M is for…..Masks

2nd July 2020

…which means hides or covers. Or they can protect. Keep the dust off your face. We used to wear them for that purpose when cleaning a very dirty room. Or when in a surgical unit to prevent infection of open wounds. I mean, just think what could occur without such protection.

‘Nurse, could you just pass the..ah, ah, ah..tissue. No, no, not a tissue, I just sneezed. Now let’s see. I see something yellow-green and slimy. The gall bladder, excellent. Oh, perhaps not. That’s where it went. Yuck. Kidney dish!’

So that makes sense. And if you are sanding down a table or woodwork indoors then you hardly want to breath in the particles from abrasion. On the subject of sand, if you are in the desert, then a face covering is handy to stop the sand getting up your nose. Especially in a sand storm.

It would therefore make sense to wear a burka in the desert, so you could protect your face in a hurry if the veil part was down. In fact you’d be a berk not to.

Otherwise it doesn’t make much sense, unless you want to hide something. Perhaps on stage, to conceal your character. Or at a masked ball, where you can pretend to be someone else (even though probably most people know who you are if you’ve been invited).

Or perhaps you want to go on a killing spree. Such as recorded in Wikipedia

Cameroon

In July 2015, Cameroon banned the face veil including the burqa after two women dressed in the religious garments committed a suicide attack killing.

Chad​

In June 2015, the full face veil was banned in Chad after veiled Boko Haram bombers disguised as women committed multiple suicide attacks.

So probably a good idea to ban burkas, as France has.

If you wear a mask, you are going to breath in some of the carbon dioxide you are trying to breath out.

So come Covid 19, it is clearly extremely sensible to try and persuade people to wear masks. Just in case they get infected by something. Personally, I think a pair of headphones would be better with some good music to listen to. Drown out the idiots saying ‘You must wear a mask, it’s the rules’. ‘La, la, leh la, dum de dum de dum’. ‘What’s he mouthing at me? That’s nice he’s waving at me, I’ll wave back. Not allowed to shake hands, but waving’s the next best thing’.

You are more likely to be infected by stupidity at the moment. Prevention is better than a cure (the cure might involve mass murder of the brainless at present. Still, give the SWAT teams something to do). I recommend humour and plenty of it. We Brits excel in that field.

Wish Victoria Wood was still with us. Perhaps Julie Walters and Celia Imrie could come up with something. I don’t know, let’s say Acorn Antiques.

Enter Babs

Babs

‘Have you seen, everyone in the street is wearing masks. Look, I have one a kind lady gave which she said she made herself’ (displays garish patchwork mask with knicker elastic roughly sewn on).

Berta

‘Yes, I noticed it myself. I think it must the government trying to make people look up from their mobile phones as they walk along’. Mrs Overall enters. ‘What do you think, Mrs Overall?’

Mrs Overall

Carrying usual tray etc. ‘Well, I think it’s Gods way of saying they’re all a bunch of morons. Macaroon Miss Babs?’

Talking of government (must you?), yes, I must. Don’t distract me. Has anyone double checked the advice on masks? Anyone at all? I do wonder. Why does it always have to be me?

Look, go to Gov.uk website. You want ‘Staying safe outside your home’. And try reading the page. Top to bottom. Notice anything? Big blue banner. Near the top. Important bit to draw your attention. Now if you have read B is for…..Blood you might have a weensy teensy inkling.

Guidance. GUIDANCE. What does guidance mean, hm? ‘Ug, me no understand’. Ok, here’s Wikipedia’s definition.

advice or information aimed at resolving a problem or difficulty, especially as given by someone in authority.

Does it mean you have to? NO. So why are you doing it? If some oik (oik means official or officer in Manx) wants to make you, then beat him (or her) verbally over the head with the GUIDANCE.

Look, the all causes deaths is now below the 5-year average. And the statistics are 2 weeks behind today on ONS (the analysts are good, very good but not God) There’s a surprise. Someone commented on Youtube at the start of this charade that the yearly deaths for 2020 would probably turn out to be about average in the end. He’s going to be right, I know.

Unless of course we continue to shut up care homes, and step into the road to avoid people and get run over. If Covid 19 has all the symptoms of the ‘flu then that is what it is. And you don’t close down the economy, keep 2 metres or 6ft apart, or wear masks, do you? Unless you’re stupid. And as I have indicated there’s a lot of it about.

Still, Brexit is on course.And it seems more and more people have understood what the EU is up to over the last three and a half years and counting.

There is another mask, EU related. Maastricht. Sounds like mask trick. And they make Limburger-like cheese in the city. Limburger cheese is very smelly when fully ripe and is otherwise made in the region. Sounds about right to describe the Maastricht Treaty.

Maas seems to mean ‘mesh’ and tricht perhaps ‘to guide’ or ‘aim’. Sounds like a trap to me. Just as well we are getting out of it.

And get out of those masks, please.

P.S for those in need of assistance I attach the following link. Use it as you will, or make up one yourself. There are two options, depending on whether you think the person you hand it to finds reading difficult.

Certificate of madness – Old English

P.P.E. What are you looking here for? We don’t supply masks as they are useless against Covid, let alone those silly visors. Get your own from somewhere else if you think they are any use.

Or make your own out of old loo rolls, plastic detergent bottles (you know the ones I mean if you watched Blue Peter when it was good) and some sort of glue (you know the sort etc etc). And any other rubbish you can lay your hands on.

If on the other hand you wish to know more about Covid 19 see link Covid 19 Summary