Wine List

27th August 2020

What is a good meal without wine? Certainly not in France. Ok, so not at breakfast or petit déjeuner as the French call it.

Anyway, we thought it about time that a wine list was drawn up. So here you are. I have used the old spelling ‘whine’.

English Whine

‘I Don’t Like Sprouts!’ – recommended at Christmas time, goes well with turkey. Quite a strong whine.

Mustn’t Grumble – A gentle wine, suitable with puddings such as fruit crumble.

Why has Brexit taken so Long? – More and more people coming to appreciate this whine. However, there are many it seems who will never like it, and would rather it (Brexit) had never been thought of. We like it though.

My Hair’s a Mess – Generally suitable with game, such as venison, rabbit, pheasant and pigeon (or hare of course).

I mention the following which we don’t provide. You can bring your own bottle if you must.

They’re not Wearing Masks! – Currently enjoyed in certain circles, particularly those in the media. Appropriate in sandstorms or dusty building works.

The NHS doesn’t have Enough Money! – As we aim to get people healthy free of charge, we think this inappropriate to serve. Made by Bollux (A spin off from Bollinger). And there’s an awful lot of Bollux around. Or a lot of awful Bollux around. Both are true.

French Whine

Super Chiant – A top notch whine, related to Italian whine (Chianti).  People enjoy this while listening to music such as rap. A sharp acidic hint, like vitamin C. So absolutely ‘c’ rap.

See ingredients for more information on ‘C’ rap.

Le Bordel – Means the brothel, which is of course broth-el, or ‘soup of the angel’ (broth means soup in English). I don’t need to tell you what it goes with.

Crève de Soif – Most appropriate when you need a thirst quenching drink. Not too alcoholic.

Assommant – To be honest, not very interesting, but some people like it. A very dull whine in my books.

J’en ai Marre de ces Grèves! Toujours la Grève! – Very strong whine. Grève is strike. Three glasses of this and you will be asleep. So three strikes and you’re out (like a light).

If you drink too often, this can lead to an early Grève and you will die.

Tu m’Emmerdes avec tes Questions – As rather strong, this whine best drunk shitting down (if you are Shorn Connery) or sitting down if not.

Champagne – From the country, or ‘campagne’ in French. Pronouced ‘shampain’ by the English. Sham means ‘fake’ in English, so perhaps not from the country after all.

But ‘pain’ is bread in French and ‘fake bread’ is not a whine. Or perhaps it is. ‘C’est Champagne, n’est pas?’ might be said. If it is not fake bread then it must be a whine. If you are as confused as I am, try something else.

I gather Chawn Connery likes champagne (as opposed to others who prefer ‘la campagne’ like I do).

German Whine

Glühwein or Gluehwein – Really a mulled whine, something to drink whilst you are mulling over what to eat. So if you are stuck for what to select (it’s in the name), this is a good all-rounder.

Schwein – Means pig, so goes well with pork generally.

Schweinchen – Means little pig, so recommended with pork cutlets.

Schweinebacke – Means fat bastard (mistranslated from fat basted), so excellent with fatty meats generally, and of course with roasts.

Schweinegeld – Literally pig gold. A highly prized whine. Also called ‘The Bankers have all the Gold’.

Schweinemast – As in ‘This is pig food’. We find sailors like this, after a day’s sailing.

Schweinepriester – I don’t enjoy this myself, but clergymen seem to particularly partial to it.

Schweinigelei – Means pig jelly, a sweet whine so suitable with desserts.

Schweinsblase – Related to a French whine, Blasé. Therefore considered suitable for anything, really. I’m not bothered. Whatever.

Schweinsgalopp – A whine for drinking quickly as its after taste is not that good.

The following we never serve, but you might like to be aware of it (and avoid it).

Schweinearbeit – Means pig work, or dirty work. There is plenty of it about.

Schweinhund – Goes with dog meat. Some countries do eat dog meat and will drink this whine.

Schweinigel – This is not a whine for drinking, so much as a hand sanitiser derived from a cheap whine (should be Schweini Gel). But smells off, so not considered suitable even for that.

Schwei means ‘Sweat’ in German. Nigel* is a man’s name. ‘Sweaty Nigel’ so you can see why it smells bad. 

*Please note we have nothing against Nigels. Blame the Germans for making up this whine’s name.

Italian Whine

Quella Persona Puzza – Suitable with strong or smelly cheeses (puzza means ‘stinks’). Can be tried with pizzas. Puzza pizzas. Pizzas with smelly cheese on top, such as Taleggio.

Il Mio Capo è Fastidioso – Enjoyed mostly by work outings when the boss (capo) can’t make it. Fastidioso means ‘annoying’, but better translated as ‘Fast becoming an idiot’.

È Troppo Caro – An expensive whine. Suitable for treating your beloved on your wedding anniversary.

Spanish Whine

Esa Persona Apesta – Very similar bouquet to Quella Persona Puzza. Often used with pesto. Usually served to people behind their backs when they are not looking.

Mi Jefe es Molesto – Favoured by a secretary being taken out for a meal by her employer (jefe means boss). Keeps unwanted hands on the other side of the table.

Australian Whine

I considered listing what is available. However, I think Monty Python came up with an excellent list. I suspect ‘tho they should all be avoided like the plague.

Or like Covid 19, although that is the ‘flu, not the plague, despite what some people think (if thinking is what they are doing, which seems highly debatable).

Anyway, here’s a link.

http://www.montypython.net/scripts/austwine.php

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