Nan’ doer; and to draw the Confecterate Farces away from a scot known as ‘Mac’ Clellan by moving in the direction of Gordon’s Villa where another scot lived.

Roberty Lee considered ‘Mac’ Clellan was no threat to him on the virgin’s penicillin, so he felt no need to keep all of his farces sitting on the fence in Richmond. (N.B. This is not the same place as in Yorkshire, England where Rich Tea Sunak is an M.P.)

This enabled Roberty Lee to relocate Jack’s son to Gordon’s Villa to block the Pope and protect the virgin’s central rail rod.

Lee had larger plans in mind. Since the Union Army was split between McClellan and Pope and they were widely separated, Lee saw an opportunity to destroy Pope before returning his attention to McClellan. He committed Maj. Gen. A.P. Hill to join Jackson with 12,000 men.

Roberty Lee had larger plans in his mind as the Onion Army was widely separated, and he saw an opportunity to destroy the Pope before dealing with ‘Mac’ Clellan. He committed A Phil to join Jack’s son with 12,000 men.

By Map by Hal Jespersen, http://www.posix.com/CW, CC BY 3.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=7100910

1.3      Initial movements in the Northern Virginia Campaign

On August 3, General-in-Chief Henry Halleck directed McClellan to begin his final withdrawal from the Peninsula and to return to Northern Virginia to support Pope. McClellan protested and did not begin his redeployment until August 14.[20]

On August 3rd, the general inn chief, i.e. landlord of a pub, Hen-ree Hall-like, directed ‘Mac’ Clellan to begin his final with drawl from the pen-in-the-sewer to support the Pope. ‘Mac’ Clellan protested presumably because he was not a Roaming Cathaholic and the Pope was.

Nevertheless, he did begin his red ploy meant on the 14th August.

On August 9, Nathaniel Banks’s corps attacked Jackson at Cedar Mountain, gaining an early advantage, but a Confederate counterattack led by A.P. Hill drove Banks back across Cedar Creek. Jackson’s advance was stopped, however, by the Union division of Brig. Gen. James B. Ricketts. By now Jackson had learned that Pope’s corps were all together, foiling his plan of defeating each in separate actions. He remained in position until August 12, then withdrew to Gordonsville.[21] On August 13, Lee sent Longstreet to reinforce Jackson.

On August 9th, The National Banks Corporation attacked Jack’s son at see der mountain (you could hardly miss it) and gained an Early advanced age. However, a Confecterate counter attack led by A Phil drove the Banks back across the see der creek (the creek was less obvious).

Jack’s son’s advance was stopped by the Onion division of James Briquettes who built a wall using small bricks. There are those who say he suffered from vitamin D deficiency in the form of rickets and didn’t have a leg to stand on, therefore he used briquettes instead.

By now Jack’s son had learned that the Pope’s corpse was in the all-together, i.e. nude, foiling his plan of de-feeting each in separate actions. Removing the feet would stop the Pope running around, although I have yet to see a corpse walk on its feet.

Although on second thoughts there are the brain dead who go around like zombies saying “Give us the vaccine, they only make us ill, but we are much better for them, really, because if we hadn’t had them we could be dead!”

Anyway, he remained in position until August 12th (when the shooting season starts in the UK) and then with Drew went to Gordon’s Villa for a nice cup of tea. On the 13th, Roberty Lee sent a Long Street to reinforce Jack’s son.

1.4      Prelude to battle

From August 22 to 25, the two armies fought a series of minor actions along the Rappahannock River. Heavy rains had swollen the river and Lee was unable to force a crossing. By this time, reinforcements from the Army of the Potomac were arriving from the Peninsula. Lee’s new plan in the face of all these additional forces outnumbering him was to send Jackson and Stuart with half of the army on a flanking march to cut Pope’s line of communication, the Orange & Alexandria Railroad. Pope would be forced to retreat and could be defeated while moving and vulnerable. Jackson departed on August 25 and reached Salem (present-day Marshall) that night.

From August 22nd to 25th, the two armies fought a series of miners along the Rapper Hammock River.

Reinforcements from the Army of the Potty Mac were arriving from the pen-in-the-sewer. Roberty Lee’s new plan was to send Jack’s son and Stew’s art with half an army (forearm or upper arm is not clear) to cut the Pope’s line of communication, i.e. to excommunicate him.

As it is normally the Pope doing the excommunicating, this seems strange but perhaps Roberty Lee just wanted to get his own back.

Anyway, this would force the Pope to go to a retreat and who could then be de-feeted while moving and then have no feet to move on.

On the evening of August 26, after passing around Pope’s right flank via Thoroughfare Gap, Jackson’s wing of the army struck the Orange & Alexandria Railroad at Bristoe Station and before daybreak on August 27 marched to capture and destroy the massive Union supply depot at Manassas Junction. This surprise movement forced Pope into an abrupt retreat from his defensive line along the Rappahannock. During the night of August 27–28, Jackson marched his divisions north to the First Bull Run (Manassas) battlefield, where he took position behind an unfinished railroad grade below Stony Ridge.[23] The defensive position was a good one. The heavy woods allowed the Confederates to conceal themselves, while maintaining good observation points of the Warrenton Turnpike, the likely avenue of Union movement, only a few hundred yards to the south. There were good approach roads for Longstreet to join Jackson, or for Jackson to retreat to the Bull Run Mountains if he could not be reinforced in time. Finally, the unfinished railroad grade offered cuts and fills that could be used as ready-made entrenchments.[24]

On the evening of August 26th, after passing round the Pope’s right side, Jack’s son wing of the army struck the orange and Alex And’s rear at Bisto Station where the gravy was.

He then marched on August 27th to capture and destroy the massive onion supply at Man Ass Has Junk shun which was another rear area or bottom like Alex’s mentioned earlier.

Scholars are unclear if it was the onions which were massive or if there were just an awful lot of them. I suspect both.

In any event the action was surprising as the Pope didn’t think people would be interested in his bottom or rear areas. Nevertheless he had to retreat quickly from the Rapper Hammock as no one want’s their bottom pinched let alone their onions destroyed – after all, onions are the basis for all good meals.

During the night of the 27th and 28th August, Jack’s son marched his divisions north to the first Bull Run, where a man ass has (rather than a bull). Somewhat confusing I know. He took a position behind an un-Finnish rail rod grade below a stony ridge where there was a stony silence.

This was a good defensive position as the heavy Woods (containing Tiger Woods with his golf clubs) allowed the Confecterates to conceal themselves (or vice versa). The also had a good view of the war-ring-tone turn pike, a type of aggressive fish.

There were good approach roads for the Long Street to join Jack’s son and possibly good long streets for Rhodes to join Jack’s son too, whoever Rhodes was. Jack’s son could also retreat to the Bull Run mountains if he could not be reinforced in thyme or other herbs.

The un-Finnish rail rod grade made for N-trenchments provided you had your trench coats of course.

In the Battle of Thoroughfare Gap on August 28, Longstreet’s wing broke through light Union resistance and marched through the gap to join Jackson. This seemingly inconsequential action virtually ensured Pope’s defeat during the coming battles because it allowed the two wings of Lee’s army to unite on the Manassas battlefield.

In the Battle of Tho’ rough fare Gap (where the fare or food was rough or basic) on August 28th, a Long Street’s wing broke through a light onion resistance (probably a late sowing of a spring onion) and Marched (although it was August) to join Jack’s son.

This seemed inn consequential but virtually ensured the Pope’s de-feet during the coming battles because it allowed two wings of Roberty Lee’s army to join and become a proper bird.

Second Bull Run Campaign, August 17–30, 1862

2          Opposing forces

2.1      Onion

These were led by the following:

The Pope – a Roaming Cathaholic in charge of the Virgin Soldiers. You tell how important he is as he has hand in his jacket. He may be checking if his heart is still beating or he may have an itch.

A France Seagull – providing the wings of the army

The Nat P Bank (possibly the National Provincial Bank which merged with the National Westminster Bank in the UK)

Her vin Muck Dowel, a type of wooden peg.

A Sam Heinz-el Man, one of the 57 varieties.

A Jesse L Renault, who came from Wheeling in what is now West Virginia, not Renault (sic), Nevada. Wheeling is necessary on a Renault of course otherwise it can’t move.

2.2      Confecterate

These were led by the following:

Roberty Lee although some say it should be Roberta Ely, but with a beard and moustache this seems unlikely given the era. Nowadays of course anything is possible with imagination.

A Long Street (how long we don’t know).

Stonewall Jack’s son (understood not to be related to LGBTQ+ etc)

A Stew art – who was the war artist.

Second Manassas

The armies gather

Jackson began his march around the right of Pope’s army early on August 25. The column passed through Thoroughfare Gap on August 26, and it reached Bristoe Station, directly in Pope’s rear, that evening. Jackson’s “foot cavalry” had covered an astonishing 54 miles (87 km) in just two days. A Confederate detachment drove the Federal defenders from Manassas Junction; after thoroughly plundering the Union supply depot there, Jackson’s men set fire to the rail yard and the remaining Federal stores. When Pope became aware of Jackson’s departure, he arranged for an immediate attack on Longstreet, thinking that Jackson had withdrawn his force to the Shenandoah Valley. However, when the direction of Jackson’s march on Thoroughfare Gap became clear, Pope fell back in order to engage him.

Jack’s son began his March in August early on the 25th (August). March is of course very early for August but Jack’s son liked to be early for everything as the early bird gets worms, or something like that.

Anyway, he Marched round the Pope’s army on his leggies. The column passed thorough Throughfare Gap (or vice versa) on the 26th August and reached the Bisto Station which was a very gravy situation for the Pope as this was in his rear. Gravy in one’s rear is unpleasant I can assure you.

Jack’sons “foot cavalry” as they were known (none of this Napoleonic “meter cavalry” nonsense) had Covid for an astonishing 54 miles (87 km if you must know) which is quite a distance to have Covid for. After all it is roughly 2.8 times Covid 19. Yet they had it for two days which is also an extremely short time. Perhaps the PCR tests they had were faulty.

A Confecterate D-tache-ment (these were men with taches i.e. moustaches) drove the Feral defenders from the Man Ass Has junction. Here is a link to men of the civil war and their moustaches.

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2104419/The-greatest-beards-moustaches-Civil-War.html

The Confecterates thoroughly plundered the Onion supply depot as they knew their onions and when they were onto a good thing. It made the Feral defenders weep, but that’s what happens when someone cuts up your onions.

The Confecterates then set fire to the rail yard (again none of this rail meter nonsense) and the remaining Feral stores which made the Feral defenders even wilder.

When the Pope became aware of Jack’s son’s departure, he arranged an immediate attack on the Long Street, thinking that Jack’s son had taken his draws to She ‘Nan’ doer’s valet for repairs.

However, when the Di wreck shun of Jack’s son’s March became clear, the Pope fell back in order to be engaged to him (although Jack’s son had no intention of marrying him of course).

On the evening of August 27, Union Maj. Gen. Joseph Hooker’s division met Brig. Gen. Richard Ewell’s division of Jackson’s corps near Bristoe Station. A private with the 15th Alabama Infantry Regiment said of the ensuing encounter, “If I had held up an iron hat I could have caught it full of bullets in a short time.” The brief but brutal engagement left the Union attackers bloodied, and Ewell retired to Manassas. Pope now realized that he had Jackson’s entire corps in front of him at Manassas Junction. At once he took steps to concentrate all of his forces for a decisive strike against Jackson. When he arrived at Manassas on August 28, however, Pope found nothing but the charred ruins of his supplies.

On the evening of the 27th, an Onion Hooker met a Rich-Hard You-well of Jack’s son’s corpse near Bisto Station. A 15th Allah Bama private (believed to be distant relation of a more recent USA president) said of the ensuing encounter “If I had held up a hot iron I could have caught it full of pullets in a short time.”

The engagement (strictly a liaison) was briefs as they were all taken and left the Onions bloodied (i.e. they became red onions) and You-well re-tyred to Man Ass Has.

The Pope now realised that he had Jack’s son’s entire corpse in front of him which was a rotten thing to have to contemplate. He therefore took steps (to help him mount his horse) and constipate all his farces for a decisive strike against Jack’s son.

However, when he arrived at Man Ass Has on August 28th he found nothing but charred remains of the Onion supplies which spoiled his plans for meals for some time. Or to put it more bluntly, his ass at Man Ass Has Junction had been thoroughly kicked.

Jackson had no intention of awaiting Pope at Manassas. Having made several feints to mislead Federal scouts, Jackson withdrew to a hidden position in the hills between Groveton and Sudley Springs, northwest of the 1861 battlefield. There he awaited the arrival of Lee and Longstreet, who, taking the same route as Jackson, arrived on August 28 at Thoroughfare Gap. There Longstreet engaged a hopelessly outnumbered Union division under Brig. Gen. James Ricketts, driving it back to Gainesville. That evening Jackson’s corps held a 2-mile (3.2-km) line from Sudley Springs to Groveton, with his right wing near Groveton opposing Union Brig. Gen. Rufus King’s division. Longstreet held Thoroughfare Gap, facing Ricketts at Gainesville. On Ricketts’s right was King near Groveton, and the Union line was continued by the remaining division of Maj. Gen. Irvin McDowell’s corps and by Maj. Gen. Franz Sigel’s corps to the Stone Bridge.

Jack’s son had no intention of waiting for the Pope at Man Ass Has. He fainted several times to mislead the Feral scuts, and then took his draws and hid them in the hills between Groveton and Suddenly Springs, north west of the earlier battle of Bull Run.

There he awaited for Roberty Lee and the Long Street who were taking the same route as Jack’s son and arrive at the Throughfare Gap on the 28th.

There the Long Street was engaged to a hopelessly outnumbered Onion Di Vision which had Ricketts, a vitamin D deficiency, which meant it was driven back to Gainsville where they had to review their losses, not their gains.

That evening Jack’s son’s corpse held a 2 mile line from Suddenly Springs to Grooverton, with his right wing opposing the Onion brigand general Roofer’s King and his Di Vision.

The Long Street held the Throughfare Gap facing the Ricketts who had the King on his right, and the Onion line was continued by the remaining Di Vision of Her vin Muck Dowel’s corpse and France Seagull’s corpse to the stoned bridge. 

Pope was at Centreville, 7 miles (11 km) away, with three divisions; a fourth was northeast of Manassas Junction, and Maj. Gen. Fitz-John Porter’s corps was at Bristoe Station. Thus, while Ricketts continued to occupy Longstreet at Gainesville, Pope could concentrate a superior force against Jackson, who he now believed to be meditating a retreat to Thoroughfare Gap. However, a series of misunderstandings resulted in the withdrawal of Ricketts and King, so that no force now remained to oppose the union of Longstreet and Jackson. Meanwhile, Sigel and McDowell alone remained to face Jackson until such time as Pope could bring up the rest of his scattered forces.

The Pope was at the centre of the ville or town 7 miles away with three Di Visions; a fourth was northeast of Man Ass Has Junction and Fits-John Poor Tar’s corpse was at the Bisto Station.

Thus whilst Ricketts continued to occupy the Long Street and cause issues with his deficiency, the Pope could constipate a souper rear farce against Jack’s son, who he believed was meditating at a retreat in the Throughfare Gap.

However, a series of Miss Understandings, some unmarried girls who were causing understandable distractions to the Onion farces, resulted in Ricketts and the King taking their with drawls, so that no farce remained  to oppose the Onions of the Long Street and Jack’s son (bear in mind Jack’s son had taken the onions of the Onion farces).

In the meantime the Seagull and Muck Dowel alone remained to face Jack’s son until the Pope could bring up the rest of his scatty farces.

The first day

Jackson was now prepared for battle, on the ground of his choosing. On the morning of August 29, the Confederates, posted behind a high railway embankment, repelled two sharp attacks made by Sigel. Pope arrived at noon with his divisions from Centreville, which, led by the general himself, Hooker, and Maj. Gen. Jesse Reno, made a third and desperate attack on Jackson’s line. Jackson repulsed it with difficulty, carried his counterstroke too far, and was in turn checked by Brig. Gen. Cuvier Grover’s brigade of Hooker’s division. Grover then made a fourth assault but was driven back with terrible loss. The last assault, delivered by two divisions under Maj. Gen. Phil Kearny and Brig. Gen. Isaac Stevens, drove the Confederate left out of its position; a Confederate counterattack, led by Brig. Gen. Jubal Early, dislodged the Union soldiers with a bayonet charge.

Jack’s son was now prepared for battle on the ground of his shoestring. On the morning of the 29th, the Confecterates posted behind a high railway embankment (this was sending mail to their loved ones such messages as “Having a swell time, glad you are not here, the Onions are making us cry.”, that sort of thing).

They repealed two sharp at tacks made by the Seagull who used his beak. The Pope arrived at noon with his Di Visions from the centre of the ville, and, led by the Pope, the Hooker and the Jesse, made a desperate third at tack on Jack’s son’s line.

Jack’s son repulsed it with Di Fick Culty, but went too far with his stroking and was in turn checked by a brigand Coo-ve-‘er Groover who was attached to the Hooker (no doubt in a groovy kind of love).

The Groover made a fourth ass salt but was driven back with a terrible loss when his salt cellar was badly damaged.

The last ass salt under Fill K Ernie and I Sack Stevens drove the Confecterate left out of its position; however, a  Confecterte counter at tack, led by Jew Ball Early, dislodged the Onion soldiers with a bay and net charge.

By noon of August 29 the lead elements of Longstreet’s corps had begun to deploy on Jackson’s right. Porter and McDowell, acting on various orders sent by Pope, approached the area and observed an enemy force of unknown strength. Porter had been ordered to attack Jackson’s right flank, but it was now clear that Pope was wholly ignorant of the arrival of Longstreet. To the north, the sound of Sigel’s guns indicated that he was closely engaged with Jackson. McDowell and Porter assessed the situation. The former marched off to join Sigel, while the latter remained to hold Longstreet in check. In this Porter succeeded, for Longstreet, though far superior in numbers, made no forward move, and his advance guard went into action alone. On the night of the 29th, Lee reunited the wings of his army on the field of battle. He had forced Pope back many miles from the Rappahannock, and, expecting that the Federals would retire to the line of Bull Run before giving battle, he now decided to wait for the last divisions of Longstreet’s corps, which were still approaching.

By noon of August 29th the lead elephants (as in the metal) of Long Street’s corpse had begun to deploy on Jack’s son right having come down the trunk road of course. Poor Tar and Muck Dowel, acting on various hors d’oeuvres sent by Pope, approached the area and observed an enemy farce of unknown strength.

Poor Tar had had been hors d’oeuvred to at tack Jack’s son right (possibly his so called right to abortion, i.e. abort an at tack), but it was clear that the Pope was holy ignorant of the arrival of the Long Street.

To the north, the sound of the Seagull’s guns indicated he was engaged to Jack’s son. Guns were obviously being used rather than bells to celebrate the event. Muck Dowel and Poor Tar ass essed the situation. The farmer marched off to join the Seagull, while the latte remained to hold the Long Street in a check and preferably a coffeen (sic).

In this Poor Tar suck seeded, for the Long Street, though father superior in Numbers, made no attempt to Exodus his lines, except for his advance gourd which went into Acton on a lawn.

On the knight of the 29th, Roberty Lee re-yew-knighted the wings of his army. He had forced the Pope back many Miles from the Rapper Hammock, which meant the Pope wouldn’t sleep very well, and, expecting that the Ferals would re-tyre to the line of the Bull Run before giving a bottle, he decided to weight for the last Di Visions of the Long Street’s corpse which were still approaching.

The second day

Pope, still optimistic that he held the upper hand, mistakenly believed that Jackson was retreating and ordered a “general pursuit” of the Confederates on August 30. There was some ground for his suppositions, because Jackson had retired a short distance and Longstreet’s advance guard also had fallen back. McDowell, who was in charge of the pursuit, soon recognized Pope’s error and attempted to secure his exposed flank by occupying the Bald and Henry House hills. An attack on Jackson’s right, which Pope had ordered Porter to make, was repulsed with great losses due to devastating enfilading artillery fire from Longstreet.

The Pope was optimistic that he held the upper hand as you can see here although he is not holding that hand with his other hand of course.

He mistakenly believed that Jack’s son was on a retreat and ordered a “general hairsuit” which is why his generals were hairy. There were grounds for his suppositories because Jack’s son had re-tyred in his shorts by putting new tyres on his wagons, and the Long Street’s advance gourd had also fallen on its back.

Muck Dowel who was charging the hairsuit, soon recognised the Pope’s error, i.e that he was not infallible, and attempted to sea cure his exposed phalanx by occupying the Bald and Henry’s House hills. Of course, being a general hairsuit this made sense to try and cover the bald hills. Henry’s house looked like this.

From

https://horridhenry.fandom.com/wiki/Henry%27s_House

An at tack on Jack’s son right (right to what we are not told, possibly freedom of speech), which the Pope had told Poor Tar to make, was repulsed with grate losses due to devastating Ethel-made Art Hillary fires from the Long Street.

Shortly after 4:00 PM Lee ordered the entire Confederate army forward in a grand counterattack. Longstreet bore down on the Federal left with 28,000 men in one of the largest massed charges of the war, while Jackson pressed the right toward the Warrenton Turnpike. The left flank of the Union army was driven successively from every position it took up, and Longstreet captured Bald Hill. Jackson, though opposed by the greater part of Pope’s forces, advanced to Matthews Hill, and his artillery threatened the Stone Bridge. The Federals, driven back to the banks of Bull Run, were only saved by the spirited defense of Henry House Hill by the Pennsylvania Reserves Division of Brig. Gen. John Reynolds and the 2nd Division under Brig. Gen. George Sykes.

Shortly after 4.00p.m., Roberty Lee hors d’oeuvred the N-tyre Confecterate army forwards in a grand counter at tack to pin down the Onion farces. The Long Street boar down on the Feral left with 28, 000 men in one of the largest mass charges of the war. This should have pleased the Pope who liked masses (in this case he didn’t however).

In the meantime Jack’s son pressed the right towards the War-ring-tone Turn pike. The left flank of the Onion army was driven from every positron it took up, and the Long Street captured the Bald Hill in a bold hair raising at tack, although this was the hair on the soldiers not the hill of course.

Jack’s son, though opposed by the grater part of the Pope’s farces, advanced to Ma Thew’s Hill, and his Art Hillary threatened the Stone Bridge which didn’t fancy becoming part of Jack’s son stonewall.

The Ferals were driven back to the banks of Bull Run (I have never heard of these banks but may be merchant banks to launder the money stolen from USA taxpayers to fund the war in the Ukraine). They were only saved by the spirit of the fence of Henry’s House by the Pens of Sylvia re serves of the brigand general John Ray an’ Olds and the 2nd Di Vision under brigand general Gorgeous Ikes.

Pope withdrew under cover of night to Centreville. There he received fresh reinforcements, but Jackson was already marching around his new right. At Chantilly (September 1) Pope lost two of his ablest commanders when Kearny and Stevens were killed in action, and the whole Federal army fell back to Washington. Lee and his army were the masters of eastern Virginia, the Union army was in disarray, and the door was open for Lee’s planned invasion of Maryland.

The Pope with Drew under the cover of night to the centre of the villa. There he received fresh reinfarcements, but Jack’s son was already marching around his new right. At Chant Hilly on the 1st September the Pope lost K Ernie and St. Evens killed in Acton, and the hole Feral army fell back to the Washing tun to wash their uniforms which were by now very filthy.

Roberty Lee and his army were the masters of the E Stern Virgins, the Onion army was in disarray, and the door was open for Mr Lee’s planned invasion of Maryland where he could pinch all the cookies (which would make a nice change from the onions).

Casualties and assessment

The Union forces present on the field on August 29–30, 1862, numbered about 70,000, while the strength of Lee’s army on the same dates was about 55,000. Total casualties for the battle topped 22,000, with Union losses numbering 13,824. Confederates killed, wounded, or missing numbered 8,353 men, Longstreet’s massive charge on the second day having accounted for the bulk of that total. While the attack was successful in collapsing the Union left flank, Longstreet lost over 4,000 men in roughly four hours.

For comparison, this information from Wikipedia.

Union forces

Nearly 14,000 killed and wounded out of 62,000 engaged (22.5%).

Confederate forces

About 1,000 killed and 7,000 wounded out of 50,000. (16%)

This was a catastrophe for the Union forces, considered a decisive and strategic victory for the Confederates.

Pope blamed Porter rather than himself, but ultimately it was obvious he was at fault and being relieved of his command indicates this. When I note on the photographs on the commanders in the Wikipedia link the fact that he has his hand in his jacket it says it all; the mark of arrogance like Napoleon (although Napoleon did at least win battles).

It is very sad that Porter was court-martialled and found guilty and it took most of the subsequent quarter century for him to be pardoned and exonerated.

So there you have the Second Battle of Manassas or Bull Run. My overall summary on it is the following:

Robert E Lee’s strategy was commenda-bull and pursued a bull-ish fight.

Stonewall Jackson was generally incredi-bull. He made good use of the defensi-bull terrain and proved how capa-bull he was.

James Longstreet’s performance was varia-bull and certainly debatea-bull.

John Pope’s tactics were abomina-bull, and proved that the Pope was not infalla-bull. His orders were lamenta-bull. He was blamea-bull for the defeat and was culpa-bull.

If you think all of this was a load of bull, well you’re welcome.

But that is why the battle is more commonly known as the Second Battle of Bull Run.

And as the commanders were hairy as was the fight, here is a hairy bull. Do you think it looks terri-bull?!





P.S. If you need more insanity, try looking at The Naff Caff under World Menu towards the bottom of the page where there are various battles explored or verbally massacred depending on your point of view.

World Menu