By Baldmichael Theresoluteprotector’sson
3rd September, 2020
There is a well-known song which Perry Como sang written by Irving Gordon called ‘Delaware’. It puns on several U.S. states names. You can find it here.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NztfOSyCCFM
There are other versions around, and certainly useful to help memorise at least some of the names of the 50 states.
Whilst I am not singing the following, I thought I could add my pennies worth to the current pundemic. I hope you enjoy it, whether you are from the states or not. It may even contain some truth, you never know.
Alabama – Named after the muslin God Alah, and after the O’Bama family who came here having emigrated from Ireland.
Its oldest city is mobile apparently, but where it moves to nobody knows. There are rumours it visits trailer parks across the state.
Its most famous resident was Leonard Skinhard, so named as his hands were coarsened by the picking of cotton without gloves. He would often sing softly to himself of his sweet home, Alabama.
Alaska – You can get baked in Alaska allegedly, especially in the middle, although I scream at this, as surely it is very cold in the centre. Me, I harangue the exterior which makes the dessert (sic)-like conditions more favourable.
A nickname is ‘The last front ear’. Presumably because the other ear fell off due to frostbite in the very cold winters.
Arizona – The Spanish who came here called it ’arry’s zona’ as Harry was a local tough guy. If the Spanish didn’t say it was his, he would beat them up, or worse.
Contains the Grand Onion, so called due to the layers of exposed rocks, and because it is so amazing it brings tears to the eyes. That’s the Most High for you.
Arkansas – So named because when the first settlers came they thought it was Kansas and said ‘Ah, Kansas’. But it wasn’t, it was a bit further up on the left on the map.
However, scholars disagree. Some say it should be ‘Ah can saw’, as the first settlers found woodland they could cut to make new homes.
There are a few who suggest that it is from ‘ark and S.A.S’. It is suggested that the ‘Special Air Service’ built a boat, or ark, on the Mississippi to ferry people across on their journey west.
It may be possible, but that doesn’t make much sense as that would be a special boat service, rather than a special air service.
California – Home of Fornication, its main industry. The Cali bit comes from Kali, the Hindu goddess, who was one of the Tantric Sects. She was hot stuff apparently, which is why we have calorific etc.
The industry is not liked by everyone. The fault frequently gets put on San Andreas, although why he should be responsible I don’t know. Perhaps he was a roaming Catholic.
Its main area of forest is known as Holly Wood. Rather prickly as you might imagine. You have to be careful how you move around if you go in, as there are a lot of pricks about (on the leaves of course).
Colorado – Its main export is Colorado springs, a type of jumping device you can attach to your feet. Attempts are regularly made to jump over the nearby rocks or rockies, as they are affectionately known.
Not to be confused with the rookies, which are baby birds (small rooks) of the corvid family.
Not to be confused with the Covid family. These are obese Americans who have gone down with the ‘flu. They are stupid.
As the saying goes ‘For the lack of knowledge the people perish.’ And they are perishing idiots.
Connecticut – Not much sense in the name as, if you are going to connect something, why then cut it?
The state well-known for lock making at Yale, New Haven (you may have heard of Yale locks). These, however, are of the canal kind, necessary to help connect to the interior of the state and neighbouring Massachusetts.
N.B. a canal is a ‘cut’, so this could be the real reason behind the state’s name.
Delaware – Not as Perry Como supposed, but related to Del Boy of ‘Only fools and Horses’, a British sitcom. Del was always ‘aware’ of an opportunity.
I see the World Championship Punkin Chunkin festival is held here. I understand they see how far they can ‘shoot’ pumpkins. Good practice I suppose for prospective employees of NASA.
And goes to show the yanks can be as mad as the Brits when it comes to wacky sports. Which I consider good for the special relationship.
A stretch of good sandy beach seems to make for a great escape from Washington D.C.
And, of course Joe Biden lives in the state. Still, you can’t have everything.
I see that the state has, amongst many state symbols, the state fossil. As it is always a good idea to update things, why not have Joe Biden as the new state fossil? He is after all of a good age, and can be found in thick deposits such as Demoncrat (sic) conventions.
Florida – Home to the Miami vice, a type of tool for gripping items you wish to secure before cutting etc. Invented by Florie’s dad or Florie’s da for short.
Also home to the Everblades, a minor league ice hockey team. It’s true. And I thought I could be funny with that. Never mind.
I see Alley Gators is taken too.
However, we mustn’t forget the Florida keys, which are made in the state to go with the Yale locks as referred to earlier.
Regular parties are held at Cape Carnival. I understand these always go like a rocket.
Georgia – Named after George II of Britain. As Georgia is a girl’s name this annoyed him.
Contains both Rome and Athens. Why go abroad when you have these great cities? Still, I imagine Italy and Greece might want them back. After all Elgin only took the marbles from the Parthenon, not the whole metropolis.
Brasstown Bald is the highest point, approaching 5,000 feet. Sounds like my kind of mountain. Perhaps I could have a hill named after me, call it Michael Bald.
Hawaii – ‘Ha why!’ is an expression you may hear. ‘Why should we leave here as it is so pleasant?’ Quite so.
Has a pearl harbour where the Japanese thought that the U.S.A’s battleships would look better if they were sitting with their keels on the bottom rather than floating.
This led to a small argument which the Americans eventually won. It was a sumo wrestling contest that decided it.
The US sent two men over to Japan. ‘Little boy’, as he was known by his nickname, did well, but it was ‘Fat boy’, the other, who clinched it. Weight is an important factor in sumo wrestling.
‘Fat boy’ should not be confused with Fat Boy Slim who wished to change his diet to her diet (whoever she was). He became known as ‘The Trans Fat’ as he crossed from one dresser containing his food to the other dresser containing her food. And so Fat Boy became Slim Boy, so worth the effort it seems.
Idaho – Ida was a lady of, shall we say, ill repute. She hung out in the saloons on the trails west. A ho is, well, you can look it up.
Idaho Joe seems to be a common name. Joe Biden has been there. The state is known for its potatoes, and a reputation for being backwards, a common slur on the rural populations by townsfolk. But then it is easier to hide in a town or city if you are dumb.
Joe Biden seems to have been infected by dumbness on his visits. Or it may be the other way round.
Illinois – From ‘ill in ois’. A mixture of English and French. Ois short for ‘oiseau’ meaning ‘bird’. The phrase eventually morphed into ‘sick as a parrot’. You can probably see why.
Its main business is called ‘Chic A Go’, haut-couture for the well-dressed lady. This may include Hillary Clinton apparently born and raised in the suburbs.
The state is said by Wikipedia to be currently a Demoncratic (sic) stronghold. The balance of power in what was a political swing state has shifted to this position more recently. The current Governor is JB Pritzker. He looks a large man so this would explain the shift in the balance.
But he should be careful as his weight is a risk factor in getting Covid19.
He has proclaimed on the 3rd March ‘…I find that a disaster exists within the State of Illinois and specifically declare all counties in the State of Illinois as a disaster area.’ As I have indicated earlier, the state is a Demoncratic (sic) stronghold, so this makes sense.
The state is said to have a history of political corruption. This may include Hillary Clinton apparently born and raised in the suburbs. But I think I am repeating myself.
Indiana – Apparently ‘she wants me but I can’t go back there’. Mind you, I have never been at all, so I can hardly go back, can I?
The name said to mean ‘Land of the Indians’. Except of course it isn’t any more as the colonists eventually took over the area and ‘ …Native American titles to Indiana lands were extinguished by usurpation, purchase, or war and treaty.’ according to Wikipedia.
I assume war and treaty means roughly ‘We have just beaten you up. If you don’t agree to our terms we will do it again.’
A resident in Indiania known as a Hoosier. The etymology of this word is disputed allegedly. Come on, it’s obvious. There are a lot of people in the State of Scottish origin. A ‘hoose’ is a house in Scotland. So a ‘Hoosier’ is a householder, someone with a house.
And don’t forget the problems you can have when there’s a ‘moose loose about the hoose’.
Iowa – Arose from the debts Italians on the trail west suffered at the hands of unscrupulous bankers. ‘How much do I owa you! was the Italians’ cry.
There is Sioux City. It sounds like it is the place where people bring civil actions against one another.
Atlantic is also a city in the state. Wikipedia says ‘…local legend tells that the founding fathers estimated that the town was about halfway between the Pacific Ocean and the Atlantic Ocean, so it led them to flip a coin and, clearly, Atlantic won.’
Why they didn’t call it Midpacificatlantic I don’t know. Or just Middletown as that would been shorter and still reasonably accurate. If you ask me the local legend came from the local drunk.
Kansas – So-called from the cowboys who sat around the campfire on their bottoms (arses) and ate beans from the tins (cans). Cans arses became Kansas. Easy really.
‘What would Jesus do?’ is a phrase from a book by Charles Seldon who had is home in the state. Well, above all Jesus told the truth whether people liked it or not, because He loved them. Speaking the truth in love.
If the truth was someone needed healing and they wanted it, He healed them. That’s what Jesus does, and true followers do.
He could speak with humour too, which the Bible translators miss. I will write more elsewhere.
And I’m sure He would like to sit round a campfire eating beans with the cowboys (or anybody who would listen to him – He’s worth listening to).
Whether, as a consequence of eating beans, He would suffer from the affliction that the cowboys had in Mel brooks film ‘Blazing Saddles’ is a moot point.
Kentucky – A well-known gentleman from down-under called Ken Tucker lived here. He loved his food (‘Tucker’ is food in Australia). As a consequence became obese. And vulnerable of course to Covid 19, or at least the equivalent back then, whenever it was.
He particularly liked fried chicken, cooked by his friend Collin ‘Nell’ Sanders.
It has the Ark Encounter, a life size version of Noah’s ark, although the remains of the real one can be seen from the air on Google Earth near Mount Ararat.
And Daniel Boone is famous for his exploration and settlement of the area. A real boon then.
Louisiana – Named apparently after Louis XIV of France by René-Robert Cavelier when he claimed the territory and called it La Louisiane. Much of the territory was low-lying swamp as it drains the great Mississippi river basin.
A swamp is a bog and a bog can be a toilet. And a toilet can be a loo. Louis XIV was not, despite the French attempts to focus on his sunny aspects, a good king. Louis can sound like ‘toilet is’ (loo-is), so I think perhaps René-Robert Cavelier was having his ‘petite blague’, or little joke, n’est ce pas?
The area struggles with poverty and crime, and suffers hurricanes and floods. Not a sensible place to live, at least on the low lying areas which are extensive.
And it is apparently known as ‘The prison capital of the world’. Oh dear.
Still, New Orleans is its most populous city and well-known for its Mardi Gras celebrations. Mardi Gras means ‘Fat Tuesday’ or really ‘Tuesday fat’. Both refer to a Miss Tuesday, who was rather large, and celebrated for her dancing and cuisine.
She used to do both together around her kitchen, and still manage to produce a culinary delight.
Maine – This was originally the English Maine as opposed to the Spanish Maine. English dropped when the states revolted against English rule.
You may occasionally hear people say ‘You are my Maine man’ when they meet.
People there can be known as Mainiacs. Which just goes to show they’re not German, as they must have a sense of humour.
There seems to be a town called Bristol in Maine, and not far off another called South Bristol. They both look pleasant places, worth a visit I’d say.
So go to Maine to see a nice pair of Bristols.
Maryland – Apparently named after Henry ate a Maria, wife of Charles I of England. Why the state wasn’t called Henrymaryland I don’t know. Perhaps it is a shortened version.
It has an odd outline compared to other states. But it doesn’t seem Charles’s wife was an odd shape, so they can’t have designed it after her.
Much of the state borders the Chesapeake Bay. As it is more of an estuary than a bay, I can’t think why they called it that. That’s Americans for you ‘tho. They call bonnets hoods and boots trunks, so why not estuaries bays?
Still, if you are going to revolt against the Mother Country, you need a reason to make yourselves different, so changing the words round helps.
Massachusetts – Named after the Gibb brothers who lived there. They had wonderful teeth, big and strong, as their father had a tooth paste company. They sang a song about it as an advertisement for the firm called ‘Massive chew sets’.
The state is famous for its tea parties, the best known being that thrown in the harbour of Boston, the capital.
And for its bands. As you walk through the city you will see signs to ‘Walk this way to the Air O’Smith’. I also have more than a feeling that if you don’t look back, you will have peace of mind and will be feeling satisfied at your visit.
Michigan – ‘Mich’ Egan, an Irish itinerant worker came here in the 1800’s.
The centre of the American automotive industry. A well-known make of car, the ‘Gerald’ Ford came from here. It had four of the five Great Lakes, which included Greg Lake who has sadly now died.
Minnesota – A diminutive lady, who liked her bourbon, or whiskey. She lived in Minneapolis which was a small town for people of similar size, with a small town mentality. The place is now rather a large town, really city, for larger people with a large town mentality.
Said to be a Demoncratic (sic) stronghold. So quite a lot of people with mental conditions must live there, and rather more than would seem evident at first sight.
The state is said to have voted for Demoncratic (sic) Presidents since 1960 except for Richard Nixon, a Republican. Well, we know about dear Dicky and ‘Dicks’ so that’s still consistent.
Will they vote for Joe Biden in upcoming Presidential election and prove that mental health has not improved? We’d better wait and see.
Mississippi – Or Mrs Hippy, after the rather large lady who frequented the paddle steamers on the river of the same name. She was broad in the beam as they say, hence the Americans use the term ‘Broads’ of ladies of similar girth.
Should not be confused with Mister Zippy the parrot who does his own blog.
https://misterzippyblog.wordpress.com/
The state had a significant impact on the development of the Blues. Which is somewhat strange seeing as it sided with the Confederates who were Gray.
And given segregation between the humans in the state because they were pinkish white or chocolate brown, this is also odd. After all if you are going to be Gray, this would be a mix of black and white, but that was not allowed for a long time.
Enough to give anybody the Blues.
Missouri – Many people here not very happy because of the extreme weather, so the state is known as ‘Misery’. Others dispute this, and say they just ‘miss the souris’ (French for ‘mice’).
Yet others say, no, no, it is ‘miss houri’ a dancing girl from the Mississippi steamers.
They all sound reasonable to me.
The state contains part of the Ozarks. This is where the Wizard of Oz was born. Rather like Moses he was put in an ark of bulrushes and floated down the White River to the Mississippi and the Gulf of Mexico.
From there he eventually made it to Australia (Oz) where his ability or ‘whizz’ to make things up won him acclaim amongst the natives. You can work out the rest.
Montana – Land of the monts (French), or mountains/hills in English. As perhaps only a third of it is that seems a bit strange. But better than calling it Flatana or Plainana I suppose.
Perhaps best known for the Battle of the Big and Little Horns. The argument arose over the U.S. army insisting the natives put Custard on their buffalo steaks. The natives thought this revolting, naturally.
In the end a one-to-one fight ensued. General Custard sounded his horn, whilst Mr Bull, sitting on his mad or crazy horse, sounded his.
Mr Bull won as his horn was louder and bigger.
Nebraska – Home to the centre of brassiere making, which is why you find ‘bras’ in the middle of the name.
Famous for its beach on the river Mississippi called Omaha Beach, where a bloody fight took place. Good American boys strove to remove the Nasties (sic) who had invaded from Germany (what they were doing there in the first place I don’t know).
There are of course a lot of people who trace their ancestry back to Germany living in the states. This might explain the U.S’s support for Germany after the war.
After all, if you have just destroyed much of Europe (and the U.K), murdered a few million people, and stolen some old paintings, you deserve a little help don’t you?
Nevada – This means ‘Snowy’. Sensible, as it is mountainous and has a lot of snow over much of the area in winter. Does not mean that Tintin’s dog was seen here, to my knowledge.
Known for Las Vegas. This is said to mean ‘The meadows’. I think this is optimistic. Vega could mean ‘Descending or falling eagles’ after Vega, the star in the night sky.
But Vega can mean bottom in Spanish. This makes sense. ‘The bottoms’ referring to the large bottoms that frequent the city to lose their wages gambling. There ought to be something better to do with one’s money surely?
Of course in Greek a ‘V’ can be a ‘B’ so Vegas could be Begas. Sounds like ‘big ass’. Big asses making big asses of themselves. Same difference.
New Hampshire – More recent than the old one back in England.
Interestingly, an area known for sap houses. These were places where sap from maple trees is converted into maple syrup. By saps presumably, or sapheads who left the sap too long which fermented and became alcoholic.
And sapheads were alcoholics which is stupid, as it saps your strength.
Sap houses also known as sugar shacks. Not to be confused with the love shacks, which is where the B52’s are kept (see later).
The notches are mountain passes in the north of the state. The best ones are called by the Spanish, who occasionally visit at night time, ‘Buenos notches’. The ‘t’ is silent.
New Jersey – Very necessary for the first settler’s from Europe who weren’t used to the cold winters and had come unprepared. Bartered with the native Indians for this woollen garment.
A Led Zeppelin is said to have crashed over Lakehurst, but as it was German I am not surprised.
There was a chap called Eddy, whose son had a light bulb moment and came up with lots of good ideas. It seems this is why the township of Edison is so-called.
The state doesn’t seem to have any great highlights. Except that Joe Biden lives in Delaware next door. As they say, always be thankful for small mercies.
New Mexico – Again, more recent than Old Mexico. Mexico was an oil company, and a rival decided to set up a new company across the border.
Petrol (gas if you are from the states) was needed to fuel the cars of the local people, the Mexies. Hence the Mexies cars, or Mexi’cas for short, could drive to and fro.
Its largest city is Albuquirky, which is a bit strange.
According to Wikipedia ‘The Spaniards had hoped to find wealthy indigenous Mexica (Aztec) cultures there similar to those of the Aztec (Mexica) Empire of the Valley of Mexico.’
This is presumably because, as the Spaniards were roaming Catholics, they hoped to steal borrow from the locals to make up for losses elsewhere. Fortunately for the locals it seems they weren’t wealthy.
It has the most amazing landscapes from rose coloured deserts to snow-capped peaks. Which just goes to show what the Most High can do with a few tons of water and His equivalent of a bucket and spade. And a lot of help from His angels.
New York – Not that good, so they only named it once, unlike the city of the same name. New York City is the largest city in the U.S. lying in a state. And given how many have died there from, with, by Covid 19 are we surprised? What a state to be in.
Still, if you have a governor who is a roaming Catholic and a Demoncrat (sic) what do you expect? There are rumours he is a closet raffia man (I hope I have that the right way round), and likes tying up deals in in this useful string.
The state includes Long Island. There is a village called Mastic Beach. This is named after Mastic Kate who used to live here. She was a great eater, as well as inventing a universal sealant.
Viagra Falls lies on the border with Canada. It is not far from Buffalo. It is said you can’t wash your hands in Buffalo. This may be because there are no bisons in which you can wash your hands, again so it is said.
It is however possible to wash your hands in the Viagra River which flows past the city.
Viagra is supposed to help things go up rather than down, but no one seems to have realised this when they named the falls, or indeed the river. If washing your hands in the falls or river helps things go up let me know.
North Carolina – Named after Charles I of England, the top half that is, as north is up. Charles rather annoyed as Carol was, and still is, a girl’s name.
The state is well-known for Orville the Duck, the first powered flight by a green duck in a nappy, piloted by Keith Harris.
The state capitol is Raleigh, named after Sir Walter who, you may remember, invented the bicycle. The city is consequently quite cycle friendly.
Cary is another city in the state. This gives money to the Arts & Media, known as the ‘Cary Grant’.
Krispy Kreme has its headquarters in the state. I have tried their doughnuts, or donuts as the Americans call them. Gonuts would be a better word; anybody who eats them must have gone nuts that’s for sure. I and others think they are revolting.
I would say they’re crap; krap the Dutch might say. So Krispy Kreme krap, or K.K.K.
A German investment company has acquired the firm more recently. Germany and the Nazis, now Germany and the K.K.K which is nasty. Nothing changes.
The K.K.K also means Koo Klucks Klan, a family of doves and chickens. You may notice them in their distinctive white plumage and tufts sticking out of their heads. It is rumoured they were bred by the Nazis, or that they are nasty. Perhaps both.
North Dakota – Part of the Great Planes, such as B17, B52’s (kept in a love shack), and the Boston Marauder.
The highest point is the White Butte. Other white buttes may be observed but not as a rule in public as this is frowned upon.
The state has not had a Demoncratic (sic) governor since George A. Sinner in the early 1990’s. His brother Richard ‘who became a Catholic priest, was later listed among Diocese of Fargo clergy who were accused of committing acts of sex abuse.’ according to Wikipedia.
Well, we are all sinners, but it seems in some families having a surname to remind you of this is helpful. Especially if your name is Richard as the name often seems to crop up with certain sinners (remember Richards can be Dicks).
Ohio – It has a motto ‘With God all things are possible’. Very sensible and true. It’s in the name too. From ‘Oh hi yo’. Yo is singular for y’all, and as God is the Most High to address Him you say ‘Oh High Yo’. The highest ‘You’ as it were.
I see Joe Biden has been to the state recently. Apparently he said “I spent the bulk of my adult life driving to an Amtrak station,” Biden said, as a helicopter hovered overhead. “It’s not as fast as a helicopter, but I made a lot of family friends on Amtrak.” This is from
Well Joe, I am sorry to hear you spent most of your adult life driving to an Amtrak station. Did you ever get there? Did you get the chance to eat or sleep? I just wondered that’s all.
I am so pleased you realise the Amtrak station is not as fast as a helicopter. Of course if the helicopter is on the ground, then in a race with the station, which would win? Perhaps you might advise me as I can be a bit slow on these matters.
I am glad you made a lot of family friends on Amtrak. Were you on the train or the track at the time, it’s a bit confusing? And were the family not friends before? I just wondered that’s all.
Anyway, I imagine Ohio must have places of interest. And it must be a boon that Joe Biden lives elsewhere.
Oklahoma – Another part of the Great Planes. And ‘where the wind comes sweeping down the plane’ according to Roger Hammerstone. Presumably the wind sweeps down the plane because the air hostess has served up beans to the passengers.
The name seems to have originated from the Italians coming from Iowa (see earlier) who said ‘Diss homa is ok-a.’
Wikipedia says ‘The state is home to the Storm Prediction Center, the National Severe Storms Laboratory, and the Warning Decision Training Division, all part of the National Weather Service and in Norman.’
I was initially confused as I thought it meant that the information these government agencies produce was in Norman French, an old language. Fortunately I see there is a place called Norman, so problem solved.
Wikipedia also says in Arapaho (a native language) the state is known as bo’oobe. Perhaps the people were a lot of boobies. Or perhaps they were all female and there were a lot of boobies. Any thoughts?
Oregon – Its quite simple, Ore Gone. Who pinched it that is the question? Probably disappeared in the Gold Rush. A song was written about it ‘Where has all the ore gone?’ Never made a hit unlike ‘Where have all the flowers gone?’
Ken Kesey grew up in the state and wrote ’One flew over the cuckoo’s nest’. If he were alive today he would wonder about the madness going on over Covid 19. The lunatics have taken over the asylum I think.
Pennsylvania – Penn’s wood. Sylvan is ‘woods’ or ‘forest’ and William Penn the man. The state is known for the ballard of ‘Allentown Jail’. The lover of the man who stole that diamond should have gone round the corner. There was bound be a store selling Allen keys which could have opened the door to the jail.
The Declaration of Independence was signed in Philadelphia. There was a Penn there who added his signature. Of course without a Penn it would have been difficult for the others to sign, and a pencil could be rubbed out.
Philadelphia is the home of the soft cheese. Which goes very well with apples, the best and largest of which can be found in New York City, home of the best big apple(s).
Rhode Island – It is mostly mainland, so not very logical to call it Rhode Island. Presumably Rhode because they had to row across to get there. Known for its academics who are well-read, hence ‘Rhode Island Read’ is a catch phrase.
I see the Gina Raimondo is currently governor. Wikipedia says she has ‘…issued an executive order to remove “Providence Plantations” from a range of official documents and state websites’.
As I understand that the full name of the state was/is ‘State of Rhode Island and Providence Plantations’, this means the documents and website will say ‘State of Rhode Island and’. ‘And what?’ I hear you cry. Quite.
Still, she is a Demoncrat (sic) and a roaming Catholic, so what do you expect.
And there are rumours she is a closet communist, so one of the Rhode Island Reds we hear a lot about. Personally, I think they are all just scared chickens.
South Carolina – Named after Charles I of England, the bottom half that is, as south is down. Charles further annoyed as Carol was, and still is, a girl’s name.
Part of the Bible Belt where if you are naughty you get belted over the head by a bible. Well, ok, someone wielding a bible then.
Some peoples’ stupidity is such that using a bible in this way is very tempting. It is however better to teach from it first. Children brought up this way may well be inclined to be a little less naughty, providing the humour of God is brought out and the foolishness of man(kind) is exposed.
As I have said elsewhere, many parts of the translations of the bible are poor, so going back to the original is vital.
And if the terminally stupid do not respond, then try hitting them on the head with the bible. It may not do them any good, but it may make you feel better.
As the good book says ‘Don’t let the sun go down on your anger’ as venting your feelings will help you get a good night’s sleep. You can then try teaching again in the morning.
South Dakota – Yet more Great Planes. These include the F 111 or Aardvark made by General Dynamix, a well-known army man.
It is said that Aardvark never killed anybody, but as it saw active service in Vietnam this cannot be true, as the Viet Cong will no doubt attest to.
The state’s main claim to fame is probably Mount Rushmore-or-less. Conceived and constructed by three masons (but funded by the American taxpayers of course for rather more than less); it is a monument to man’s ingenuity.
And how to piss off the native Indians, who held the mountain sacred. If you renege on a treaty what do you expect?
Tennessee – Perhaps best known for its trains. There’s the Chat and Nougat Chew Chew where you can relax with a friend and be served sweets by the guard.
Or why not take the last train to Clarksville? This usually has a travelling zoo, famed for their monkeys. The proprietor was one Davy Jones who used to keep them in his locker.
We mustn’t forget Gnashville, the place where you can eat all you like.
And of course Memphis where Elvis Parsley was brought up. He sang many great songs including ‘Love me tender’. This was a homage to the railways of Tennessee when the engines were wood fired and needed tenders to store the fuel and water.
Texas – They like horse riding, and as a consequence can suffer from ‘Tex Arse’ from spending too long in the saddle.
Remembered for Dallas, the place where J.R was shot. And someone else, I can’t think who it was at the moment.
We mustn’t forget the Half a mo near the Mexican border. This was where Satan Anna (boo hiss) fought David Bowie and Jimmy Croquet (hooray!). Sadly Satan Anna one, Bowie and Croquet nil.
In those days Mexies could cross the border, as Mexican. Nowadays they are Mexican’ts as they are not allowed (in theory at least).
Utah – I understand just over half of the population are morons according to Wikipedia. As there seems to be some stress by the governor and the Church of the Later (sic) Day Saints on the wearing of masks this makes sense.
But then moronanity is a worldwide problem at the moment.
The Later (sic) Day Saints came when Utah was Mexican territory. They are so called because they arrived there in the afternoon, or later in the day.
The Mormon settlements are said to have provided pie in ears for other settlements in the West. This was of course very thoughtful as when you are hungry you can just reach behind your ear for something to eat.
Vermont – According to Wikipedia ‘The most-populous city, Burlington, is the least-populous city to be the most-populous city in a state.’ Hmm….Right.
How about ‘Burlington is the most populous city. The most populous cities of the 49 other states are all more populous than Burlington’?
That didn’t hurt now, did it?
Patrick Leahy is a senator for Vermont. He has wanted to move heavy truck traffic onto the interstate highways as the traffic currently goes on the states own roads.
Well Paddy, how about reducing the weight limit on the states roads then? And lobbying to reduce the weight of trucks which are oversized and damaging the environment?
Still, you are a Demoncrat (sic) and a roaming Catholic, so I know common sense comes hard to you.
Virginia – There are the Blue Ridge Mountains of Virginia, immortalised by Laurel and Hardy’s song. They look very beautiful.
The world’s largest naval base is there at Norfolk, next door to Portsmouth. As opposed to Portsmouth in the UK which is its largest naval base, but next door to Gosport, not Norfolk, which is about 140 miles away.
Of course, in the U.S. 140 miles is nothing to those used to driving long distance, so perhaps it could be considered next door.
There is the annual Shad planking event. Wikipedia notes:
An April 20 editorial in The Roanoke Times noted the event’s lack of Democrats, but said that didn’t mean it was dead:
No, it probably meant the Demoncrats (sic) were dead. After the political scandal in 2019 are we surprised?
Washington – Not to be confused with Washington D.C. which is the electric current in Washington. As opposed to Washington A.C. which is the opposite.
This must not be confused with Washington AC/DC, a tribute band.
It is famous for Mount Saint Helens which exploded in 1980 and which research has proved over the decades that is possible for thick deposits to be laid down quickly. Anybody who had been to a Demoncrat (sick) convention will have known this for a long time of course.
Seattle is a place where you cannot sleep if Tom hanks and Meg Ryan are to be believed.
According to Wikipedia ‘Washington state was the first state in the United States where assisted suicide, same-sex marriage, and recreational cannabis use were all legal at the same time.’ How nice. You can get stoned, buggered and put to death without a qualm.
It hasn’t had a Republican governor for some time. That figures.
And it has a home of Bill and Melinda Gates. Bill co-founded Microsoft which we love so much, and both of them pushing for vaccination against Covid which of course we all want – not.
Hopefully Mount St. Helens and the other volcanic mountains around the area might consider exploding when they are both at home. Thick deposits come in handy sometimes.
West Virginia – The state’s capital was once Wheeling. Then it went to Dealing. Then came back again until the capitol burnt down. Hence we have ‘wheeling and dealing’ in English.
The ‘Mountain State’, its motto is Montani Semper Liberi or ‘Mountain ears are always free’. Well, you may have heard of ‘Walls have ears’; in West Virginia the mountains have them.
And indeed there is the Green Bank radio telescope listening for messages from space which proves my point.
Wisconsin – Pronounced ‘why’s con sin?’ Well, obviously conning someone is a sin. Conning is just another form of lying which the Most High objects to strongly.
There was a Bennett law (after a Mr Bennett) near the end of the 1800’s which ‘…required the use of English to teach major subjects in all public and private elementary and high schools.’
The German Americans violently objected exclaiming ‘Gordon Bennett!’. In fact Mr Bennett was Michael John, not Gordon, but that Germans for you, always getting the wrong end of the schtick.
They say that Mr Bennett’s attitude was as a result of pride and prejudice, as his daughter Elizabeth might have confirmed.
Wyoming – Why indeed. Nobody knows. Not much help I’m afraid.
Most of Yellowstone national Park lies within the state. It is perhaps best known for the old geezer who faithfully erupts at regular intervals about his war exploits.
Looks like it is well worth a visit. Wyoming?
Why not?
The Tree of Life 