Breaking News: Second Lockdown

4th November 2020

It has just been announced by Boris Johnson that we will go into a second lockdown. That’s nice, bit more peace and quiet, roads not so busy, not so much pollution. Lots of people have been panic buying in anticipation of this, buying up all the toilet paper they can.

This is because of the Second Wave. The First Wave was caused by a blockage in the sewage system, a build of gas, it was alleged, in the Houses of Parliament. This led to an explosion at the beginning of April which shut down the whole country for some time until repairs could be effected.

Sadly, those repairs did not hold up due to faulty workmanship by the Civil Service. Early news is that 516 MP’s were casualties but are believed not to be that seriously hurt, unfortunately.

They are being treated by the N.H.S. although as Covid 19 is taking priority, it is not clear how long they will have to wait. A manager from one the Nightmare ingale Hospitals which escaped demolition after the First Wave is reported as saying they would lucky if they were all treated by Christmas.

When asked which Christmas, he declined to comment.

38 MP’s apparently escaped unharmed but were badly shaken, but not stirred by the event (R.I.P Sean Connery).

The shock wave has been felt across the nation, although initial tremors had been felt as early as last week. People on the street were said to be raising their concerns.

One, a Fred Scuttle, who once was said to be responsible for the Chunnel Tunnel Project (not to be confused with the Alan Parson’s Project), was interviewed.

‘I am standing with a concerned member of the public in Whitechapel, in the East End of London. Mr Scuttle, can you tell us what happened?’

‘Well, oi felt the reverberations all the way to Dover, you see sir. Mind you that was the wife’s fault, as she likes to sit in the back of the car. She is a little on the heavy side, and the springs are not as young as they once was.

Anyway, when we got home, oi found a Chinaman in the Mile End. He was a bit fragile after the explosion. A smashing chap ‘e was sir, smashing.’

‘A super man then?’

‘Well, I don’t know as ‘e was Superman, but I knows ‘e demolished buildings for a livin’.’

‘Ah, I see, that sort of smashing. And what did he say about the wave of sewage?’

‘Well sir, ‘e said ‘e thought it was all a load of clap.’

‘I see, you mean he thought the public were putting their hands together in praise of the government, like they did for the NHS earlier this year?’

‘No sir, oi think ‘e just didn’t like the smell much.’

Regarding the panic buying, we managed to track down a lady outside a well-known supermarket who was prepared to speak to us anonymously.

When asked about why she had 7 packs of 36 toilet rolls in her trolley, she said ‘It’s because of all that crap -’scuse my French – coming out of Parliament. You can’t be too careful nowadays. Mind you, my husband says it been like that for years.’

What the eventual outcome will be, this editorial finds it difficult to hazard a guess.

However, there are rumours that a great orator has returned to Parliament and was among those who escaped unhurt. It sounds remarkably like Winston Churchill, although we find that hard to believe.

Nevertheless, a recording was rescued from the debris which is understood be his. We have been given exclusive rights to broadcast this on our site.

We are hoping this will be playable on your own device, but a transcript is attached at the bottom for those who may struggle to get it to work or are hard of hearing.

The first few seconds are quiet. This would normally be remarkable in the House, but given the great man’s reputation, we are not surprised.

Transcript The Battle of Lockdown

P.S. A big thank you to Benny Hill and Henry McGee, without whom the first interview would not have been possible.

And a smaller thank you to the woman outside the supermarket without whom we would still have been able to conduct the interview, as we have stand-ins who can make things up. Like much of the left-wing media nowadays.

And here’s a load of clap.

Clap for Our Carers and other clap-trap

P.P.S. Here’s a link to a song if you need an alternative to strengthen your resolve. Don’t lock me down!