11th August, 2020
Guidance. Guy Dance. Who is he? Don’t know, but somebody is leading us a merry dance over Coronavirus (Covid 19). Is it the government? Possibly. But who writes the guidance? Civil servants? Uncivil servants? Uncivil serpents?
Perhaps the later, with the guidance snaking all over the place. Still as I have said before it’s GUIDANCE. Which means you DON’T have to follow it if you think it is incorrect or foolish.
However, as I know many people out there find thinking difficult, I have decided it is about time I provided my GUIDANCE to these beautiful
Morons, Idiots, and Imbeciles people.
By the way Merriam Webster’s website (very helpful generally) says that the three categories struck out above used to be part of a ‘psychological classification system’. And listed as follows:
‘Idiots.—Those so defective that the mental development never exceeds that or a normal child of about two years.
Imbeciles.—Those whose development is higher than that of an idiot, but whose intelligence does not exceed that of a normal child of about seven years.
Morons.—Those whose mental development is above that of an imbecile, but does not exceed that of a normal child of about twelve years.
— Edmund Burke Huey, Backward and Feeble-Minded Children, 1912’
Personally, I think this is an insult to children as they are usually more perceptive than adults (at least the adults who have become adulterous in all its forms).
Anyway, I was going to explain in simple language, that any child could follow, (but most adults can’t, it seems), the government’s GUIDANCE. Its ADVICE in italics, my ADVICE in green (for GO).
Coronavirus outbreak FAQs: what you can and can’t do
From 24th July I think, I omitted to record date.
Stay alert – Stay awake (you are normally this in the morning after sleeping – unless you are on night shifts, in which case it’s the other way round)
We can all help control the virus (down boy, down boy!)if we all stay alert. This means you must: if you think there is any point in it, but only if you do
1. stay at home as much as possible – sensible, unless you need to go to work, go on holiday, visit your parents, go to the pub (they are open, aren’t they?) help a neighbour, feed the horses, see if people are still being stupid etc etc.
2. work from home if you can – Sensible, unless you can’t. Can I serve that customer if I am at home? Mmmm. Nope, my arms aren’t that long. Ok, I’m going to work.
3. limit contact with other people – Sensible I suppose (nasty, smelly things, people). Unless of course you have to do the things above. Particularly if you work in a care home or hospital where it’s your job to wash nasty, smelly people. Or perhaps they’re not that nasty and smelly? Why not tell me your story?
4. keep your distance from people not in your household (2 metres apart where possible) – Sensible, especially in light of item above. But difficult if you want to be friendly. You know, shake hands like we used to do, even when the ‘flu went round, as it does every year. Or hand something to someone. Or kiss like the French. No, not French kissing! That’s different. I meant on both cheeks. I wonder how the French are getting on with their idiot government?
5. wash your hands regularly – Great. How often? Once a day, every day? 10 times a day? Before eating? After going to the loo? I don’t know, use your common sense. Mmm? What’s that? What’s common sense?! Arrrrrrrrgh *#/@!
6. Do not leave home if you or anyone in your household has symptoms. – Very sensible. Especially if they are symptoms of stupidity. Might cause an accident. Then paramedics (excellent people by the way, I had them come out to me a couple of times) might have to handle the stupid and catch it too. Much more contagious than Covid 19. Most of the population seem to have it.
Well, that’s the main ADVICE, how about some detail? Let’s try……
Staying safe outside your home
Updated 24 June 2020
My general advice is to wear a space suit. Or perhaps a mechwarrior. Mad Cat souped up with ER large lasers, or ER PPC’s. I liked the gauss rifles, Clan of course. But a bit OTT for the stupid. How about the C-LB 10-X Autocannon? Shot gun blasting. Get rid of the insane mask wearers in a flash. In your dreams, mate!
1. Keep your distance from people outside your household or support bubble
Because of the smell, see earlier. Mainly because people tend to fart in their bubbles (they can’t help it) and if you get too close, the bubble will burst. Other peoples farts never smell as good as your own.
Whilst recognising this will not always be possible, oh good, glad you can recognize something it is important to be aware that the risk of infection increases the closer you are to another person with the virus, (bollux, unless they mean stupidity in which case it is true) and the amount of time you spend in close contact with them. Therefore, you are unlikely to be infected if you walk past another person in the street. I’m scratching my head over that one. Oops, ‘nother hairs come out.
The government recommends that you keep two metres away from people as a precaution or one metre when you can mitigate the risk by taking other precautions in this list. In case you are infected with stupidity, but we’ve been there already.
2. Avoid being face-to-face with people if they are outside your household or support bubble
I suggest you walk backwards, then you won’t have to see them until they’ve gone past. No hang on, then you would need to turn round again as they were passing. But if you walk backwards you might fall down a hole or into a lamppost. Still, then you wouldn’t see people face-to-face; if you hit the lamppost you would see stars instead.
You are at higher risk of being directly exposed to respiratory droplets (released by talking or coughing) don’t then when you are within two metres of someone and have face-to-face contact with them. You can lower the risk of infection if you stay side-to-side rather than facing someone. (so dozey doe) The key thing is not to be too close to people outside your household or support bubble. If you must, keep it as brief as possible. Which is a great excuse for saying ‘I must go’ if someone is boring the briefs, sorry, pants, off you.
3. Keep your hands and face as clean as possible
Don’t you anyway?? Unless you are a mud wrestler, but perhaps that is banned. Or not. Anyone checked?
Wash your hands often yes, but how often? Using soap and water? Peanut butter maybe. I’m not that bright you know. What about drying your hands? I need guidance you know, I’m barely potty trained (although I am going potty). On trousers if you haven’t got a towel. Look, if you don’t wear trousers, try someone else’s. Use your brain!
Where available, use sanitiser outside your home, to make you sane perhaps? Won’t work, I see the nutters doing it, no improvement I’m afraid – especially as you enter a building and after you have had contact with surfaces. Avoid touching your face. Should have added ‘or picking your nose’. No attention to detail whoever writes this.
4. Keep indoor places well ventilated
Because of the issues with support bubbles bursting and the smells escaping as referred to earlier.
Evidence suggests that the virus is less likely to be passed on outdoors and in well-ventilated buildings. Bollux
In good weather, try to leave windows and doors open in areas where people from different households come into contact, or move activity outdoors if you can. No, leave them closed if you go out in case thieves break in. But perhaps thieves are too scared to go out now.
If it’s very hot, as at the moment, then leaving them open is a good idea. But keep curtains closed on side of house where sun is to reduce solar gain. That’s my advice.
Use external extractor fans so, ones outside the house?? To keep the outside well ventilated??? to keep spaces well ventilated and make sure that ventilation systems are set to maximise the air flow rate. And blow the smells away, I keep telling you about that.
Heating and cooling systems can be used at their normal temperature settings.
Phew, I was getting worried there!
5. Avoid crowded spaces
Sensible, especially if you are agoraphobic, save any agro.
You can lower the risks of transmission by reducing the number of people you come into close contact with. For example, avoid peak travel times on public transport, unless you like sardines where possible and avoid densely crowded areas. Small groups in small spaces pose a risk as well as large, close crowds. Louts come in all sizes, and stupidity is not fussy who it infects.
Businesses should also take reasonable steps to avoid people being gathered together. For example, by reducing density in meeting rooms don’t have meetings then, people are dense enough already and social spaces, allowing the use of more entrances and exits, and staggering entrance and exit points and work shifts, where possible. Drink a bottle of whisky and everything will stagger, so that should sort that out. But you won’t get any work done, so maybe not a good idea.
6. Work from home if you can
If you can do your job from home you should continue to do so, but you and your employer should discuss and agree working arrangements to best suit the needs of the business.
First truly sensible piece of guidance. Except that the employee’s needs must also be considered under health and safety law. Tut, tut, tut. Slipped up there, didn’t we? Gotcha!
7. If you have to travel (for example, to work or school), think about how and when you travel
Presumably you don’t already? Think that is.
To reduce demand on the public transport network, you should walk or cycle wherever possible. Very sensible, stop you polluting the atmosphere – but again watch out for bursting bubbles. If you are cycling, however, your own ‘bubbles’ can give you turbo power and extra speed If you have to use public transport, you should try to avoid peak times. Yawn, yawn.
Employers should consider staggering working hours, expanding bicycle storage facilities, providing changing facilities and providing car parking.
If they don’t already??
8. Face coverings
You must wear a face covering at all times why? on public transport or when attending a hospital as a visitor or outpatient. Hospitals will be able to provide a face covering in emergencies. Which will help if you are suffering because of wearing a face mask – hospitals might even help you if you have another emergency – if you are lucky. If you can, you should also wear a face covering in other enclosed public spaces where social distancing isn’t possible and where you will come into contact with people you do not normally meet. Because they are smelly etc etc etc. This is most relevant for short periods indoors in crowded areas. But not for short people as they are more likely to be suffocated in crowded areas – come on, have a heart! You should be prepared to remove your face covering if asked to do so by police officers and staff for the purposes of identification. Be prepared, that’s the Boy Scouts motto!
Evidence suggests that wearing a face covering does not protect you. So, that’s helpful – not! However, if you are infected but have not yet developed symptoms, it may provide some protection for others you come into close contact with. Bollux
Face coverings do not replace social distancing. Er, hello, anybody there? If you have symptoms of COVID-19 (cough, and/or high temperature, and/or loss of, or change in, your normal sense of smell or taste – anosmia I think they mean amnesia, it is a primary cause of stupidity), you and your household must isolate at home: wearing a face covering does not change this. Really, I wouldn’t have known, well you learn something every day. You should arrange to have a test to see if you have COVID-19. Bollux. Test for vitamin D deficiency. Now I am serious. See D is for…..D. Vitamin D.
A face covering is not the same as the surgical masks or respirators used by healthcare and other workers as part of personal protective equipment. Another surprise These should continue to be reserved for those who need them to protect against risks in their workplace, such as health and care workers, and those in industrial settings, like those exposed to dust hazards. Quite.
Face coverings should not be used by children under the age of 3 or those who may find it difficult to manage them correctly. Most people then, although they mean brains rather than face coverings surely. Look, lots of people are following government advice, but not using their brains. I have seen numbers of people wearing masks on this blisteringly hot day (12th August update). Bonkers.
It is important to use face coverings properly and wash your hands before putting them on and taking them off. That will help I don’t think.
You can make face-coverings at home. The key thing is it should cover the mouth and nose. Yes, but not while making the mask, idiot. Honestly!
9. Avoid shouting or singing close to people outside your household or support bubble
Look, I’ve explained before about bubbles, okay??
There is some evidence to suggest that shouting and singing increase the amount of respiratory droplets and aerosols people release graffiti artists are at greater risk then and therefore the risk of transmission between people if they are doing either in close proximity to those outside their household. This government guidance is really good for a laugh, you know. They, or it, should do stand-up comedy. Mmm? Oh yes, sorry the representatives do, or did, at the daily briefings. Silly me. You should avoid doing either with people outside your household or social bubble. Sorry, still laughing fit to burst.
10. Reduce the number of people you spend time with in a work setting
Yet again because of the smells, blah, blah, blah, blah.
You can lower the risks of transmission in the workplace by reducing the number of people you come into contact with regularly, where you can. Shooting the imbeciles will help. But you might get arrested if the police catch you, after they’ve filled in a form on health & safety of course. Your employer can support with this (where practical) by: Providing a gun and ammunition; no sorry scrub that.
1. changing shift patterns and rotas to match you with the same team each time Oh my God, no more please!
2. splitting people into smaller, contained teams So, cut people in half then if you have odd numbers (no, just one of them, not all of them! – can’t have just one on their own you know.
11. Wash your clothes regularly
Ah yes, the great unwashed. Can’t unfortunately deal with the air borne burst bubble effects though.
There is some evidence that the virus can stay on fabrics for a few days, bollux although usually it is shorter. Shorter! Shorter! what do you mean shorter? Therefore, if you are working with people outside your household, wash your clothes regularly. Yeah, right, your own household will love you for not washing your clothes regularly if you don’t work with people outside your household. Changing clothes in workplaces should only be considered where there is a high risk of infection so if you get filthy ‘diggin’ an ‘ole in the grand’, it’s tough. Take the dirt home with you where your other half will be delighted to hose you down or there are highly vulnerable people, such as in a care home. If you need to change your clothes, avoid crowding into a changing room. Or changing into a crowded room. Why not, makes as much sense?
12. When at work or in business or public premises, follow the advice on site
Employers, business owners and organisations have a duty to assess and manage risks to your safety in the workplace and on their premises. Yes, quite right, now hands up who’s forgotten this? The government has issued guidance for employers and businesses on coronavirus. This includes guidance on how to make adjustments to help you maintain social distancing.
It also includes guidance on hygiene, as evidence suggests that the virus can exist for up to 72 hours on surfaces. Bollux. Therefore, frequent cleaning is particularly important for communal surfaces like:
- door handles Bollux.
- lift buttons Bollux.
- communal areas like bathrooms Bollux.
- Kitchens Bollux.
- tea points Bollux.
You can see the guidance for employers and businesses on coronavirus on gov.uk and can ask your employer if you have questions.
Like ‘Do you understand what the heck they are on about, cos I don’t?’ Or ‘Do you think they have gone stark, staring, raving mad? Or is it just me?’.
At the bottom of each page on the website it says ‘Is this page useful?’ and a choice Yes or No. I think that’s a ‘No’, don’t you?
Would you like some useful advice from Baldmichael? If you’ve come this far you might as well carry on and see what old Baldy has to say.
If I want GUIDANCE I go to the Most High, the heavenly Father and ask. He knows everything, so makes sense to do this. Or you can rely on your common sense (which He gave in the first place).
But if you have lost some or all of the common sense you once had, go back to Him.
Because if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach.
If you need more humour I have lots of fun posts and pages on this site. I think there are anyway.
If you wish to know about Covid 19 try my Covid 19 Summary
If more fun with guidance is what you require and you are from Wales you could try Coronavirus Firebreak: The Welsh Version but be warned it is very long, I got rather carried away.
Go to World menu for access to pages in general. Specials may be your best bet to start, but the choice is yours.
Should you need more guidance after this page then why not try Rule of Six
Or this Government Slogans
or even this 3 Tier System