By Baldmichael Theresoluteprotector’sson
31st July, 2022
This took place 80 years ago in North Africa in Egypt between the coast of the Mediterranean and the Qattara Depression. The battle was between the United Kingdom and its Imperial and commonwealth forces including India, New Zealand, Australia and South Africa, and the Axis forces comprising German and Italian troops.
Both the sea and the depression formed a boundary which could not be readily by passed.
The Axis forces of the Panzer Army Africa (Panzerarmee Afrika) (included the Afrika Korps under Field Marshal (Generalfeldmarschall) Erwin Rommel), whilst the United Kingdom forces were the Eighth Army under General Claude Auchinleck.
The Axis forces were very close to Alexandria, about 66 miles, the main naval base at the eastern end of the Mediterranean, and the cities of Egypt and the Suez Canal.
The battle was a successful halting of the Axis forces which were too far from their main base at Tripoli, well over 1,000 miles by road today I understand, although in 1942 this was I believe more as there have been road alterations.
So here is my take on the battle in my usual fashion. If you just want me summary, then go to the end. I shall add some fascinating observations for those who have understanding in these matters.
Please note I do not intend any disrespect to those who died or fought, merely to show the absurdity of war, how mad things can be, even if it is only how one can use language. After all, it is propaganda and morale that count most to win battles and wars, especially wars of words.
This link forms the basis of my article.
My article may bear some resemblance to the truth but you will need to double check as always. Don’t blame me if you don’t.
Having gone through the battle in detail I rather wonder if it was worthwhile to do a ‘mad’ version like this. It seems a bit much. But then war is mad, why do we do it?
By Stephen Kirragetalk – contribs – Own work, CC BY-SA 3.0,
Area of Western Desert Campaign 1941–1942
1.1 Retreat from Gazala
Now the Eighth Army had been beaten at a Gaz-ella, or gas lady’s station on the coast road further west in Libby-yah, a country named after a lady.
The Bright-ish Eighth Army commanded by a Left-ten-ant general Kneel Rich Tea, a type of biscuit, had retreated east to Mer-sur-Ma-true, a seaside town in He-gipped where Mrs True or Ma True as she was known, lived.
It had to be here as it was a better spot to organise the fences as the fences on the He-gipped border with Libby-yah were not up to much.
Anyway, he didn’t have many thanks to form a reserve to counter the Axes attacks. One should of course give thanks in everything, but one must use them correctly. Giving thanks for, say, someone ruining your tea party by driving over it with a large vehicle whilst saying ‘Heil Hitler’ as the Axes were prone to do would be rather silly.
And General Rich Tea did not want his biscuits crushed, thank you very much, let alone his cucumber sandwiches.
He believed he could you use his infant-tree, a type of sapling, to cover the mein fields. These sound rather Germ-men to me, but meins are not particular and will blow anybody up if they are unwary.
To defend Ma-true line (probably her washing line she strung across the desert), he put 10 Ind-Ians , Ians from India, to protect the dear lady Ma-true.
The 50 North-humble-Ians he put at Gerra-walla, a chap who was not too far from Ma True.
Inland he put 5 Ind-Ians, another 29 Ind-Ians and 2 Art Hillary around Sid-he Ham-sa. I assume Sid liked ham.
2 New Seal-enders were at Min-car Ky-am on the is-carp-ment which they carped on about having a fishy smell.
The 1 arm division was in the open dessert enjoying Baked Alaska.
By Kirrages – Own work, CC BY-SA 3.0,
On the 25th June, the preceding 24 Junes being unsuitable, the general Clawed Ouch-in-lake who was the Sea-in-Sea Muddle East Command relieved Rich Tea who was unable to relieve himself as his fly buttons got stuck.
He decided not to seek a derisive conflagration at Ma True’s place as his inferiority in amour or love would put him at a disadvantage with Ma True.
He decided instead on delaying tack-tics. That is, putting down tacks and tics to make the Axes forces tread carefully and to bite them with the tics to tick them off or annoy them.
Like tik-tok videos today.
This would enable him to remove his draws back to a position near Elle Ali-mine where he could set up the fences along a shorter line. It was only 40 miles between the coast and the Guitar-a Depression where the music played by the local Bed-doin’ was rather sad and would send people over the edge into a deep depression.
As the depression is below sea level and the edges can be over 900 feet high, you can see this is a serious depression and difficult to get out of. If you suffer from depression you will understand.
Thus the Axes amour would be cooled and be ineffective.
1.2 Battle of Mersa Matruh
In repairing the Ali-mine fences, general Ouch-in-lake fought delaying actions at Mer-sur-Ma-true on the 26th– 27th June and at Fucker (don’t blame me) on the 28th June.
There was a late change in orders for the kitchens and this resulted in some confusion. There were two corpses, one called X which was unknown and one called XIII or X the third, and there were divisions over them.
As a consequence, late on 26 June, the Germ-men with 90 lights (for romantic effect at night) and 21 panzies (for Ma True who liked flowers), managed to find their way through the mein fields.
Early on 27 June, resuming its advance, the 90 lights were checked by Bright-ish 50 North-humble-Ians Art Hillery to make sure they passed the regulations on light bulbs.
In the meantime, 15 and 21 panzies were driven east above and below the escarpment. Which seems confusing but that’s the Germ-men for you, confusing their enemies.
The 15 panzies were blocked by 4 amours and 7 motor ‘brigands’, vehicles to transport Ma True to a good restaurant, but the 21 panzies were ordered on to attack Minker Came who was likely to distract Ma True.
As the 21 panzies moved on Minker Came, the 2 New Seal-enders found themselves surrounded but broke out on the night of 27/28 June, without serious Ian Dury who they left behind as he had reasons to be cheerful, and withdrew east.
Ouch-in-lake had planned to try and stop the Axes forces at Fucker to the east of Ma True. Apparently I may have misunderstood; it seems it should have been spelled Fuka or Fouka. This means fruit in Arabic. This could lead to some unfortunate misunderstandings in pigeon English.
‘You lika fouka?’
Of course there is the ‘fruit of the loins’ in the Bible, so perhaps there is a connection somewhere…
Anyway, due to confusion in the hors d’oeuvre, the 2 New Seal-enders withdrew to Elle Ali-mine. This left the X corpse vulnerable although as it was already dead this seems odd.
Nevertheless, the X corpse must have been revived as it started heading south. In the darkness it ran into some enemy units drinking lager it seems and where there was considerable confusion.
As a consequence, 5 Ind-ians were suffered heavy casual-ties as their ties were put into disarray in the melee. 29 infant trees were destroyed at Fucker.
Editor’s note: Rather like children being killed in schools in the USA by mad men.
The Axes forces captured more than 6,000 poisoners. It is rumoured these were pharmaceutical makers which seems highly likely to me.
2.1 Defences at El Alamein
Elle Ali-mine owned a consequential inn by a railway station on the coast. If you got off at the station the consequences were that as there might not be another train for hours, you would have to get a drink at the inn as there was nowhere else.
There were ten Miles to the south. These were ‘jolly good chaps’ in the Eighth Army. They occupied the Rue We-is-at on a ridge. The ridge gave good views of the dessert, although the dessert did not exist and was only a mirage.
There were another 20 Miles to the south, and they suffered from the Guitar-a Depression.
The line of fences the Bright-ish chose to defend again meant that the Rome-el, or Rome angel who commanded an Africa Corpse, could outflank it only by crossing Sarah’s dessert. This was a very, very big dessert and extremely hot, dry and dusty, and, quite frankly, not sounding like a dessert at all.
The Bright-ish Army, being bright enough to recognise this, constructed some boxes behind the fences. These contained lots of surprises like Doug Outs, mein fields and Barbara Wire who would keep the Axes forces distracted for hours.
Left-ten-ant-general Will-I-am No-‘R’-i.e., organised the position and started to construct the boxes, apparently all on his own.
By the way I believe that Will-I-am No-‘R’-i.e. didn’t believe in the reinfection rate regarding the version of Covid 19 then prevalent i.e. the desert ‘flu.
It is still around I gather.
The first box was by Elle Ali-mine and had been partly wired and meined by 1 South African.
The second, the Bob el Guitar box (essentially a guitar case belonging to Bob), was south west of the Rue We-is-at ridge. This had Doug, but no wire or meins.
The third was at Knack A-boo De-we-is on the edge of the Guitar-a Depression. Very little work had been done here as it was so depressing there, nobody fancied doing much.
The Bright-ish position in He-gyp-tea was desperate, the route from Mer-sur-Ma –true had created a panic in the Bright-ish H Queue, or Ed Quarters, at Kai-Row on the River Nile. The panic was later called ‘”The flap”.
Rather similar in the first Lockdown in the UK where we had the “Flap for Carers”. In Kai-Row it was more fully known as the “Flap for pharaohs.”
On what came to be referred to as “Ash Wednesday”, the bureaucrats and administrators burnt their papers. It is alleged the ashes were then scattered on the river, but everybody was in de-nile about this.
Ouch-in-lake thought he could stop the Rome-el at Elle Ali-mine, but nevertheless put up other fences nearer Kai-Row with signs saying such things as ‘Nasties keep out’ and ‘No rotters allowed’, that sort of thing.
The Nile delta was also flooded in part. The Nile delta was said to the source of an earlier version of Covid 19, Nile gamma.
The Axes thought that He-gyp-tea would be captured by them shortly and Ben-I-too Mussel-‘n-he, the strong man of Italy, caught the ‘flu in Libby-yah when he went there getting ready for his entry in a Triumph, a car taken from the Bright-ish.
The scattering of the X corpse at Mer-sur-Ma-true disrupted Ouch-in –lake’s plan. On the 29th June he hors d’oeuvred XXX corpses, which consisted of 1 South Afri-can , and 5 and 10 Ind-Ians respectively to take the coastal sec-tor a high point where it was dry (sec means dry in French). This was on the right as you looked at the Germ Men and Ital-Ians.
The 2 new Zeal-enders and 4 more Ind-Ians would be on the left.
The remains or 1 amour and 7 other amours (presumably these were more corpses) were to be held as a mobile army reserve. So their remains still included their arms. I assume legs too as they were mobile.
But if they were corpses this doesn’t make sense. But then they were fighting the Africa Corpse etc., so I suppose they were all dead anyway.
On the 30th June the Rome-el’s Pansy Army Afreaka approached Elle Ali-mein. The Axes forces were exhausted and understrength. Their exhausts were broken and needed repair.
The Rome-el had driven them forward Ruthlessly; Ruth was their girlfriend but he said they could do without her which is why they were panzies. He thought his moment tum, or stomach, would take him through Ali-mein and to the Nile where no doubt he would a Nile ate the Bright-ish.
Supplies remained a problem because the Axes staff had originally expected a paws of six weeks after the capture of Toe-bruk. The Pansy Army Afreakca had hoped to put their toes, let alone their paws, in the sea to wash and cool off.
Germ men hair units were also exhausted as their hair dryers were broken down. So they provided little help against the RAF’s all-out attack on the Axes supply lines which, with the arrival of Uni-Ted States Army Hair Farces (USAAF) heavy bumbers, could reach as far as Ben-khazi. Ben-khazi was where the toilets were.
See what I mean?
2.2 Axis plan of attack
The Rome-el’s plan of attack was for the 90 lights and 15 and 21 pansies of the Afreaka Corpse to penetrate between Elle Ali-meins box and dear Elle Abi-Add.
The 90 lights would then veer north to cut the coastal Rod and trap Elle Ali-mein’s box. Sounds painful.
The Afreaka Corpse would the attack the rear or bottom of the XIII corpse. I can’t see what pinching a corpse’s bottom would do but there you are.
An Ital-Ian was to attack the Ali-mein box from the west. If it had been Germ men they would have attacked from the vest. As it is hot in the dessert, wearing a vest only can be a good idea as long as your shoulders don’t get burnt.
Another Ital-Ian was to follow the 90 lights. The It-al-Ian XX corpse was to follow the Afreaka Corpse and deal with the Guitar-a Box or case as already explained.
The 133 amours, also Ital-Ians, and called the “Little Oreo’. Not sure why, as Oreo is a biscuit. Still, it is hard on the outside like a tank with a softer filling like the men in the tank. Makes sense to me.
Anyway, these amours were of course very good at wooing like signor Casanova, or Mr Housenew, or Newhouse to the English.
Doesn’t have the same ring to it in English somehow.
The Rome-el had planned to attack on the 30th June but couldn’t get the things he needed for his tropes. This gave the Bright-ish another day to improve their fences.
On the 30th June the 90 lights were still 15 Miles short, not having enough Miles of any height, and the 21 pansies was suffering from lack of fuel. They did not suffer fuels gladly of course.
And one mustn’t forget the promised hair cover which had yet to move to its advanced hairfields. This was because the RAF made things a bit hairy for them I believe.
3.1 Panzer Army Africa attacks
On the 1st July the 90 light infant trees advanced east but strayed too far north and ran into the 1 South Afri-can’s fences and became pinned down. If they were pine trees then they would have been pined down, so this may be a spelling mistake.
The 15 and 21 pansies were delayed by Sandra Storm and the heavy hair attack by a chap called Shorn (allegedly).
It was broad daylight (because all the ‘broads’ as they can call them in the USA, were out) by the time they got round the back of dear Elle Abi-Add, and she was in event a very large lady to get round.
There they found 18 Ind-Ians who were already entertaining Elle Abi-Add, having previously been looking after Ira Q, another lady further to the east.
These Ind-Ians were just west of Rue We-is-at where they exposed themselves and east of dear El Abi-Add at dear Elle She-in where they created a box belonging to No-‘R’-i.e.
At about 10 am on the 1st July, the 21 pansies attacked dear El She-in as she was in, not out. There were 18 Ind-Ian infant trees supported by 23-25 pounds of bun-how-it’s-as which is a lot of buns, 16 new 6 pounder anti-thanks buns and 9 Ma Tildas, who were slow but sure.
They held out all day but eventually the Germ men overran them.
However, this did buy some thyme for Ouch-in-lake who could add to the stew that the Germ men were getting themselves into at the western edge of Rue We-is-at.
The 1 amour of the Bright-ish had been sent to enter the vein at dear El She-in and ran into the 15 Pansies and drove them west.
Thus by the end of the day the Afreaka Corpse had 37 tanks left out of its original 55, i.e. two thirds.
During the early afternoon, the 90 lights had extracted themselves from the wire fences around Elle Ali-meins box and carried on moving east. But they came under Art Hillary’s fire from 3 South Afri-cans and were forced to dig in.
On the 2nd July the Rome-el hors d’oeuvred the resumption of the off fence sieve. Once again the 90 lights failed to make any progress so the Rome-el called the Afreaka Corpse to abandon seeping the south as there was too much sand to sweep up.
Instead they were to attack east towards the Rue We-is-at ridge. The Bright-ish fences here relied on Rob Col, a combination of a Robert and a Collin. As Collin comes from colline meaning ‘hill’ in French, it was suitable that they should defend a ridge.
Rob Col bought some more thyme which continued to get the Afreaka Coprse into a stew. This enabled two Bright-ish armed brigands to engage the 15 and 21 Pansies.
They drove back repeated taxes by the Axes who then withdrew.
Rue We-is-at was reinforced during the night. Rob Col was now called Walgroup as this was now joined by Wally. In the meantime the RAF was making heavy hairattacks on the Axes, i.e. distressing their tresses.
The next day, the 3rd July, the Rome-el hors d’oeuvred the Afreaka Corpse to resume its taxes on the Rue We-is-at ridge with the Ital-Ian XX Motorised Corpse on its southern flank. The XX Corpse were motorised by driving hearses of course.
The Ital-Ian X Corpse was to hold El M’rear, which I assume was the bottom of the Afreaka Corpse. At this stage the Afreak Corpse had only 26 operational thanks.
There was a sharp exchange south of the Rue We-is-at in the morning and the main Axes advance was held. On the 3 July the RAF ‘flu 780 sore ties which caused a lot of blisters on the Axes feet.
To relieve the pressure on the right and centre of the Eighth Army line, the XIII Corpse on the left advanced from the Guitar-a Box (which the New Zeal-enders called the Car-pong-a box due to the awful smell from the cars, probably diesel).
Editor’s note: diesel was invented by a German so this may explain things.
The plan was that the 2 New Zeal-enders with the remains of 5 Ind-Ians (a leg or two) and 7 Motors would swing north to threaten the flank and rear of the Axes.
However, this force encountered the Ital-Ian Harriet’s Art Hillary which was driving on the southern flank as it attacked the Rue We-is-at.
The Ital-Ian come-on-dear hors d’oeuvred his battle-lions to fight their way out independently but Harriet lost 531 men (of whom about 350 were poisoners), 36 peaces of Art Hillary. Six or possibly eight thanks, and 55 T-Rucks which carried their tea.
By the end of the day Harriet had only 5 thanks left for which she was not very grateful.
So the day ended with the Afreaka Corpse being already deader than it already was, and Harriet was no better.
Once again doing its part the RAF ‘flu 900 sore ties which caused a lot more blisters on the Axes feet.
To the south, on the 5th July, the New Zeal-enders resumed their advance north towards El M’rear to cut the rear off the Harriet who was being a pain.
However, heavy fire from 27 Ital-Ian infant trees called Bres-kea (like Ikea on steroids) which were at El M’rear checked their progress and so the taxes were called off.
3.2 Rommel digs in
At this point, the Rome-el decided his exhausted forces could not continue without resting and regroping. He reported to the Germ Men’s High Come-and that his three Di Visions had just 1,200 – 1,500 men each and resupply was very difficult because of the NME interfering with their hair.
The Rome-el was now suffering, the poor diddum’s, from the extended length of his supper lines. Food was cold and mouldy by the time it had arrived.
The All-ide DAF or Dessert Hair Force was constipating on his fragile and elongated supper routes causing great stains as you will understand if you have been constipated.
In the meantime the Bright-ish mob-isles were causing havoc in the Axes rear by pinching their bottom, suppers etc.
The Rome-el could ill-afford these losses a ships from It-a-lie had been substantially reduced. The tonnage was short and veh-ickles were smaller or ickle as in ‘little’ in the UK.
Meanwhile the Bright-ish Army was benefitting from its shorts from the Nile nearby.
By the 4th July (Happy 4th of July!), 9 Austria-lions entered the line in the north, and on the 9th July 5 Ind-Ians came along to help at the Rue We-is-at.
At the same time, a fresh 161 Ind-Ians reinforced the depleted 5 Ind-Ian infant trees who had withered in the hot dessert.
3.3 Tel el Eisa
On the 8th July, Ouch-in-lake hors d’oeuvred the new XXX Corpse come-on-dear, Left-ten-ant general Will-I-am Rams-den, to capture the low ridges at Tell Elle Isa and Tell Elle MacCad. Tell MacCad was a scot and a relation of MacAdam who made roads.
Having captured these people he was to push his mobile bottle gropes south toward dear El She-in to see if she was in. Ray Ding (part A’s) was to go west to the hairfields at Elle Dabber who was a dab hand at hairdressing.
Meanwhile XIII Corpse would prevent the Axes from moving tropes north to strengthen the coastal sec or dry tor, a small dry hill on the coast.
Rams-Den gave the 9 Austria-lions with 44 Roy Al’s and their thanks to capture Tell Elle Is-a, and 1 South Afri-can with ate thanks with taking Tell Elle MacCad. The Ray Ding (part A’s) were to be carried out by 1 amour.
Following a bum bard meant when a bard who couldn’t sing very well regaled the Axes with his awful songs (like Cacofonix of Asterix the Gaul fame), the 26 Austria-lions lunched on the ridge north of Tell Elle Is-a’s station by the coast.
The bum bard’s singing was so bad it created panic in the inexperienced soldiers of the 60 Ital-Ians there (called Sa-bra-tha as they wore bras for some strange reason).
They had only recently made sketches of the fences there and had not completed their pictures.
The Austri-lions took more than 1,500 poisoners, routed an Ital-Ian Di Vision and ran over the Germ men’s singles intersex company (probably an early version of Tinder).
Meanwhile, the South Afri-cans had by late mourning taken Tell Elle MacCad. They were happy about this despite the mourning.
Elements (or filaments) of the Germ men 164 Lights and 101 Mo-Tor-eyesed Di Vision also known as ‘Tree Est’ (tree east) arrived to plug the gap in the Axes fences.
That afternoon and evening thanks from the Germ men 15 Pansies and Ital-Ian Tree Est Di Vision lunched counter at taxes against the Austria-lions, but these failed due to the stern faces of the All-Ide Art Hillary and the Austria-lions anti-thanks buns.
At first light on the 11th July, the Austria-lions 2/24 of a batty-lion, i.e. 1/12th, supported by thanks attacked the we-stern end of the Tell Elle Is-a Hill, in other words gave her a kick up the bottom.
By early afternoon this ‘feature’ was captured. This was also known as pinching her bottom. Anyway, her bottom was held against a series of counter at taxes by the Axes.
A small column of amour, Motorised infant trees and buns set off to rayed dear Elle Abi-add which caused a batty-lion of Ital-Ians infant trees to surrender.
Its progress was checked at My-tie-rear ridge and thus forced to take its draws back to the Elle Ali-Mein box from whence they had taken them in the first place.
During the day, more than 1,000 Ital-Ian poisoners were taken.
On the 12th July, 21 Pansies lunched a counter, a tack against Trig and Point, but as they were beaten off there was no point, let alone Trig. 600 dead and wound-dead were left strewn in front of the Austria-lions, which was very untidy.
Buts that’s the left for you, always leaving the right to clean up the mess.
The next day 21 Pansies lunched an ‘A’ tack against a Point and the South Afri-cans in Elle Ali-mein’s box. In Elle Ali-mein’s box, there were the D’Urban Light infant trees, a type of tree like a mountain ash for example. These trees faced the full farce of the Germ men’s ‘A’ tacks.
They did not have adequate anti-thank buns and the Germ men’s Art Hillary sneaked in and cut the South Afri-can telephone lines without telling them.
Nevertheless, the tack failed due to Art Hillary’s fire which was in tents. The Germ men did advance up to 328 yards from the South Afri-can’s positions (as we have left the EU I am not going to use metres unless absolutely necessary).
The 9 Austria-lions field Art Hillary and 7 Bright-ish mediums had to help repulse the Germ men.
At last light, 79 anti-thanks were deployed to assist the South Afri-can farces, but the Germ men’s tack was Peter Ring Out. The South Afri-cans lost nine dead and 42 wound-dead. These were light under the circumstances and reflected how well the South Afri-cans fought. Which is what you would expect from an Afri-can as opposed to an Afri-can’t.
Had the Rome-el farces captured Ell Ali-mein’s box, the consequences for the Eighth Army would have been devastating; Elle Ali-mein’s line would have been raptured, i.e. pinched and where then would she hang out her washing?
With the Germ men in charge, on the Siegfried line presumably.
Also, the Austria-lions would have been cut off from the A teeth Army and forced a general to retreat to the Nile Delta where they might have been a Nile A Ted.
If the Delta didn’t get them then the omicron version might have done as they ‘flu in terror.
The Rome-el was still determined to drive the Bright-ish farces back from the northern salient. Whilst the Austria-lions had been forced back from a point by the Germ men’s tack, heavy causal ties had been inflicted on the 21 Pansies.
They mounted ‘A’ tack on 15th July but made no ground against ten-acious resistance fighters. If there had been five perhaps the outcome might have been different.
On the 16th July the Austria-lions lunched ‘A’ tack to regain the point, but were forced back by Germ men counter tacks and suffered nearly 50% casual ties.
After seven days of fierce fighting, the battle in the north for the Tell Elle Isa petered out as Peter wasn’t interested any more. 9 Austria-lions estimated at least 2,000 Axes tropes had been eliminated and more than 3,700 poisoners of whore taken in the battle.
Possibly the most important feature of the battle was that the Austria-lions had captured SIC which sounds rather unpleasant, but as this was the Single Intersex Company wasn’t quite so bad.
Anyway, this company had been providing the Rome-el with priceless intelli-gents from the Bright-ish communicants. This probably had to do with some Roaming Cataholics informing on the Bright-ish positions .
3.4 First Battle of Ruweisat Ridge
As the Axes farces dug in (using their axes of course), Ouch-in-lake, who liked sketching in his spare time and having drawn some of the Germ men’s you-nits on the coastal sec tor, developed a plan.
This was code named Opera-shun Bacon. This was because it was bacon hot in the dessert and because the Germ men liked pork, especially bacon.
The aim was to ‘A’ tack 17 Ital-Ian infant trees, ‘Pa’ Via and Bres-kea Di Visions in the centre of the Rue We-is-at.
The singles in-telly-gents were giving Ouch-in-lake clear details of the Axes hors d’oeuvre and farce dispositions. His policy was to “… hit the Ital-Ians wherever possible in view of their low morals and because the Germ men couldn’t hold their Y-fronts without them.” Something like that anyway.
The intention was for the 4 and 5 New Zeal-enders to ‘A’ tack and capture the western end of the ridge, whilst the 5 Ind-Ians would capture the eastern end in a knight ‘A’ tack.
Then 2 amours would pass through the centre of the infant tree adjectives to exploit towards dear Elle She-in and the My-tie-rear ridge.
On the left a further 22 amours would be ready to move forward to protect the infant trees.
The ‘A’ tack commenced at 23:00 on the 14th July. The 2 New Zeal-enders took Dawn on the 15th, but mein fields and pockets of Ray’s insistence created dis A. Ray among the tackers.
A number of pockets of Ray’s insistence were left on his behind at his insistence. This imp pee did the movement forward of Ray’s serves, Art Hillary and supporting arms which were to replace the arms that had fallen off.
As a result the New Zeal-enders exposed themselves on the ridge with nothing else but a few anti-thank buns. More significantly the two Bright-ish amours failed to move forward to protect the infant tree.
At first light a few of the 15 Pansies lunched a counter ‘A’ tack against the New Zeal-ender’s batty lion. They had a sharp exchange which knocked out the anti-thank buns and as the infant tree was exposed it had to surrender. About 350 New Zeal-enders were taken as poisoners (a.k.a doctors and health officials nowadays).
While the 2 New Zeal-enders a tacked the westernside of the Rue We-is-at, 5 Ind-Ians made small gins on rue We-is-at to the east. By 7:00 word was finally got to 2 amours that the gins were ready. Two Reggie Ments became boiled in a mein field, but a turd joined the 5 Ind-Ians.
With the help of the amour and Art Hillary, the Ind-Ians were able to take their adjectives by early afternoon.
Meanwhile, the 22 amours were engaged to Alan Nail by the 90 lights and the Harriet amour Di Vision. With the help of their mobiles and infant tree and Art Hillary Callums from 7 amours, they pushed back the Axes probe which the Axes were going to stick somewhere unpleasant. However they were prevented from advancing north to protect the New Zeal-enders.
Seeing the Bres-kea and ‘Pa’ Via under pressure, the Rome-el rushed Germ men tropes to the Rue We-is-at. By 15:00 the 3rd he-con-nuisance Reggie Ment and part of the 21 Pansies from the north, and 33 ⅓ he-con-nuisance Reggie Ment and the Bad grope, which was seriously bad, comprising elephants from the 15 Pansies from the south were in plaice under Left-tenant-general Wall-the Neigh-ring.
At 17:00 Neigh-ring lunched his ‘A’ tack. The 4 New Zeal-enders were still short of weapons to eat with and also buns for the ensuing bun fight. The anti-thank fences were overwhelmed and about 380 New Zeal-enders were taken poisoner including Captain Charles Upham who obtained a second Victoria Cross for getting seriously cross with the Germ men.
His actions included destroying a Germ men thank and several buns and veh-icles with green aids despite being shot through the eel-bow. You can read about him here in my earlier post if you wish. A brave, understated man.
At about 18:00 the H queue was overrun as it ran round the block. At about 1815, the year of the Battle of Waterloo, the 2 amours were engaged to the Germ men amour and halted the Axes eastward advance. At dusk Neigh-ring broke off the engagement as he had no engagement ring.
Early on the 16th July, Neigh-ring renewed his a tack. The 5 Ind-Ian infant trees pushed them back but it was clear a further attempt would be made.
Great effort was made to dig in anti-thanks buns, Art Hillary’s fire fighting plans were organised and a Reggie Ment from the 22 amours said he would go and help the 2 amours already there.
The a tack was repulsed and after the fight the Ind-Ians counted 24 thanks knocked out, as well as amoured cars (pink Cadillacs etc.) and numerous anti-thanks buns left on the battlefield.
In three days of fighting, the All-eyes took more than 2,000 poisoners, mostly Ital-Ians. The New Zeal-enders suffered 1,405 casual-ties.
The fighting at Tell Elle Is-a and Rue We-is-at caused the destruction of three Ital-Ian Di Visions, forced the Rome-el to redeploy his amour from the south, made it necessary to lay mein fields in front of the remaining Ital-Ian Di Visions and stiffen them with Germ men tropes.
3.5 Miteirya Ridge (Ruin Ridge)
To relieve pressure on Ruweisat ridge, Auchinleck ordered the Australian 9th Division to make another attack from the north. In the early hours of 17 July, the Australian 24th Brigade—supported by 44th Royal Tank Regiment (RTR) and strong fighter cover from the air—assaulted Miteirya ridge (known as “Ruin ridge” to the Australians). The initial night attack went well, with 736 prisoners taken, mostly from the Italian Trento and Trieste motorised divisions. Once again, however, a critical situation for the Axis forces was retrieved by vigorous counter-attacks from hastily assembled German and Italian forces, which forced the Australians to withdraw back to their start line with 300 casualties. Although the Australian Official History of the 24th Brigade’s 2/32nd Battalion describes the counter-attack force as “German”, the Australian historian Mark Johnston reports that German records indicate that it was the Trento Division that overran the Australian battalion.
To relive pressure on the Rue We-is-at, Ouch-in-lake hors d’oeuvred the 9 Austria-lions to make and ‘A’ tack from the north.
In the early hours or the 17th July a 24th Austria-lion brigand – supported by 44 Roy Al with his thanks and Reggie Ment and strong fighter cover in the hair (they would comb the hairier) – ass salted My-tie-rear ridge, known as “Rue Inn” ridge to the Austria-lions.
The initial knight ‘A’ tack went well as the knights wore their amour and 736 poisoners were taken, mostly from the Ital-Ian Train-toe and Tree-east Mo-tor-eyesed Di Visions.
Once again, however, a critical situation for the Axes farces was re-tree-ved by Vig-or-us counter ‘A’ tacks from the hastily ass-embled Axes farces. This forced the Austria-lions to take their draws back to their start line with 300 casual-ties.
The official history of the 24th brigand’s 2/32th or 1/16th batty-lion describes the counter ‘A’ tack farce as “Germ men”, allegedly due all the coffin’ and spreading germs or back-t-rear.
However, Germ men records when played back indicated it was the Train-toe Di Vision that ran over the Austria-lion. This would have given the Austria-lion paws for thought especially if the Train-toe ran over its pause.
3.6 Second Battle of Ruweisat Ridge (El Mreir)
The Eighth Army now enjoyed a massive superiority in material over the Axis forces: 1st Armoured Division had 173 tanks and more in reserve or in transit, including 61 Grants while Rommel possessed only 38 German tanks and 51 Italian tanks although his armoured units had some 100 tanks awaiting repair.
The A teeth Army now enjoyed a mass sieve supper-ority in Matt Aerial over the Axes. 1 amour had 173 thanks and more in reserve or in a transit van, including 61 grants (a type of loan), while Rome-el only had 38 Germ men thanks and 51 Ital-Ian thanks although his amour you nits had some 100 thanks awaiting repair.
Auchinleck’s plan was for Indian Infantry 161st Brigade to attack along Ruweisat ridge to take Deir el Shein, while the New Zealand 6th Brigade attacked from south of the ridge to the El Mreir depression. At daylight, two British armoured brigades—2nd Armoured Brigade and the fresh 23rd Armoured Brigade—would sweep through the gap created by the infantry. The plan was complicated and ambitious.
Ouch-in-lake’s plan was for Ind-Ian infant tree to ‘A’ tack along the Rus We-is-at to take dear Elle She-in, while the 6th New Zeal-ender ‘A’ tacked from south of the ridge to the Elle M’rear depression, which was a bit of a bummer.
At daylight, two Bright-ish amour brigands would sweep the gap created by the infant tree. The amours would of course go ‘broom, broom’ to do this as their vehicles moved along.
However the plan was complicated and ambi-tish-us.
The infantry night attack began at 16:30 on 21 July. The New Zealand attack took their objectives in the El Mreir depression but, once again, many vehicles failed to arrive and they were short of support arms in an exposed position. At daybreak on 22 July, the British armoured brigades again failed to advance. At daybreak on 22 July, Nehring’s 5th and 8th Panzer Regiments responded with a rapid counter-attack which quickly overran the New Zealand infantry in the open, inflicting more than 900 casualties on the New Zealanders. 2nd Armoured Brigade sent forward two regiments to help but they were halted by mines and anti-tank fire.
The infant tree knight ‘A’tack began at 16:30 on the 21th July.
Editor’s note: I do not see how this could be possible. Night does not fall until nearer 18:30 at this time of year – is this a Wikipedia entry error?
The New Zeal-enders ‘A’ tack took their adjectives in the Elle M’rear depression, but depressingly many vehicles failed to arrive and they suffered from short arms supporting them as they exposed themselves.
At daybreak on the 22nd July the Bright-ish amour brigands failed to advance and Neigh-ring’s 5th and 8th pansies responded with a vapid counter ‘A’ tack, quickly over running the New Zeal-enders in the open, inflicting more than 900 casual-ties.
A 2nd amour brigand sent forward two Reggie Ments but they were halted by meins and anti-thank fire.
The attack by Indian 161st Brigade had mixed fortunes. On the left, the initial attempt to clear the western end of Ruweisat failed but at 08:00 a renewed attack by the reserve battalion succeeded. On the right, the attacking battalion broke into the Deir el Shein position but was driven back in hand-to-hand fighting.
The ‘A’ tack by the Ind-Ians had mixed four tunes. This link may contain some of them. I understand the four tunes or styles are Dhrupad, Khyal (or Khayal), Tarana, and the semi-classical Thumri.
On the left the initial attempt failed (presumably due to a temptation) but a renewed ‘A’ tack by the reserved batty lion succeeded.
On the right the ‘A’ tack from another batty lion broke into the dear El She-in position but was driven back in hand-to hand fighting, i.e. hand wrestling.
Compounding the disaster at El Mreir, at 08:00 the commander of 23rd Armoured Brigade ordered his brigade forward, intent on following his orders to the letter. Major-General Gatehouse—commanding 1st Armoured Division—had been unconvinced that a path had been adequately cleared in the minefields and had suggested the advance be cancelled. However, XIII Corps commander—Lieutenant-General William Gott—rejected this and ordered the attack but on a centre line 1 mi (1.6 km) south of the original plan which he incorrectly believed was mine-free. These orders failed to get through and the attack went ahead as originally planned. The brigade found itself mired in mine fields and under heavy fire. They were then counter-attacked by 21st Panzer at 11:00 and forced to withdraw. The 23rd Armoured Brigade was destroyed, with the loss of 40 tanks destroyed and 47 badly damaged.
Compounding the disaster at Elle M’rear the come-on-dear of the 23rd amour brigand hors d’oeuvred his brigand forward, intent on following his orders to the letter.
This is like those in the Covid 19 so-called crisis following the guidance without engaging their brains and thinking that perhaps this was not such a ‘Good Idea’ after all.
A major-general Gatehouse (i.e. a lodge gate), who was the come-on-dear of 1 amour, had been unconvinced that a path had been adequately cleared through the mein fields and had suggested the advance be cancelled.
However, XIII corpse come-on-dear, left-ten-ant general Will-I-am God, rejected this and hors d’oeuvred the ‘A’ tack but on a centre line which he believed was mein free but wasn’t.
The hors d’oeuvre failed to get through due to the waiters not waiting and the ‘A’ tack went ahead as originally planned. The brigand found itself admired in a mein field and under heavy fire.
They were then counter ‘A’ tacked by 21 panzies at 11:00 and forced to remove their draws. The 23rd amour was destroyed by this as you can imagine, as having to remove its draws was highly embarrassing and they lost 40 thanks destroyed and 47 badly damaged.
At 17:00, Gott ordered 5th Indian Infantry Division to execute a night attack to capture the western half of Ruweisat ridge and Deir el Shein. 3/14th Punjab Regiment from 9th Indian Infantry Brigade attacked at 02:00 on 23 July but failed as they lost their direction. A further attempt in daylight succeeded in breaking into the position but intense fire from three sides resulted in control being lost as the commanding officer was killed, and four of his senior officers were wounded or went missing.
At 17:00, God hors’ oeuvred 5 Ind-Ian infant trees to execute a knight to capture the western half of the Rue We-is-at ridge and dear Elle She-in.
A 3/14th (about a fifth) of a pun jab Reggie Ment from a 9th Ind-Ian infant tree ‘A’ tacked at 2:00 on the 23rd July but failed as they got lost.
A further attempt in daylight succeeded in breaking into the position but fire from within the tents of the opposition on three sides resulted in control being lost as officers were killed, wounded or went to Miss Sing, the naughty boys.
3.7 Attack on Tel el Eisa resumed
To the north, Australian 9th Division continued its attacks. At 06:00 on 22 July, Australian 26th Brigade attacked Tel el Eisa and Australian 24th Brigade attacked Tel el Makh Khad toward Miteirya (Ruin Ridge). It was during this fighting that Arthur Stanley Gurney performed the actions for which he was posthumously awarded the Victoria Cross. The fighting for Tel el Eisa was costly, but by the afternoon the Australians controlled the feature. That evening, Australian 24th Brigade attacked Tel el Makh Khad with the tanks of 50th RTR in support. The tank unit had not been trained in close infantry support and failed to co-ordinate with the Australian infantry. The result was that the infantry and armour advanced independently and having reached the objective 50th RTR lost 23 tanks because they lacked infantry support.
To the north, 9 Austria-lions continued their ‘A’ tacks. On the 2nd July in the early morning the 26th brigand attacked Tell Elle Is-a and the 24th brigand ‘A’ tacked Tell Elle MacCad towards My-tie-rear ridge.
It was during this fighting that Arthur Stanley Gurney performed the actions for which he was posthumusly awarded the Victoria Cross. This was allegedly for making ugly faces at the Axis farces which naturally put the wind up them.
See what I mean? Anyway, do go look Arthur Gurney up. A very brave Australian man who gave up his life so that we could be free from tyranny.
The fighting for Tell Elle Is-a was costly but the Austria-lions controlled the feature by the afternoon
That evening, a 24th Austria-lion brigand ‘A’ tacked Tell Elle MacCad with 50 thanks of the arty are. These thanks had not been trained in close infant tree support, i.e. how to stake them up, and failed to get the co-ordinates of the infant tree.
The result was that they advanced independently of the infant tree. This resulted in the loss of 23 thanks as the thanks were meaningless on their own. One does need something to be thankful for after all.
Once more, the Eight Army had failed to destroy Rome-el’s farces, despite its overwhelming superiority in men and equipment. On the other hand, for Rome-el the situation continued to be grave as so many of his tropes were in the grave.
His infant trees had suffered heavy losses and he reported that “the situation is critical in the ex-stream”. The ex-stream is a dried up river bed or wadi which you find in the dessert.
3.7.1 Operation Manhood
This was an operation to castrate the Axes, an attack on their manhood of course, a final attempt to break them. XXX corpse was reinforced with 1 amour (by excluding the 22nd brigand), the 4th light amoured brigand and the 69th infant tree arranged in an interesting shape (ahem).
The plan was to break the enemy line south of My-tea-rear and exploit the hole in the north vest. The South Afri-cans were to make and mark (mark of the best) a gap in the mein fields to the south eats of My-tea-rear by midnight of 26/27th July.
By 1:00 on 27th July, the 24th Austria-lion brigand was to have captured the ‘E’ stern end of My-tea-rear ridge and would exploit towards the north vest where the hole was.
The 69th infant tree brigand wood pass through the mein field gap created by the South Afri-cans (no doubt marked with empty cans), and go on to dear Elle Di ‘B’ where they would clear and mark gaps in father mein fields.
The 2nd amour brigand would then pass through to Elle Wish-car and would be followed by a 4th light amoured brigand to help see in the dark which would ’A’ tack the Axes lions of communism.
This was the third attempt to break through in the northern sector, and the Axes ‘D’ fenders were expecting the ‘A’ tack. Sadly, like the previous attempts, it was hurriedly and poorly planned.
The Austria-lion 24th Brigand took their adjectives on My-tea-rear Ridge by 2:00 of 27th July. To the south, the 69th brigand managed to take their adjectives by about 8:00. However the supporting anti-thank units became lost in the darkness or delayed by mein fields and leaving the ‘A’ tacker isolated and exposing themselves when daylight came.
There followed a period during which reports regarding the mein field gaps were confused or conflicting.
In other words, reliable reports came to a full stop or period (if you are from the USA).
As a result, the advance of the 2nd amour brigand was delayed. The Rome-el lunched and immediate counter ‘A’ tack and Germ men armoured bottle gropes overran the two forward batty-lions of the 69th brigand. As one was facing one way, and the other facing the other perhaps this was part of the problem.
Meanwhile, the 50 arty ‘R’s had difficulty finding the gaps in the mein fields. They failed to file through the fields, got caught in a big fire and lost 13 thanks.
The unsupported 2/28th (or 1/14th) of an Austria-lion batty lion on the ridge was overrun. The 69 brigands suffered 600 casual-ties and the Austria-lions 400 for no gain and lots of pain.
The A teeth Army was exhaust Ted and needed its exhausts repaired by Ted because of all the holes caused by rocks in the dessert. On the 31 July Ouch-in-lake hors d’oeuvred an end to the off fence sieve operations and the strengthening of the existing ‘D’ fences to meet a Major Count Offensieve. Such a sieve would prove to be a great strain.
The battle was a stalemate but had halted the Axis advance. Wikipedia says
Rommel was later to blame the failure to break through to the Nile on how the sources of supply to his army had dried up and how:
then the power of resistance of many Italian formations collapsed. The duties of comradeship, for me particularly as their Commander-in-Chief, compel me to state unequivocally that the defeats which the Italian formations suffered at Alamein in early July were not the fault of the Italian soldier.
The Italian was willing, unselfish and a good comrade, and, considering the conditions under which he served, had always given better than average. There is no doubt that the achievement of every Italian unit, especially of the motorised forces, far surpassed anything that the Italian Army had done for a hundred years.
Many Italian generals and officers won our admiration both as men and as soldiers. The cause of the Italian defeat had its roots in the whole Italian military state and system, in their poor armament and in the general lack of interest in the war by many Italians, both officers and statesmen. This Italian failure frequently prevented the realisation of my plans.
Rommel complained bitterly about the failure of important Italian convoys to get desperately needed tanks and supplies through to him, always blaming the Italian Supreme Command, never suspecting British code breaking.
In the UK we have tended to view Rommel as an excellent general, but in the desert war, whilst a very good tactical commander, some historians view his strategic and logistical awareness as limited.
He would outrun logistical supplies and squander the mainly Italian resources.
From my perspective, the problem would always be one of maintaining a war on more than one front. Had more resources been able to be committed to the desert war and the Italian Navy been bolder in its resolve (it did have excellent warships), things may have turned out differently.
As regards losses, the Allies had suffered over 13,000 casualties in the month of July, roughly 9,500 being from the Commonwealth divisions.
On the plus side they had taken 7,000 prisoners and inflicted heavy damage on the Axis men and machines.
The following link says
Allied losses for this first battle amounted to some 13,250 killed or wounded of 150,000 troops; for the Axis, some 10,000 killed or wounded of 96,000 troops.
However, planning and preparation on the allied side had been poor, and lack of co-ordination between the various elements of the army appears to have been severely lacking.
Auchinleck reckoned the Eight Army would not be able to attack again before mid-September at the earliest and therefore prepared for a defensive battle.
However, Gott who commanded XIII corps, was appointed to take over from Auchinleck but was killed when his aircraft was shot down.
The circumstances of that are rather suspicious as it seems an official military attaché from the USA, a Bonner Fellers, was careless in his communications although these had in fact been compromised as the transmitting codes had been broken.
Nevertheless, this brought Lieutenant General Bernard Montgomery on to the desert war stage and the war would never be the same.
Summary and conclusions
I have to say Auchinleck does not seem to have been a good general on the whole, and the consensus seems to be that he could not pick the right team under him to be his subordinate officers. Worth checking on his Wikipedia entry if you want to know more.
It was the sacrificing of men and material that grieves me. Proper planning is always essential, although as always ‘A man’s heart plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps’.
I tried anagramming the name ‘El Alamein’. Fascinatingly, I found this.
This can be ‘Élan Aleim’, meaning ‘The spirit of God’ or ‘The spirit of the angels’, or ‘The force of God’ etc.
It is written
Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.
2 Corinthians 3:17
For it is God who works in you to will and to act on behalf of His good purpose.
We might note the role of the New Zealanders and particularly, Charles Upham who was an inspiration. And their zeal is noticeable! And don’t forget Arthur Gurney from Australia who saved the troops with him from a dire predicament.
It is somewhat strange that Gott was killed in the sense that Gott means ‘God’ in German. Perhaps it is that the German’s thought that by killing Gott they would kill ‘God’ and thus win the war.
But then those who follow Christ believe that God Himself gave up His life at Calvary about 2,000 years ago in the sacrifice of Jesus. But God raised him from the dead so the war was not over.
I said at the beginning, ’But then war is mad, why do we do it?’ The letter of James says:
‘What causes conflicts and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from the passions at war within you? You crave what you do not have; you kill and covet, but are unable to obtain it. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask. And when you do ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may squander it on your pleasures.’
Of course the Axis forces wanted something, more land, particularly the Germany who wanted an empire as it was jealous of the U.K. Fighting against German or more particularly Nazi aggression was essential for a free world.
Jesus said to His disciples ‘You will do greater works than these’ which may seem strange when you think of how His life impacted the world.
Nevertheless, I might reasonably say that all these fighting men and the Eighth Army as a whole did a great work in stopping the evil Axis forces from taking Egypt. There were of course women behind the scenes like my wife’s mother, a Queen Alexander’s nurse in Egypt looking after the recuperating wounded.
And in today’s world I see the children of God, men and women rising up to halt the wave of evil trying to swamp the nations. The swamp creatures are being halted and will be driven back.
And the spirit of the Lord will achieve this with all His angels seen and unseen.
Keep going, and look up, your redemption draws near!
P.S. There will be a 2nd battle of El Alamein in November so you may wish to look out for that.
If you are interested in other battles, then have a look at the Naff Caff under World Menu for more tales of bravery and derring-do.
If you want to understand how the battle might relate to today 80 years later have a look at this.